To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Sorry but I also think you also have a MIL problem. She’s huffy with you for having plans not her son who she discussed her plans with and failed to pass them on. It’s him that’s let her down not you. You’ve told her to make the plans with you as her son is rubbish at passing things on. Maybe a few more times of having her plans cancelled will make her realise she should make arrangements through you rather than her son.

I can understand your frustration but if you keep being the one in control of all appointments both work and leisure your dh is never ever going to change. You keep saying he's useless with it but he's an adult that's not good enough he has to learn the skills to manage appointments and a calendar surely, and you're just enabling his incompetence by taking control of it all.

My dd1 is 16 she's dyslexia and ADHD her organisation skills are dreadful. I did it all for her but I realised last year that I was not helping her in any way I was adding to the problem. Within a year she has improved so much and grown in confidence. You need to step back and let your dh get to grips with organising his life! For your sake and his

To be fair, her son want there to be huffy with when she found out. Had he been, I imagine that he'd have got her wrath.

OP sounded a bit blunt, going from what she says, so maybe MIL just got a bit defensive.

Want= wasn't

Exactly. This has worked for us for the past 40-odd years

Why double-up? Creates confusion. Unless you use a shared online calendar. And even they have their pitfalls

And if the husband takes it on it's still one person doing the role so why can't it be the OP?

*Why double-up? Creates confusion. Unless you use a shared online calendar. And even they have their pitfalls

And if the husband takes it on it's still one person doing the role so why can't it be the OP?*

Because it's clearly not working hence the post 🤷

That isn't the OP's fault!

It is the ops fault. She insists that there is a family calendar but if there was one, it would be used by both of them. What there actually is appears to be her personal calendar which her dh doesn't use or refer to, but which apparently trumps decisions he has made about his kids.

If it was an agreed shared family calendar then he would have referred to it when arranging the weekend with his mum.

Why is his mum supposed to defer to her dil's system over her son's system? There's nothing to say either system is the agreed one. There doesn't seem to be an agreement at all in fact.

@Maree1986

Sorry, new here and I dont know how to quote just one section.

Just highlight the section you want then copy/paste. I know there are MN instructions how to bold text but I just use the standard keyboard to highlight and bold/italicise text. If there is more than one paragraph, highlight each paragraph separately. Works for me... 🌹

Brilliant. So the son’s calendar is a black hole where he just agrees to anything and never mentions it again.

@ArcticSkewer

Why is his mum supposed to defer to her dil's system over her son's system?

Her husband doesn't seem to have a system though - apart from saying "yes"... 🌹

That doesn't make her system any better or worse.

Did she ask him, using his verbal system, before booking something onto what appears to be her personal calendar for family events?

Your MiL had the agreement of one of her GCs two equal parents to do something. If there is some flaw in the communication between the two equal parents, then that is entirely on them. There is no reason at all why she shouldn't make arrangements through her son. One of the most complained about things on here is women being the default parent.
If your DH is not complying with your procedures, you need to address that between you, not bring a third party into it.
You should have told him he'd managed to get his children double booked and that he needed to sort it. No reason you and your MiL should have tension between you over his error.

I think your dh is rubbish at this because he's allowed to continue to be. So since it's a continued issue I'd tell him that the next time he agrees to something without checking the family planner, he's the one that needs to go to the kids and say sorry I messed up- you can't go to the cinema this weekend as we're doing x. And he needs to be the one going to his mum and saying sorry mum I didn't check the calendar and we've something else on. When he's the one having to deliver the disappointing news each time then he'll start checking the calendar.

I'd also check it's accessible for him. So have an online shared calendar that you can both update in real time just so he has absolutely no excuse. And I wouldn't be taking on more responsibility so that he can continue to avoid his.

Also if the mil is grumpy it may be because she thinks you're choosing a different activity over hers, how's she to know/believe yours was organised first? I would be a bit suspicious if I agreed something with one person and then after they come back and say oh sorry I forgot we're doing this so can't meet you now.....

The way things are worded in the OP sounds a bit officious (I have made a request as the mother of her grandchildren that she speak to me about plans involving said grandchildren so that I can easily let her know if we can meet her request or not.)
Wouldn't it be easier to say "I'm so sorry, Dave never mentioned this to me at all and I have something already arranged that we can't change. He's rubbish at organising, please text me next time"
It isn't your MILs fault, it's entirely your husband's. The way you have phrased it sounds controlling but I understand why it would be easier if she went through you.

I'm not sure if op has ever said which activity was arranged first

Up until P6, I was pretty amazed by the vote, as I agreed with 99% of the comments, that YABVVVVU to be blaming your MiL for this issue, when clearly, EVERYONE can see this is an issue with your dh.

I STILL don't see why you can't set up a WhatsApp group with you, dh, and your MiL for making these arrangements. Whatever faults your dh has, whatever arrangements you have agreed in your marriage, this would solve the issue very, very easily, without your MiL having to give up her principle that her ds / your dh ought to be involved, and able to check a calendar.

Yes, I have said this almost word for word only much more apologetically. I have not in any way been rude or impatient with her and have expressed my gratitude for her taking them out at all. She still works full time in a demanding job despite being closer to 70 than 60 and yet still finds time to lavish attention and cash on all 9 of her grandchildren, even taking them on holiday. I am simply doing 2 things: informing her that I am the one who has the role of organising the calender (as someone excellently put it - these things evolve naturally in a marriage) and requesting, for everyone's sake that she run her plans past me first.
I do not blame anything on her, I do not enable my husband's incompetence in this particular area of his life. My husband does care about his kids.

I think if you'd put this in the opening post, you might have had different responses.

But still don't understand why you can't just set up a WhatsApp group for the 3 of you, which would resolve it, very, very easily.

Presumably you're not a feminist either if you think it's OP's responsibility to train a man.

It can only be used by both of them if they BOTH actually use it!!

is OP supposed to guess daily if her husband made plans?

What would you be suggesting to OP going forward?
If DH prefers verbal systems, why did he not mention the cinema trip to OP?

I'd suggest she stops calling the work calendar the family calendar and telling everyone they have to make plans via her.

I’m with you OP and I wouldn’t even take this on as a problem

You've told DH to communicate plans - he won’t

You’ve told Mil to book in with you direct as you organise things and DH won’t pass on the message - she won’t

So any future fucks ups are entirely on the two of them. No need for any stress on your part :)

So she should just never make any plans on or use a calendar because he might have already scheduled something verbally?

You should have told him he'd managed to get his children double booked and that he needed to sort it. No reason you and your MiL should have tension between you over his error.

As I said, I was with MIL and the children (not him) when she announced she was taking them to the cinema which was news to both me and the kids. I had to say something there and then because the kids were excited and I needed to shut it down quick before they got too excited, explain we had something else on that day and arrange an alternative day with her.
Leaving it to tell my OH would just have been prolonging the kids' excitement before letting them down and make me look kind of rude for not saying anything at the time.