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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

320 replies

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 09:00

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

OP posts:
Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:17

Piccalillii · 21/07/2023 10:10

Blimey - this is not a good environment emotionally for her to grow up in - kids have accidents and make mistakes and that's how they learn. Some kids are far more prone than others, doesn't make us bad parents just means kids are harder to tame!

Please do think about how your attitude to risk and fear of harm may negatively impact her and lead to her having anxiety - I know you're having therapy but this can be more damaging for her than the odd head boink.

I am aware of this and I really try to let her just be a toddler, but you have to draw the line somewhere when something is patently unsafe. She is a very accident prone, bullish child - nursery have made these comments off their own back - she's a bit wild! As much as that can be scary, I do love it about her though. I don't want to stifle her, hence the therapy. I am making good progress and in a much better place than I was 6 months ago.

I think you're right @SweetStrawberrie . I keep seeing it over and over again in my head and it's just awful. Hopefully that will pass, I can remember that she is fine and the anger will subside. Flashbacks as part of my PTSD have been awful to live with and this is taking me right back to that place. Maybe I'm not as recovered as I thought I was.

An accidental dripfeed - I am (recently diagnosed) autistic, so maybe this is impacting my thought process. I am told autistic people are more prone to PTSD? I should have mentioned this sooner, but I am fucking tired, stressed and I really need to get on with my work. I'll revisit the thread later for more of an ass kicking (no doubt).

OP posts:
Bliss1221 · 21/07/2023 10:18

We have stairgates at the bottom and top and 70 pcnt wool heavy carpets woth heaviest underlay we could find for that reason.

defo get the gates at least

Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:19

CoachBeardsJane · 21/07/2023 09:57

Oh and because you went to a&e and she's under 2 you'll probably have a chat with your health visitor about this, a&e staff have to refer / tell the child's health visitor about any a&e visits, it's up to them as to whether they call you themselves

Fine by me, but I doubt it. DD was regularly in and out of A&E up to a year old and we had one letter from the HV which said "get in touch if we can help". Is it any wonder kids fall through the net. I'd be very happy to speak to the GP/HV/whoever else deems it necessary.

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 21/07/2023 10:19

You need to install a stair gate. Accident waiting to happen otherwise.

2chocolateoranges · 21/07/2023 10:19

Accidents happen.

our eldest when he was 18 months old had an accident while in my care, thankfully my dh was supportive and caring towards me or I would have been even more distraught than I was, I could have prevented it happening but I wasn’t quick enough and was trying to allow my 19 month old some independence while exploring in the garden (while being supervised.)

if dh isn’t quick enough to do something then I do it myself. Better to be safe than sorry.

Hufflepods · 21/07/2023 10:20

It sounds like this reaction is largely caused by your distain for your husband more-so than health anxiety.

Why even stay with him?

If you say you work significantly more than him, and do all the childcare, and do everything at home and all he ever does it sit there with his feet up then you're the mug for putting up with it.

You're in control of your own life. If you aren't happy and feel he doesn't bring anything then why push on?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 21/07/2023 10:20

Yabu.

But first and foremost you both need to.teach your dd how to navigate stairs safely. That will be far more useful than stairgates...... also your house sounds completely impractical for children to live in, is moving an option if it's going to cause this level of stress ??

Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:21

Wexone · 21/07/2023 10:16

Me and my mum have been teaching her to go down the stairs safely on her bum but she hasn't quite got it yet.
Why not change to me and my husband have been teaching her? You are both her parents and need to be on same page.

Yes, we are both her parents but it's something that is common sense to me and my mum, he's seen us do it with her, but doesn't practice with her the way we do.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 21/07/2023 10:21

I've read all your updates and I still think you greatly overreacted.

She didn't need to go to hospital. She had no signs of injury. You say she had a "head injury" but she didn't, did she? She had a fall and wasn't injured. Tots do that, a lot.

You don't have stair gates yet, you're both responsible for that. Your dh took his eyes off her for a moment. As everyone else is saying, one day that will happen to you. It happens to all parents. Kids have minor accidents. It's just life. Rushing them to hospital every time and blaming yourself or your DH is a waste of time and energy.

I'm sure it's difficult when you're this anxious, but if you react in this extreme way every time she has a minor tumble, you'll transmit your anxiety to your child. You also risk restricting her too much if you are excessively frightened of her having small accidents and start overprotecting her.

Mary28 · 21/07/2023 10:22

I couldn't actually tell you the number of times my kids have bounced down the stairs or off couches. As parents we do our best but accidents happen and lapses happen. It's not like your DH was looking at his phone/TV instead of watching your child. He was doing his best and something unexpected happened. I think you should give him a break.

Chocolateatanyop · 21/07/2023 10:23

Please do not rely solely on stair gates - my toddler fell down the stairs as he decided to swing on one - I’d already taught mine to do stairs safely as we could not have a stair gate at the bottom . He’s now a teen .

Gazelda · 21/07/2023 10:24

OP, I've changed my mind a bit.

From what you say about the amount of parenting and teamwork your DH does, I can understand your frustration and anger.

But I think you need to talk to him about that. If you just focus on the accident, he'll likely accuse you of over reacting or blaming him unfairly (which I did earlier on this thread).

But the real problem is that you feel you're carrying the family and he isn't pulling his weight or contributing. You are tired and resent that his lack of effort has led to an avoidable accident.

I think you need to tell him it's time to step up. Ask your mum to take a back seat for a while, so that he can't claim to be superfluous to requirement because you and she exclude him from his role.

His general attitude is the problem, not this accident which for most other parents would be forgivable.

haggisaggis · 21/07/2023 10:24

If you don't want to carpet the stairs you can buy strips to stick on to make them less slippy (we use them for our dog). Don't look great but may help and are easily removed when you no longer need them.

truthhurts23 · 21/07/2023 10:24

I put Yabu because this was completely preventable, with a stair gate
Your husband needs to be more careful too, does he not look after the baby a lot?

DancingDaisyLdy · 21/07/2023 10:25

I’m glad your DD is ok but as others have mentioned, it’s important you put preventive measures in place for her safety (stair gates) so do that ASAP.

Bitterballen · 21/07/2023 10:26

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:21

Yes, we are both her parents but it's something that is common sense to me and my mum, he's seen us do it with her, but doesn't practice with her the way we do.

Show quote history

This really isn't about a fall down the stairs.

Aren't you conversing with him about the best way to jointly parent your DD?

Why are you expecting your mum to model parenting to him instead of talking to him about it?

Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:28

Yabu. It's an accident. There will be many many more and many that you also have enabled you need stair gates

khaa2091 · 21/07/2023 10:28

I agree that it might be helpful to reflect on how you have reacted to this, as there will inevitably be future incidents.

My then 15 month old found a piece of broken nut in the carpet under the sofa in my parents living room. 2 bronchoscopies, 1 blue light transfer and 4 hospital admissions later we are still dealing with the consequences. There is no point in being angry - could we have anticipated that someone at some point in the past had dropped a nut that had rolled under the sofa that was then missed on vacuuming? I agree mine is an extreme example but things happen.

Bookish88 · 21/07/2023 10:28

It was clearly an accident and despite being preventable could happen to anyone. As PPs have pointed out, at some point it'll happen on your watch too and hopefully your DH won't be an arse about it.

Re stair gates, I absolutely wouldn't go that route unless you absolutely can't avoid it. I've known a couple of families personally where children have had horrific accidents after managing to climb over stair gates at not much older than your DD. Far less risk in teaching her to safely navigate stairs, even if you do have to watch like a hawk until she masters it properly.

oakleaffy · 21/07/2023 10:29

Stair gates.
Or teach a child to use the stairs from a young age.
Little kids bounce, generally.

What is funny is that you put “ Mahogany” stairs.
Pitch pine risers and treads are just as hard!

user1471556818 · 21/07/2023 10:32

Sadly accidents happen glad she is OK. However we all need to reduce risk ie wearing a seat belt so get some stair gates up today

headcheffer · 21/07/2023 10:32

Firstly kids have accidents all the time. My DD fell down the stairs as we were walking down then together at about age 2. I couldn't grab her in time as I had stuff in my arms. It was horrible. My DH rightly asked why I didn't have one arm free to hold her hand and why I wasn't walking down the stairs in front of her which is what we usually did. He was angry at me for a moment which I think I deserved, but then calmed down because accidents happen. I was angry at myself too, but calmed down as... accidents happen. You need to let it go. And you need to get a stair gate.

oakleaffy · 21/07/2023 10:34

Bookish88 · 21/07/2023 10:28

It was clearly an accident and despite being preventable could happen to anyone. As PPs have pointed out, at some point it'll happen on your watch too and hopefully your DH won't be an arse about it.

Re stair gates, I absolutely wouldn't go that route unless you absolutely can't avoid it. I've known a couple of families personally where children have had horrific accidents after managing to climb over stair gates at not much older than your DD. Far less risk in teaching her to safely navigate stairs, even if you do have to watch like a hawk until she masters it properly.

That’s interesting - and really scary!

I never used stair gates and just taught DS to use the stairs safely .

Fbshe · 21/07/2023 10:40

I think stairs are a large risk for toddlers and I that you are getting a lot of grief over nothing here. I would have reacted the same because the risk is always there, it isn’t something that is a surprising accident because it could have been predicted. She shouldn’t have been left unsupervised around them.

WandaWonder · 21/07/2023 10:42

Accidents can happen with any parent, there is no one parent 'better' than another