To insist MIL asks me, not DH, when making plans that involve my kids?

[Maree1986]

Just to be clear, this is not a MIL-bashing thread. She's great, and a loving, involved grandmother. I'm lucky and I know not everyone has decent grandparents in their children's lives.

BUT whenever she wants to do something with the kids, she naturally asks DH, her son, and not me.

I am the one who organises the family calender and their lives, not him. He will just say yes, should be fine, and then immediately forgets the whole thing, and never mentions it to me.

Now, I KNOW that the actual person in the wrong here is DH but since that's what he's like I have said to MIL that it would be easier for everyone if she just went through me.

So last week we were together, me, her and the kids and she announces to the kids that she's taking them to the cinema this weekend! Absolute first I've heard of it and she gets the kids all excited. I said, no, I'm really sorry, but I've got something else on and it's all booked and paid for, you need to ask ME when you arrange stuff. She got all huffy.

Is it an unreasonable request? Obviously I am pissed at DH too, I'm not putting all the blame on her, but I don't know why she can't just do it.

Tell her that she is not to tell the children of any plans until she gets confirmation from her son that he has checked the calendar and it is OK.

I bet 50p OP would still end up mad in that situation because it’s not just about calendar clashes but that she gets the final say on what the children do. The DH should just tell his DM to go direct to DW.

Quick question - why were you the one that had to tell MIL no for the weekend?

You should have made your DH do that awkward task - it was his fault!

Agree the 3 of you need to have a conversation face to face where your DH has to say 'I will never be able to give a yes or no Mum, please ask Maree every time'

You have agreed that you are the calendar organiser in your marriage, you are happy with that role as you are good at it, your DH is crap at it, but does lots of other good stuff. That's your decision and your business

Yabu, on all the other threads MIL is bashed for assuming it’s the woman who should organise everything. MIL organises stuff with DH here, works fine. Don’t you have a joint calendar or is he so incompetent he can’t use it? He needs to sort himself out.

So set up a separate WhatsApp that's just your family and her.

This! DH and I have a WhatsApp group with my parents and another with his. It's a great way to make sure we're all in the loop.

@Maree1986 Have to phrased it to MIL that by going through her son, you are not getting to know the plans so she and the children are missing out. Therefore better to just make plans with you as he won't remember to pass them on. Or to make plans with him and then check with you that he told you about them :) You are definitely in the right here and the other posters are batshit?

As @Twyford says, set up another group - we have multiple groups/mixes of family members. It makes life so much easier!

"My" kids, not "our" kids?

Of course not. I suspect he manages to hold down a job too. He just cba to do stuff that he thinks women should pick up on his behalf. Bit like all these ‘useless’ men. If men are all so useless why don’t they get sacked from jobs? Surely they would earn less than women on average?

If he never looks at the work calendar, how does he get to work appointments? Do you have to read it for him?

You haven't read all of OP's posts have you?

I’m a MIL and my DIL told me off once for arranging visits with DGC with DS. Because he didn’t tell her. No doubt she bollocked him as well. I was a bit upset TBH but took it on the chin and set up my own WhatsApp group just the three of us and waited until I had a response from her to finalise plans. Now kids are older with their own phones I’ve set up one for us all. I don’t think YABU. You are both women who love your son and his kids. Work together to accept his difficulty with managing his diary. Job done .

I’m on the fence on this one. I totally get the frustration. My DH is the same. Makes plans all the time without checking with me what everyone is doing. He insisted we have a shared calendar. I put everything in there. He never looks at it. Because it’s full of “junk” (kids parties. Reminders to buy presents. Birthdays. Appointments. Etc).

The amount of times things have been double booked because DH doesn’t think to check it’s so infuriating.

Your DH only needs to change his response to "ask Maree, as I am not sure what plans we have". I think he can manage that. He doesn't have to take control of the calendar, but that would leave MIL under no illusions about what is planned

Well apparently this particular bloke is actually so incompetent he couldn’t hold down an actual job in the real world if this is to be believed. I suspect he’d soon sort it without a woman to wipe his arse (metaphorically).

But lots of talk on the thread about ‘useless’ men it isn’t just the OP’s.

No your MIL is doing you a massive favour by trying to get your DH to step up and play his part.

OP I can’t believe you’ve had such a hard time on here! You’ve clearly explained that you both have “roles” so to speak, I’m not married but my parents have always had roles and it works for them!! Why does it matter fgs if you’re happy with it. It sounds like your DP does other things to make it more equal.

In terms of your question, I’m not sure what the answer is if MIL didn’t listen to your initial request! Either ask your DH to tell her and hope she’ll listen to him or make a smaller WhatsApp with just the 3 of you in? I’m not sure sorry and good luck.

This is what I think. She’s probably really embarrassed I would be if it was my son.

But as the OP has said throughout the thread she isn’t doing her a favour at all by doing this.

The beauty of a WhatsApp group is that no-one can claim they weren't told/asked about something. Far better than a phone call in that regard

The trouble is that it doesn't appear that your husband has fully agreed. Otherwise, when his mother suggests some arrangement to him, he would say "I don't know, you'd better ask Maree, she deals with all that".

Not at the moment but if it helps DH get his shit together in the long run it will. I'd start by getting DH to be the one to tell her he screwed up with the dates.

Or that's a point can DH do that instead?

Did DH contact her to apologise?
If he hadn't yet, he needs to, and follow it up with telling her that she needs to ask you in future because he's so rubbish at this stuff.

Op take no notice of the batshit replies.

Of course roles naturally evolve in a family.

If mil is disappointed because she didn’t run it through you, as you’ve asked, then so be it. She’ll eventually learn. Tell her to moan at dh if she’s upset because he failed to pass the message on.

Tell dh to tell her to check with you rather than agreeing. If he doesn’t and it goes wrong, then that’s his problem.

Step back from them both. Shrug your shoulders at both of them and mildly say “you should have checked with me first”
Not your circus.