To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

[user63696369]

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

"Are open riser staircases safe?" https://www.multiturn.co.uk/post/are-open-riser-staircases-safe

Interesting article

YABU. You’ve had 15months to fit a stairgate so no excuse.

Kind of a bit mean to be angry with him. Understandable, but the accidents never stop!

This is interesting and I'm definitely going to look at getting some of those metal bars plus other bespoke options. Thank you.

Can’t quite believe what I’m reading here but op yanbu.

Op it is not your fault that your dh allowed your dd to fall down the stairs because he wasn’t watching her properly and didn’t close the bloody door.

It’s also not your responsibility alone to baby proof your home. My dh is not great with the housework and mental load but when it comes to the kids safety I have never had to ask more than once. Your dh is a complete and utter dick whose lazy, laidback outlook could have resulted in serious injury to your dd. I’m really not surprised you’re angry.

If you were a single parent this would be entirely your responsibility (and I have no doubt that it would be done and this would never have happened) but you’re not. He needs to up his game massively and show some recognition of the seriousness of what happened.

RTFT. Diagnosed and in treatment. I don't need anti anxiety meds, DD had a head injury from a fall of over 1m, I don't think it's unreasonable to seek medical treatment in those circumstances. Someone else I spoke to said 111 sent an ambulance for their DD (same age) in almost identical circumstances!

This was not a trivial accident. Friend of mine dropped her baby and the resulting head injury caused permanent brain damage. Falling down a flight of stairs was serious and OP is right to feel her DH is laxy/negligent.

Why do the 8 stair gates have to be put up by your DH or a contractor? Why not put them up together?

I don't think the accident is the issue, they happen and all parents have those 'oh fuck' moments at some point.

The issue is the mental load. That's what you need to talk to him about. If you're working the most (and need to be doing all the extra hours to maintain being a high earner) then he needs to be taking on the communication with nursery, the shopping, housework, appointments- or at least the lions share.

If you discuss it calmly and explain how there's a mismatch in the amount of work you're both doing and he refuses then you have to make a decision whether that's acceptable. If he won't do his share when it's explained to him then it won't get better.

Sounds like you’re all sorted and don’t need input on mumsnet then.

YANBU, husband is a vile scumbag, you should divorce him, he should be in jail for neglect and you should carry your child around for the rest of their life to prevent them falling over. Done 😀

Completely uncalled for and downright nasty. I'd tell you to fuck off, but I wouldn't want to get banned, so.... maybe I'll report your sexist, ableist comment instead.

If only life was that simple 😆

OP, I'm really sorry you went through this and I understand that with PTSD and the history you have, it must have been very worrying. However, I do feel like the main thrust of the story is that your DD was absolutely fine. And perhaps there is something to learn from that too with regard to your own recovery? Obviously, you want to reduce risk around your child (quite rightly) but sometimes it won't be possible to control absolutely everything. Those instances are likely to grow as she gets older. But even in those cases, things tend to turn out OK.

By all means, have a word with your husband about the stairs and sort out a gate, but the main thing to remember is that there was no actual harm done, and "what iffing" can sometimes do more harm than good.

I wish you all the best with your recovery.

So you don’t have a stairgate, DH dropped his guard for a minute (as ALL parents do at some point) and you are making him out to be the devil incarnate. If this was a reverse, you would expect sympathy and to be told you’re not a bad mum. YABVVVVVU

Accidents happen and I'm sure he feels terrible. I'd be more pissed off about his reluctance to fit stairgates in the first place! All kids have accidents whilst in the care of both their parents and it's best not to keep score on these things because it could come back to bite you one day. As the old saying goes, all's well that ends well. DH has learned a lesson and the stairgates are going in now. Just draw a line under it and move on 😏

Both DH & I are Safety professionals (senior roles). In our first house we weren't able to fit safety gates without considerable investment (no bannisters/odd layout) and we knew we were moving soon. We instead put a gate on her room and then just taught her how to go up and down stairs safely from as soon as she was toddling.

First 5 minutes after picking up the keys for the new house, DD was about 15m and went toddling up the new stairs. New stairs curve at the top and she lost footing on the narrow part and came tumbling down..both DH and I were on the stairs at the time but neither close enough to catch her before she tumbled. Lesson learned but we didn't blame one another. She was absolutely fine.

We both believe DD needs to learn to assess risk and be exposed safely to risk as she grows, spend time now teaching her how to hold on safely etc so that she's ready when she outgrows the gates.

YABU I'm afraid, I think the issue is lack of stair gate and stairs carpet. You can't stop toddlers having accidents and you physically can't watch them every second, you just have to make the environment as safe as possible.

For someone who's far too busy to take on anymore 'mental load' you sure have a lot to say!

You sound like very hard work, I feel for your poor husband.

Would it be better to have stairgates at certain doors rather than all the stairs?

We didn't rely on them as such-saw them as more of a barrier to slow the kids down until we got to them iyswim.

I can also see why you are pissed off Op.

As another poster put-5mins with her dad & she has fallen down the stairs!

Trust me, by the time DD leaves home, you too will have made at least one gut-wrenching wrong-move /split second inattention/dropped your guard, risking serious harm to beloved child, that wracks you with fear shame and guilt.

There are no perfect parents.

One of my DD's rode a trike down some wooden stairs (6 or so like yours) and she bounced and was fine, despite the trike landing on top of her

My other DD fell UP the stairs. She got a massive cut on her eye socket and needed 6 stitches.

They will all have accidents, and yes we feel bad but it's a fact of life with toddlers. Im sure your DH does feel bad but I think we all jump initially to being defensive, especially if he saw how cross you were with him

Going to echo the thought that a child gate is the obvious answer here. I do understand the heartstopping feeling of a child falling down the stairs (my son fell down ours top to bottom a few years ago, it was very scary and upsetting) but your blame is misplaced and ultimately unhelpful. All 3 of my kids have had accidents on mine and other people's watch, and barring really active negligence unfortunately it's just one of those things that go with being a parent.

For example, my eldest had an accident that required stitches at nursery, yes if they were hyper vigilant to the point of limiting activity it wouldn't have happened but it's not healthy to contain a toddler to the point of never learning to moderate risky behaviour, and she was being silly which also contributed to the accident. Kids do unpredictable things sometimes. I hope you and your daughter are feeling better and have a nice quiet day together today.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! To everyone saying get stairgates... What real reason do you need to put a 15 month old unaccompanied on the landing...closing the door is an acceptable alternative. It was totally preventable. It's infuriating when you spend your life staying so switched on predicting potential dangers and mitigating them and then have to either be a nag or watch in horror as other family members just obliviously bumble along and then act genuinely surprised when the inevitable happens.
Some pp are saying to teach baby to go down stairs backwards. A) that's not the point b) some kids take longer to learn these kinds of skills

@user63696369 I think some people enjoy being shitty.

I don't think yabu in the slightest. The one being unreasonable is your husband, who had one job (keeping toddler safe) and couldn't even do that. I had similar when my DC were small. An accident is one thing, and anyone could have one of those, but a preventable accident is a different matter. It's bloody obvious that you don't leave tools around a toddler, and it's equally bloody obvious that you don't leave a toddler at the top of wooden stairs.

Stair gates were a problem in my old house, not least as the house didn't have anything to attach gates to at the top or bottom of the stairs. I ended up buying a couple of these (you might have seen them). They gave me a great deal of relief because they did at least compensate for some of my ex husband's inability to assess risk. https://www.argos.co.uk/product/9430107?istCompanyId=a74d8886-5df9-4baa-b776-166b3bf9111c&istFeedId=c290d9a9-b5d6-423c-841d-2a559621874c&istItemId=piptqtmwr&istBid=t&&cmpid=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59157%7Cacid:629-618-1342%7Ccid:20378155429%7Cagid:%7Ctid:%7Ccrid:%7Cnw:x%7Crnd:10078597976859126837%7Cdvc:c%7Cadp:%7Cmt:%7Cloc:1007220&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=20378155429&utm_term=9430107&utm_content=shopping&utm_custom1=&utm_custom2=629-618-1342&GPDP=true&gclid=Cj0KCQjw2eilBhCCARIsAG0Pf8uxjeMSQ8bIJay6UFANkql9dwmY88BmntYQaJQgge-aqKscb5zTYk0aAiHnEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds