To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

I don't know why you have got such a hard time on this thread. Your DH is crap at organisation people don't change so you have come up with a really simple solution that she just goes thorugh you.

The only thing that might make it easier is if you set up a WhatsApp with the three of you and use it to send cute pictures of the kids and make plans.

The other thing I would do is keep making DH check the calendar several times a week so that he gets used to using it.

But that's the thing, surely it would be a mixture of First come first served and materiality - eg you might have soft play penciled in or sports clubs on a Saturday but a wedding invite may mean you cancel plans.

In this case the op had booked and paid for activities already. And if dh say yes and then fails to communicate that how can the op know he has made a.plan -.you can only have this both parents making plans if there is a method to communicate that and avoid double booking. The dh does nothing beyond saying yes, does not check if there is a plan already and does not communicate when he agrees to an event.

Multiple people? 3 people is barely multiple. My MIL asks my DH, he says yes or no..why the hell do people need whatsapp groups for this?? This is all about control as far as I can work out. I don’t need to be asked if its ok because I would never make plans for/with my DC without my DH knowing what those plans are & vice versa, we are equal parents not boss & employee

New WhatsApp group - you, dh, MIL.
Title of group - Plans for Maree and Mr Marees DC
First post - in an attempt to avoid sad clashes like the one this week between my bought and paid for plans and MILs cinema plans let's use this group to make SUGGESTIONS about plans for children. Thanks.

Speaking very generally here, but normally it’s the women who usually make the arrangements. I would say to MIL in future please come direct to me re arrangements for the kids.

My brother is like this. He didn’t tell his girlfriend about a really important event until it was too late for her to book it off work. She had to leave after ten minutes. I was furious and now go directly to her to arrange things. Trying to get my useless brother to become less useless, given he has been the same way for 33 years, would be a waste of my time. It’s much easier to just speak to his girlfriend, things actually get organised, we make and execute plans, everyone has a nice time. Yes your DH is useless but what are you meant to do about that? He won’t change. Just have a second WhatsApp for you, your DH and her so she can ask both of you at once.

2 is multiple- 3 is also multiple, my point is it is a handy tool

in this case it is useful especially when you have 2 out of the 3 people being incapable of communicating effectively- a simple solution that fixes a daft situation. It treats all 3 people in the chat as equal- it does not make it a boss and employer situation at all.

I use it across several groups of various sizes - sometimes just 3 people eg when 3 friends going away for a weekend so save communicating the same message twice. It is just that -a communication tool and it doesn't mean people are "living their lives like this" - I don't get the "wtf".

"I'm sorry I snapped earlier MIL. I find it so frustrating that DH continues to not let me know about things he's agreed with you. You must have been really disappointed about the cinema, but my arrangements for the kids this weekend were already booked and paid for.
This kind of disappointment is why I suggested that you talk to me about your plans for the kids, rather than DH. He has a blind spot about passing on information/checking diaries and I hate to see you and the kids disappointed. I suggest we have this WhatsApp group so you can communicate with both of us at once"

OP I have to say it sounds like you have a pretty strong marriage with a decent guy. And I agree with you that many of us make assumptions because we read a lot of stuff on here or experience ourselves blokes that do use weaponised incompetence and just don't care that the women in their lives take up all the domestic burden.

Given that your DH is pretty strong in other areas and actually does more housework than you, then maybe it is okay to take up the slack in this area. Also because your MiL is a very hands on granny too, perhaps cut her some slack too (I had uninvolved GPs on both sides, so I am a bit in awe of any that do help out without prompting). With these in mind, couldn't you set up a separate WhatsApp group just for your immediate family and MiL and just prompt every now and then whether or not she was planning anything in the next few weeks with your children. It wouldn't be a massive amount of work for you and may resolve issues going forward.

If you were so certain you were in the right @Maree1986 what was was the point of posting?

I think half the people on this site are deranged. Everything has to be seen through the lens of 'the man is in useless/shit' and nothing is going to get in the way of that narrative.
If MIL insists on going through her son, fine. Tell her that she is not to tell the children of any plans until she gets confirmation from her son that he has checked the calendar and it is OK. It is not fair on the children otherwise and she gets to to the job of chasing her son to make sure the plan is OK.

Your DH has been allowed to be hopeless for so long. A man that can't manage an electronic calendar would earn nothing but derision from me Basically he's not trying.

Controversial I know, but how about you communicating with your MIL if your idiot husband won't.

Because unless MIL has them so regularly she is the primary caregiver during holidays & needs to liaise daily then I seriously don’t understand how a quick call isn’t possible & why a group has to be set up? It’s a bit odd.
MIL on phone ‘can kids come over on Friday’
DH ‘sure’ or ‘sorry no they have plans’

why does that require anymore than a phone call?

As you're so good at communicating and organising, OP, why don't you contact MIL once a week to check if she's made any plans with DH for the children, which DH has omitted to tell you?

Why should you have to do this?

Because DH is a poor communicator and organiser. So you have to cover for him. Just like you do in work communication and organising

Your MIL is a fucking angel. Zero criticism for her from me. I'm definitely Team MIL.

Because she phones the dh and he makes no attempt to actually know if there are any plans already in and says yes and does not communicate that to anyone else. And the MIL cannot communicate with anyone other than dh so this is a simple tool that would iron out these idiot people's shit communication problems. Or they can just carry on double booking and end up with everyone being frustrated and disappointed - or learn to communicate but it seems it is a losing battle with this mil and dh - so a simple solution can fix that with no effort. I don't get the incredulity about that.

I’ve had a similar conversation with MIL and generally in family things the women do the organising- and for school- the WhatsApp group is 99% engaged with by mums. YANBU.
its totally understandable that she would want to talk to her DS though.

I wish my MIL would contact my husband about plans! As the female I am default for all things involving the kids and arranging our calendar.

Because unless MIL has them so regularly she is the primary caregiver during holidays & needs to liaise daily then I seriously don’t understand how a quick call isn’t possible & why a group has to be set up? It’s a bit odd.
MIL on phone ‘can kids come over on Friday’
DH ‘sure’ or ‘sorry no they have plans’

why does that require anymore than a phone call?

Because that's the entire issue of the thread. DH agrees to things with no idea what is already planned, and then doesn't tell OP. Despite the fact that OP says they've agreed that she's in charge of the family calendar/schedule, he ignores that and agrees things with MIL without checking and without telling anyone.

I think your DH is at fault here. It is unacceptable. If I want to arrange something with my brothers children, I do the arrangement via them - I wouldn't contact the inlaws etc

I think you are right, that MIL should be more pragmatic and deal with you. Is it worth trying to find out why she didn't on this occasion? 'Hi MIL, so sorry to have to disappoint you re cinema, I know kids would have to loved to have gone. As you know DH is terrible with plans so it would be great if you could let me know what you're thinking. Is this OK with you? Are you happy to do that?' I'd also get a WhatsApp group for just you DH and MIL and suggest using that. Finally re DH I think he needs to make more effort, it's one thing to be useless about organising plans (mine is too) but to literally never pass plans/suggestions on despite prompting is lazy and selfish. I agree with PPs I would stop prompting him for a few days (if you can manage this without destroying your business!) so he misses stuff, and then hopefully he will realise he needs to make more effort.

I’m on your side here OP. I can see that you’re trying to avoid your MIL getting upset if she can’t see the GC which is very nice of you and clearly shows you respect her and her feelings about this. Don’t need me to tell you that your DH’s inability to check with you before agreeing to any plans with MIL is the problem here.

You sound like someone that wants to find a solution to this and what you suggest, that MIL contact you direct, is not unreasonable given the situation. It would be an easier, much less stressful life for all of you if she did. Not sure why so many posters think this is outrageous - it’s a compromise to a long standing problem.

Not everyone is great at everything. Good teamwork is playing on the strengths of each person to get the best result for all of you. Why some posters have decided to make this a ‘battle of the sexes’ is beyond me. It’s about people with problems that are trying to find a solution to fix them. And this trope that’s being pedalled on here about you being ‘controlling’…spare me! Being proactive and taking control are positive attributes and skills we should all be proud to have.

I hope your MIL shows the same respect you have tried to show her and contact you direct from now on.

You tell DH, As you H disinterested, lazy, or incompetent on this subject.
IF YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU HER PLANS, TELL HER TO PASS IT BY ME AS YOU WILL FORGET.
She is now in a huff, because they are double booked.

I would sag to MIL, look, mentioning your plans to your son is pointless, so if you want to organise stuff, please pass it by me, NOT HIM, because he is a stupid ass

If you know he’s rubbish at passing on plans and messages I think you need to talk to your husband more, ask him whether he’s spoken with his mother each day and if he has ask him if he’s arranged anything with her. Or alternatively, take a step back and give your husband the opportunity to sort out the situation he creates by not passing on the messages. Let him tell his mother why something isn’t happening or let him be the one to tell the children that they aren’t going wherever.

1. it's clearly not working for OP
2. she posted about it, asking for opinions, hence making it everyone else’s business

Sorry if I've missed it but why can't you have another WA group?