To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

As you're running the business, could you at his next performance review/appraisal make business calendar management one of his key areas for improvement in the next year? This would hopefully have a knock-on effect of improving his home calendar management

I wouldn't want mil involved in the family calendar, it's over- stepping. Just let them crack on making their arrangements but shut the arrangements down every time you're not aware and it doesn't suit. Just say sorry you had no warning of these plans and the kids are doing something else ( even if the something else you have chosen for them to do is nothing - which is a valid option). Mil will soon start asking you as she will realise her son is useless. I would have a serious word with DH and tell him if he can't communicate plans he has made to you then they're likely not happening. He needs to sort himself out. That's not your job.

Sorry if already suggested, but would a shared calendar help? There are a few apps around that do it.

God, what an annoying situation @Maree1986 and an almost more annoying response.

You’re not being unreasonable but I’m guessing MIL has reasons for not doing what you ask. Maybe she’s also a feminist and can’t bring herself to ask her DIL to do what her son should. Maybe she’s worried you’ll say no and he always says yes.

I can think of two things to try and one won’t work and the other will but is annoying.

1. tell DH that his fuckup has upset his mother and the kids and made you look like the bad guy and is this the final straw that will get him to use the calendar or not?
2. Contact MIL on a biweekly basis to ask if she’s arranged anything with DH because he hasn’t told you about anything as per usual.

@Maree1986 I’ve only read your posts, and can’t see an answer to this: how does she ask him? text or WhastApp message/in person or on a phone call/by email?

DH problem, not a MIL problem. It's unlikely he'll change now.

She sounds lovely, tho tbh she probably was partly responsible for her son being like this.

Disappointing as it will be for her to have to face the fact that her son's a bit rubbish there's going to have to be a conversation.

Let her know that for some reason DH has a problem when it comes to communicating and consulting about the kids.

And he doesn't think he needs to be polite and considerate around letting you know what's happening.

No reason at all why he shouldn't arrange for them to do something with his mum, just as there's no reason why you shouldn't arrange things.

It's just that as he fails to communicate with you about plans, in future speak to you and you'll do the right thing and let him know.

Hopefully you're teaching your kids not to be like him.

What they don't know is that I am a strong and passionate feminist

No you are not. Your children are still witnessing a mummy, child dynamic with you and your husband whether they are the 'natural roles' you and him have fallen in to or not. And so the cycle repeats, to the next generation.
Your instinct is to blame your mil for your husbands incompetence . She should be able to ask her son if she can do something with her grandkids.
So the options are, train your husband to be able to use the family calender. Or, train him to ring or message you as soon as mil asks. Do you have a shock collar lying around?

You owe me 50p :)
This isn't about control. If the calender is filled with lovely plans for my kids then I am nothing but happy and grateful, regardless of who wrote them. If he can check the calender, confirm with MIL abd then write it in straight away then of course that's OK. But that's not who he is.

Simply because I was there (with the kids) and he wasn't.

Because her DH isn't sticking to the roles, but instead agreeing to plans with MIL! He should be saying "sounds good mum, but you need to speak to X, she knows when we're free"

What do you mean she got 'all huffy' @Maree1986 ?

He's not expected to changes his ways because that's just the way he is. She doesn't get the same free pass. She's supposed to change even though she's not actually anything wrong.

Seriously?

I suspect the cinema trip disappointment might help MIL recognise that repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different result isn't effective.

I'm not asking her to "change" as such, I'm just asking her to use the system we as a family set up for making plans.

I don't really expect DH to use tbe calander, no, because that's my job. I do expect him to pass on messages or tell his mum to ask me. However, he shouldn't have to do this in tbe first place because she should have just come directly to me as I asked her to. And by the way, when I did ask her to, she did agree. She didn't say "no, I am just going to go through him still" she said yes.

Absolutely agree that MIL should be able to arrange things for the children with her son, provided that he checks the family calendar at the time he's talking to his mother, finds out if the arrangements fit in and confirms it by putting the details in the calendar immediately. However, for whatever reason (and most of us have a blind spot) he's just not this organised and causes irritation/confusion for all concerned.

I doubt this is the first time plans have fallen through because MIL feels (rightly) that her son should be a competent enough person to check a calendar and act accordingly. Even if he then doesn't actually tell his wife she, being competent and organised, regularly checks the calendar, speaks to her husband and, possibly finalises arrangements. The fact is both MIL and DH have caused this latest confusion, MIL's upset and the children disappointed. @Maree1986 how did you leave things with MIL? Has she now, finally, realised it's just easier and more efficient, to liaise with you? 🌹

Sorry, new here and I dont know how to quote just one section.

To answer the last part, I don't know. I guess we will see next time she tries to make plans and we are not free or she turns up to do something with them and I don't have the kids ready because I didn't know.

Oh my goodness !

Op couldn’t have been clearer or any more reasonable.

Her Mil should wind her neck in ,get off her high horse and accept that whilst her son is a lovely person , a good dad and husband , he isn’t the one to ask if she wants to find out if her grandchildren are available on a specific date so she can arrange a ‘treat ‘day out !

Or she can continue to be obtuse and climb back up on Big Neddy and sulk.

Wish you well Op , you certainly haven’t deserved some of these comments.

Teach your DH the answer to all questions involving your children.
"That sounds great but you'll have to ask Maree1986; Maree works out the kids' program and she knows whether that will be okay."

Role play - pretend to be MIL and then he has to answer in that kind and sensible way. Play act that game until he gets it right.

I don't understand how you know your DH is shit and needs to change yet can't, why you assume your MIL can change. Maybe she forgets that she needs to message you every time just like your DH forgets to tell you. Apple might not fall far from the tree.

While I would find it hard to see my DC upset about not being able to do something with granny, I do think I would enjoy drumming home my point at times like this! Your MIL clearly doesn't want to plan activities with her GC through you and that is her prerogative. It means she is frequently going to have activities cancelled at the last minute. It's not your fault that your DH is shit at checking a calendar. Your MIL clearly needs to learn the hard way through repetitive cancellations that her DH is shit at organising his calendar. She is the one that misses out - your DC still get to do something fun when there is a clash I imagine!

It's your DH's behaviour that needs to change. He is her son and she is entitled to make arrangements through him. You need to explain to your mil in a different way. Like as if it is both of you inconconvenienced when your DH doesnt pass on messages. I can see why she gets huffy if you say its me you need to arrange things through as if you are the big boss. This woukd irritate me too I'm afraid.

Ultimately they don't miss out at all. They still benefit from the plans I made, and it's not like they didn't go to the cinema, it was just arranged for a mutually convenient time.
So maybe I should just let it happen so that they both learn.

Oh I do! I tell her he's shit and doesn't tell me anything. I don't just demand for no reason.

That was my first thought, why do women say this other than to belittle the father of the children? I wonder if the OP checks with their father before she makes arrangements for the weekends etc. or does he have to just go along with what she says?

@Maree1986 Yes, exactly. I would just let them continue to fuck up together. And I would enjoy watching the shitshow unravel. I might even enjoy saying 'silly daddy, he often gets in a muddle with the calendar doesn't he kids?' when these situations occur. It's not your problem, not your shitshow.