Page 9 | To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

Gcsunnyside23 · 21/07/2023 13:46

MrsJBaptiste · 21/07/2023 10:16

What do you do now your DD can climb over stairgates? Genuine question, as a FTM I have no idea how you would deal with this

Well at 18 months, our two could go up and down the stairs without having to be watched all the time. We taught them to climb up safely then come down backwards so the stairgates wouldn't be up for all eternity.

We did this too, was much better and safer. Kids learnt to turn into their belly and 'slide' down as such moving knees down to the next step and hands holding on. Was easier and safer as they would slide down rather than go face first if they missed a step

thespy · 21/07/2023 14:13

I think you have to recognise you are in a state of hyper vigilance and most people are not. I understand as I'm like this too and it gets very tiring for other people to deal with because I can be hyper critical if people don't see potential dangers and aren't watching carefully at all times. Especially when it goes wrong. I'm someone who would think "there's no such thing as accidents, just carelessness" for instance. But logically I know that's ridiculous and unfair. And moreover, I make mistakes myself!!!

I do try and regulate what comes out of my mouth, even if it's still going on in my head now, but it took me a long time to realise that whilst I may well be right, others don't respond well to being berated and it does nothing to help my cause.

In this case he did make a mistake, one that you probably wouldn't have made, (never say never) but one he's unlikely to make again. Be thankful nothing serious did happen and try and forgive him. Mistakes and accidents do happen but try not to punish him for how he's made you feel - which at the end of the day is the worst thing about this particular incident, it's the thought of what "could" have happened but didn't. But now you have to deal with additional fear about "next time".

All you can do now is try and make the stairs as safe as possible either by installing the gates (which rely on them being closed by the adults!) and teaching DD how to go down safely. If you want the best out of your DH think about how you approach that one - giving him hell might not get the desired result, he'll probably just stay defensive, but it's important you can trust him or you will drive yourself mad checking what he's doing all the time and you will never leave him alone with DD.

VintageBlossomHill · 21/07/2023 14:13

Accidents do happen, kids do get bumps and parents do cock up sometimes.

I hope you’re prepared to be hung drawn and quartered when your little one has an accident on your watch because you’ll deserve to be Threated as harshly as you’ve treated your husband. Every normal parent beats themself up when their children gets hurt. Your husband didn’t do it on purpose. I’m sure he feels shit and he will have learned from it. It’s normal to maybe snap at someone in the immediate aftermath of an accident along the lines of “what the hell were you thinking” but it’s not normal to want to drag it out like this. PTSD or no PTSD. Your post comes across as from someone domineering and nasty wanting to punish him.

Original poster

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 14:17

thespy · 21/07/2023 14:13

I think you have to recognise you are in a state of hyper vigilance and most people are not. I understand as I'm like this too and it gets very tiring for other people to deal with because I can be hyper critical if people don't see potential dangers and aren't watching carefully at all times. Especially when it goes wrong. I'm someone who would think "there's no such thing as accidents, just carelessness" for instance. But logically I know that's ridiculous and unfair. And moreover, I make mistakes myself!!!

I do try and regulate what comes out of my mouth, even if it's still going on in my head now, but it took me a long time to realise that whilst I may well be right, others don't respond well to being berated and it does nothing to help my cause.

In this case he did make a mistake, one that you probably wouldn't have made, (never say never) but one he's unlikely to make again. Be thankful nothing serious did happen and try and forgive him. Mistakes and accidents do happen but try not to punish him for how he's made you feel - which at the end of the day is the worst thing about this particular incident, it's the thought of what "could" have happened but didn't. But now you have to deal with additional fear about "next time".

All you can do now is try and make the stairs as safe as possible either by installing the gates (which rely on them being closed by the adults!) and teaching DD how to go down safely. If you want the best out of your DH think about how you approach that one - giving him hell might not get the desired result, he'll probably just stay defensive, but it's important you can trust him or you will drive yourself mad checking what he's doing all the time and you will never leave him alone with DD.

This is v insightful and helpful, thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 14:21

Demolishthecreamcake · 21/07/2023 13:08

For someone who's far too busy to take on anymore 'mental load' you sure have a lot to say!

You sound like very hard work, I feel for your poor husband.

Yes it must be such hard work being married to someone who thinks of and takes care of everything, facilitates you have having free time and rest when you need it. I must stop having mental health problems and working so hard, it must be absolutely terrible for my DH!

Alternatively, would you like him?

OP posts:

Demolishthecreamcake · 21/07/2023 14:24

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 14:21

Yes it must be such hard work being married to someone who thinks of and takes care of everything, facilitates you have having free time and rest when you need it. I must stop having mental health problems and working so hard, it must be absolutely terrible for my DH!

Alternatively, would you like him?

Show quote history

Huge assumptions OP! I suggest you stop complaining about having no time and posting reams and reams of messages on MN and get some help for your MH - it appears to be a big problem.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 21/07/2023 14:25

Simonjt · 21/07/2023 09:31

Open tread stairs can be carpeted if they are made of wood, having all doors shut or a gate on everydoor to me suggests it either likely isn’t a suitable environment for a small toddler. What will you do in a few months when she can climb over stairgates?

Our daughter is around 18 months, even in a slippery footrd babygrow she can easily climb over a stairgate she can also open standard internal doors.

If you want eight stairgates, why haven’t you bought them and put them on?

You only need to look at the estate agents , some houses are just unsuitable for toddlers .

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:31

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 09:24

Re a stairgate - we've been having work done on the stairs which has just finished. I've been asking DH to measure up for more stairgates (we have one on her bedroom door already) and in the meantime, ensure all doors are closed and she is not unsupervised at all. Our house is unusual and split level, there are stairs everywhere and they can't be carpeted as they are open tread. Not ideal with kids, but also not much we can do about it. We did have a quote to replace the staircases but it was over £20k and it's money we don't have. DH is reluctant to put 8 stairgates up but I told him it was necessary. It will now be done this weekend, whether he likes it or not and whether or not I have to pay someone to do it!

I am under a psychiatrist and psychologist for the PTSD and have made massive improvements - the almost constant flashbacks are now minimal, but I find it hugely triggering if/when DD is seriously poorly, or for anything involving a hospital. I don't think it's unreasonable to get a 15 month old with a head injury from falling from a height of over 1m checked. I'm pretty sure nursery would expect us to do this before her being in their care today.

I understand that there may come a time when she has an accident in my care - she's had accidents at nursery and I haven't felt the same way. I know accidents happen. But there's a difference surely between a trip/bump when she's running around (still at the clumsy falling over her own feet stage) and an accident that could have been prevented if he'd just thought ahead and not left some DIY stuff on the floor and not closed the doors/put her down near this stairs.

Just a tip for the stairs.

We had open tread and we didn't replace, we just 'filled them in' and carpeted.

Much cheaper

nonumbersinthisname · 21/07/2023 14:38

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 14:21

Yes it must be such hard work being married to someone who thinks of and takes care of everything, facilitates you have having free time and rest when you need it. I must stop having mental health problems and working so hard, it must be absolutely terrible for my DH!

Alternatively, would you like him?

Show quote history

Bloody hell OP take a breath. You posted in AIBU on a subject that is going to generate quite a bit of opinion. Every thread opener in AIBU is an invite to a bun fight. If you think on reflection that this is a relationship issue (unequal domestic load) then post on that board and you’ll get some more considered thoughts.

Im glad your daughter is ok.

FarmGirl78 · 21/07/2023 14:52

This what stair/door gates are for.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/07/2023 15:14

All accidents are preventable, your reaction to your dh is extreme and it’s unfair if you to be “furious” at him, your also being underhanded to some posters who are rightfully pointing out you were BOTH at fault.

It was an accident waiting to happen and unfortunately it happened in your dh time.

I do think you need to step back and stop projecting into your dh, he can’t do right for doing wrong, you come across as someone having a huge chip on their shoulders and woe is me but being a martyr with it.

From someone looking from the outside, who also has PTSD , my advise is to step back and breath, otherwise your seriously going to be negatively affecting your marriage.

You're supposed to be in a partnership with your dh however you’re acting like a belligerent aggressor!

Original poster

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 15:15

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2023 14:31

Just a tip for the stairs.

We had open tread and we didn't replace, we just 'filled them in' and carpeted.

Much cheaper

Show quote history

Thank you, but we've been told we can't do this due to the design of the staircase (not of our choosing).

To those who suggested we perhaps might have chosen a different house, we've lived here 10 years and knew we needed fertility treatment to conceive. We weren't sure it would ever happen. We didn't feel we could not choose a house that was perfect in every other way because of children that may never happen.

OP posts:

Cas112 · 21/07/2023 15:16

It wasn't intentional was it and he probably already feels guilty so let it go and don't make him feel guilty

He will learn from his mistake and you need a baby gate

Not everyone can be perfect like you OP

luckylavender · 21/07/2023 15:23

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 09:00

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

You're overreacting and YABU for saying 'my' DD.

coxesorangepippin · 21/07/2023 15:24

It's not an accident.

It's negligence

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/07/2023 15:29

Don’t talk tripe!

He didn‘t leave his Dd unattended, he simply wasn’t fast enough, when she bolted down the stairs.

oakleaffy · 21/07/2023 15:33

There will be plenty of accidents to come, that’s just what kids do.
Even the most hovering parent has a child who will have accidents.
When an accident happens on your watch ( Which it likely will) will you expect your husband to be “ Fuming “?

Accidents take place in the twinkling of an eye- Toddlers are designed for (low )falls

Be sensibly aware but not paranoid.

Hot drinks are a frequent way toddlers get injured- grabbing for mugs or teapots

Our DS grabbed a visitor’s coffee and that was daily visits to casualty to have scalds dressed. thankfully no scars

Never happened again.

tidalway · 21/07/2023 15:47

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WAPP · 21/07/2023 16:00

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/07/2023 15:29

Don’t talk tripe!

He didn‘t leave his Dd unattended, he simply wasn’t fast enough, when she bolted down the stairs.

Actually, he did.

As I said upthread, an accident is one thing. A preventable accident is something entirely different. If the OP's husband had not left his tools around (which is a dick thing to do with toddlers around anyway), he wouldn't have had to leave the child unattended. This was entirely preventable, and I would be very pissed off with him too.

It's totally different from a genuine accident.

rockpoolingtogether · 21/07/2023 16:05

Stealth boast on the mahogany stairs

WAPP · 21/07/2023 16:08

rockpoolingtogether · 21/07/2023 16:05

Stealth boast on the mahogany stairs

Oh is it bollocks. A strange number of people on this thread seem to be rather envious of the OP's stairs...

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/07/2023 16:13

I've only read the first page but you can teach her how to turn and come down the stairs backwards, she's old enough.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/07/2023 16:15

WAPP · Today 16:00
Actually, he did

Actually 🙄he didn’t

I quote the OP
He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs.

The child was in the same room as her father however bolted for the door while her father was putting the items away!!!

Let’s not dramatise everything and call the OP’s negligence , as both the OP and her DH are both in the wrong for not ensuring their home is child proof, however accidents happen and I’m sure they both will learn from the experience.