To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

@FluffyFlannery - they can have a separate electronic calendar with just family stuff on involving the kids - you can have more than one!

Lmao oh they're gonna LOVE this........can wait to see how they respond to you doing his appointments for him......shame on you , and telling him too so his life is easier? shock horror

Weaponised incompetence? Lmao oh my God I've heard it all now......it's their business she makes the appointment he does the work or does he have to do it all?

What is your DH's reaction to his children and his mother's disappointment?

I'll summarise the best points for you:

I shouldn't be making the MIL "suffer" because of her son's incompetence. She is in no way responsible. She shouldn't have to do one single thing that's requested of her by tbe mother of her grandchildren when making plans involving said grandchildren because the uncaring father of those children should be taking all the responsibility. A woman is not responsible for a man's failures.

Also:
OP (also a woman) is totally at fault for this man's favours and has no right to suggest things be done in a different way that would work for her. OP (a woman) is responsible for this man's failures because she ENABLES him and should TRAIN him and NEVER put his failures onto a woman!!

Emma Watson said "feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women" and I will not use it as a stick here by suggesting anyone is "doing feminism wrong". But I do wonder at the hypocrisy. It makes it all seem rather insincere.

This thread is nuts 😂

BUT the fact is right now, nothing is changing so surely its in the KID'S best interests for MIL to communicate with me, no matter who is right or wrong?

I agree OP. It is what it is for whatever blame everyone wants to throw your way. In the meantime, MIL can either do what is best for the children, particularly knowing her son risks fucking up any plans she makes, or continue risking the children missing out. 🤷‍♀️

So, she communicates with you for now, ensuring plans with the children go smoothly, whilst you sort out your husband as everyone is insisting you do. Win/Win for all concerned.

😂 love it for God sake don't tell them you might even make him a cuppa tea when he gets home or they're gonna loose their shit 🤪

My DH often makes me one when he gets home. He's been sitting all day, I've been on my feet all day. He also mows the lawns. I never do that one. Does that cancel out my doing of the family social calendar?😀

We have a wider family group and our own smaller unit....you can have more than one group.

So you act like mummy, why?

Because... its my job???
Not my role within the family but my actual, paid job?
I run our business?

Perhaps she can't understand why he doesn't appear to have any say or interest in what's going on.....do you actually talk about plans before you make them?

But he doesn't make the plans, does he? Op has assumed diary management which is totally normal within a partnership. Everyone on this thread is so hellbent on creating "equality" which doesn't suit this couple. The wife makes the plans in this marriage - end of.

But who decided you are the organiser? some people just take over and the other party either fights it or steps back for a peaceful life? It's really strange to not talk before making weekend plans before you make them essentially you both seem to have done the same thing.

And I absolutely 100% do not believe that they do not all have their own roles in their families that they have naturally evolved into and that suit them.

If the op was a man people would be screaming controlling behaviour and what right does he have insisting his mil makes plans through him.

And complicate life even more? Why? And does that mean the MIL sees any free time and can then just fill it in with what she wants?

Life is more complicated than ever. Just simplify! The Op here is wife and mother, what she wants she has every right to. By making her husband's life easier, she is also making her own easier too as we all have strengths and weaknesses and a good marriage is one where we play to those strengths and thereby minimise any weaknesses in each other. It's called Ying and Yang.

I certainly would never entertain creating a calendar for anyone else to fill in my child's free time or use is to judge my family's schedule or me. And let's be frank, there's ample evidence on this thread that women are incredibly judgemental. Keep others out of your marriage and don't give anyone ammunition to judge what you do as a family.

I trust this answers your question

Weekend plans with children are not work.

There are times in some relationships when one side says we agreed and the other says no you told me.

You're creating issues where there are none. All marriages evolve and play to each other's strengths. It's completely and utterly normal.

You weren't asking about weekend plans with thr children. You were asking about my work.

Nothing will obviously satisfy your lust to find fault where there is none.

@Maree1986 - because she is a Mum? Fancy that!

She said I "act like mummy" because I organise the calender for our business 😂
Apparently if you are any sort of manager, secretary or receptionist, you are simply acting "mummy" to a man, not doing your job!