To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

[user63696369]

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

Sounds like it was an accident but why don't you have a stairgate?

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable

The whole point of accidents is that they accidental and lots are entirely preventable one way or another.

I hope you're getting help for your PTSD - it must make parenting very difficult. There will be many more of these sort of accidents during her childhood, you need to let go of your anger. How would you want your DH to behave when she inevitably has an accident on your watch?

I think YABU, I have a DD the same age and she falls all the time. You need to baby proof your house as much as possible but blaming your husband isn't fair.

Who's accident form is he filling in? Nursery don't need one, it didn't happen at nursery.

It depends how he is. If he's like ah it's fine, she bounces, that'll teach her! then I'd still be angry. If he's upset, I'd accept that none of us are perfect and if I had an ACCIDENT with her would I expect him to be fuming for days on end with me

Put your energy into both learning from it and how to reduce the risk of it happening again eg stair gates as others have said.
I also would not have taken her to hospital unless she was showing signs of being unwell or a bump to the head but that’s just me.
And the way you spoke to your DH about it sounds harsh and horrible.

Re a stairgate - we've been having work done on the stairs which has just finished. I've been asking DH to measure up for more stairgates (we have one on her bedroom door already) and in the meantime, ensure all doors are closed and she is not unsupervised at all. Our house is unusual and split level, there are stairs everywhere and they can't be carpeted as they are open tread. Not ideal with kids, but also not much we can do about it. We did have a quote to replace the staircases but it was over £20k and it's money we don't have. DH is reluctant to put 8 stairgates up but I told him it was necessary. It will now be done this weekend, whether he likes it or not and whether or not I have to pay someone to do it!

I am under a psychiatrist and psychologist for the PTSD and have made massive improvements - the almost constant flashbacks are now minimal, but I find it hugely triggering if/when DD is seriously poorly, or for anything involving a hospital. I don't think it's unreasonable to get a 15 month old with a head injury from falling from a height of over 1m checked. I'm pretty sure nursery would expect us to do this before her being in their care today.

I understand that there may come a time when she has an accident in my care - she's had accidents at nursery and I haven't felt the same way. I know accidents happen. But there's a difference surely between a trip/bump when she's running around (still at the clumsy falling over her own feet stage) and an accident that could have been prevented if he'd just thought ahead and not left some DIY stuff on the floor and not closed the doors/put her down near this stairs.

This sounds like it isn't just about this particular incident. Is this accident a culmination of feeling like he doesn't do things 'properly'?

How often is he solely responsible for dd?

I fairness, accidents do happen. But is there more to this for you?

Glad she's OK. Remember that's the main thing.

These things happen. We've all had heart-stopping moments. Why don't you have a stair gate? Top and bottom is best.

Yabu. Accidents happen. Sorry for your ptsd

You need a stairgate until she is old enough to learn to go down on her bum. It is completely ridiculous and unreasonable to expect life with a 15 month old to be constantly having to keep a door closed and if not literally watch every move and keep an active baby from stairs- just get a stairgate either on the hall stairs, or the room leading to the hallway

Ah, I see you are getting them now.

But, yeah, we all mess up sometimes. And when it's your turn, hopefully your DH will be a little more forgiving than you are being to him!

Have you not taught her how to navigate stairs safely? At her age she can learn how.

We have to notify nursery and fill in a form if she has an injury that occurred outside of nursery.

He's not exactly saying "oh it's fine" but he hasn't apologised or anything either. He has form for trying to carry on as if nothing as happened.

@SleepingStandingUp Who's accident form is he filling in? Nursery don't need one, it didn't happen at nursery.

You need to fill in a form if you are bringing your child in with a visible injury to confirm as the parent you are aware of the injury and to sign that it didn't happen at nursery.

I'm not sure why he needs to measure up and fit the stair gates? Surely you could have done that?

Obviously your PTSD is clouding the issue but it doesn't actually sound like you're that fond of him or that you trust him with his own child.

She also really didn't need a hospital trip.

i understand it was very scary, and preventable, but accidents do happen and something will almost certainly happen whilst you’re caring for your Dd someday despite all the precautions you take to prevent them. My 15 month old got 3 different sets of scratches and scrapes on his face last week despite me constantly trying to prevent him falling over!
A stair gate is always a good idea, especially with non carpeted stairs as well as teaching your child how to sit down, turn around and go down the stairs backwards (though I appreciate that probably wouldn’t have helped in this situation).
Your Dd is okay. Hopefully your DH has been shocked into a reality check of safety measures with your child now, but please don’t give him a hard time about it, I’m sure he feels awful and terrified about what happened and how much worse it could have been anyway.

I understand how you feel but DC have had accidents while I’ve looked after them and DH has never criticised me or blamed me and in turn I’ve done the same for him even when I want to scream what were you thinking. Afterwards we’ve discussed how to avoid it happening again and I’d definitely go for stair gates.
When you see him I’d try to avoid any blaming conversations and expect the same from him in the future when it happens to you

I've been asking DH to measure up for more stairgates

Why is it DH job? Do you need a penis to measure and put up a a stair gate?

I know accidents happen. But there's a difference surely between a trip/bump when she's running around (still at the clumsy falling over her own feet stage) and an accident that could have been prevented if he'd just thought ahead and not left some DIY stuff on the floor and not closed the doors/put her down near this stairs.

It was entirely prevantable because there should have been a stairgate.

@user63696369 He's not exactly saying "oh it's fine" but he hasn't apologised or anything either. He has form for trying to carry on as if nothing as happened.

He doesn't need to apologise though in a way where he is taking accountability and blame. You are clearly a bit all guns blazing 'this is your fault' about this and it isn't helpful. It's going to put a wedge between you and your DH and put his back up about things like this.

He has form for trying to carry on as if nothing as happened.

In this case, "nothing" did happen. Your daughter had a little accident and she's perfectly fine. It happened, she's fine, it's over. Hopefully, he learned from it.

You ABVU. On a rare occasion when my ex looked after DD at his flat, he allowed her, at around 12 months, to fall the entire length of a very steep staircase. She landed on a hard floor at the bottom. As she didn't cry for long, I didn't get her checked out and she was fine. Unless she showed signs of concussion or a broken limb etc. I wouldn't dream of wasting time at OOH. Yes, I was annoyed that he was careless with her, but didn't make an issue of it as it was an accident.

Why does he need to apologise??
It's his daughter too and he's is probably upset as are you?

You are both at fault re the child proofing at home. 15 month olds move fast... you can't have eyes in the back of your head all the time. My house needed 5 stair gates due to it being a town house. It was one of those things until she could learn to go up and down the stairs safely.
Your home is your child's home as well and they should be able to have their own little bit of freedom to roam around.

Yes, I think so. He is good with DD in the sense that he spends a lot of time with her, gives her breakfast every day, equal share of nursery runs etc. But he rarely has her on his own and he doesn't seem to think in the same way I do, i.e. realising potential dangers and not underestimating how fast/clever they are, even at 15 months. It seems to run in his family as recently at a family party, another parent left a strip of paracetamol on the floor next the bouncy castle. There several were kids ranging from 15 months - 5y/o - anyone of them could have picked them up. On another occasion someone else left the front door wide open with a house full of small children - the house is on a main road!

carry on with what? What do you want him to do differently?

Unless there is a massive drip feed about him ignoring her in his care and her always getting injured then this is over the top.

Put some stair gates up yourself, it’s not hard.

Oh and open tread stairs absolutely can be carpeted. I think you probably mean you don’t want them carpeted because of the mahogany dahling but it wouldn’t matter if you had put stair gates up as soon your child was mobile.