To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

[user63696369]

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

@user63696369

youre right, pressure fit gates at the top of the stairs are really dangerous.

if I were you, I'd think carefully about putting 8 gates up. She's 15 months. You'd be FAR better off teaching her how to use the stairs safely, especially the ones with only 6 steps.

Stair gates at 15 months, she'll soon be climbing over, opening them etc. which can be worse than not having them.

also you'll (DH anyway) be leaving them open because they're a pain in the arse.

if you put any up, if they have a bar across the bottom,, be very careful where you put them, they're a bloody trip hazard.

the best thing you can do is teach her how to use them safely. Crawl up & crawl backwards down.

Sounds like a modern house if it has open treads and no solid risers - and so many of them.
Stairgates will be a pain if you say you need Eight?

Far better to teach your daughter to use them safely than having to unlatch and close each one whenever you go up or downstairs.

YABU. Fitting stair gates is not hard- do it yourself, no idea why that has to be his job. Accidents happen, on everyone's watch. No idea what you want him to do differently today, did you want him to massively apologise or something? My son almost drowned, on my watch, i turned for a few seconds and within that time, he took of his arm floats and was under. My husband didnt expect anything from me - i was already in a panic afterwards. My husband has also dropped my daughter from the sling, he bent over to pick something up and she fell out - again - accident. It happens OP - dont worry about it too much.

I can understand you're upset and your PTSD is driving your reaction here but honestly, you have to let it go and accept that it was an accident and that accidents can happen on anyone's watch.

Blaming your DH to this level, trying to teach him a lesson and if he's late then tough is going to poison your relationship. You clearly parent MUCH better than he does in your opinion and it'll lead to resentment on both parts and him stepping back because he can't take the criticism anymore. Your disdain for him and his family in your posts isn't even that thinly veiled so I imagine it's abundantly clear to him.

You are both equally responsible for not fitting stairgates. This happened because neither of you made sure stair gates were up but accidents happen....it wasn't on purpose so you need to learn from it, take a deep breath and move on.

Belittling your partner and catastrophising over things that didn't happen on purpose is highly likely to be more damaging to your child in the long run than a bumped head. It sounds like you both need to discuss this calmly and work out a plan for going forwards.

Kindly, saying "kindly" at the start of your post doesn't make it appear any more kind.

Get stairgates, the fact you are having work done is irrelevant. You should have them up already

as to open treads of course you can carpet them

@haggisaggis that's really good to know, thank you - I had no idea something like this existed.

It's really interesting what a few of you are saying about the dangers of stairgates as they get older. I am going to do my best to teach DD how to use the stairs safely, but I think we do also need some further safety measures in place in the meantime. She's still very much in the clumsy, bull in a china shop phase at the moment and I don't think her knowing how to use the stairs would have necessarily prevented yesterday's incident.

I am also going to sit down calmly with DH and discuss what we can do to make sure as far as we can that something like this doesn't happen again. I think we also need a wider conversation around work/mental load/responsibility split. I'm in the process of looking for a new job which will undoubtedly make things even harder for a while and I really need him to step up.

@oakleaffy I only said this to make the point they were solid wooden stairs, not carpeted. Nothing else. I'm a working class west londoner who couldn't give a shiny shit what the stairs are made of, other than in reference to the fact my DD's head was bouncing off of solid wood - not carpet. @Bitterballen we see my parents a couple of times a month. They don't do childcare (apart from the very odd evening, I think 3 times in 15 months) so it's not as if DM is parenting DD or pushing DH out. She rightly pointed out to me that I should teach DD how to do the stairs safely sooner rather than later and had a little practice with her, that's all.

I really do need to crack on with my work now, but thank you all for your replies. I am still very shaken, but grateful my DD is okay and will look to resolve this with DH in the best way possible.

Never ceases to amaze me how low the bar is for men on here. OP is somehow at fault for her dd's accident. You did the right thing taking a 15 month old to a&e too OP especially if you saw how she fell. I knew as soon as I read your OP posters would rush to blame you 😊 take it all with a pinch of salt.
He sounds abit shit @user63696369 , why are you doing that majority in the house when he works far fewer hours? He wouldn't be for me, I prefer a fully functioning adult but he's who you have chosen so unfortunately you need to crack on. Just make sure your dd aims higher for herself when she is older, another girl growing up in a house where dad just mooches around, doing as he pleases while mum is keeping everything going. It's sad.

This is quite minor and was preventable by you as an adult- so massive over reaction and massively unreasonable to be 'fuming' at your husband.

You need to buckle up because you literally won't cope if you react like this for something relatively minor in reality. Almost howling at how you think she could have been killed for rolling down 6 steps. Kids bounce!! I lost count of how many times my twins did something similar at parks.

If this was the husband posting about how his wife treated him, we'd all be saying, she's out of order, leave her! I feel really sorry for your husband and tbh your child - who will be picking up all of this anxiety. Sounds like a toxic environment to me all this blaming.

I got an inkling from him running out into the stairway and swearing so yeah probably feels guilty and upset over daughters fall.
The point is she will have plenty more accidents in her childhood when parents are in attendance.

That's the PTSD speaking. Any parent knows that accidents happen. We can mitigate the big risks, but we can never get it all down to zero - nor should we try, as being over-protective isn't good for children.

I'm still mad about my DH bumping our then newborn's head on the bathroom tiles over three years ago.

Holding on to that level of anger for that long is really not healthy.

@StormWarm

Probably because they couldn't find a solid mahogany stairgate

I can see I’m in the minority, but I completely get it OP. It’s about him making decisions to keep her safe for a brief period of time like you no doubt do all day every day

glad she’s ok x

No way is it acceptable that she fell down the stairs due to her father’s carelessness. YANBU. I’d be fuming too!

Abso bloody lutely! 24/7 with you, and she’s fine. 5 mins with dad and she’s fallen down the stairs! It’s just not good enough

He didn't chuck her down the stairs, she fell. Kids have all kinds of accidents, she'll have more before she's done and some will be on your watch, I guarantee. I wouldn't be happy if my husband reacted like you are here, the whole I parent better than you narrative, nope. Your house sounds completely unsuitable for a toddler anyway, didn't you plan ahead before you bought it? We didn't have children before we bought our house but I'd have never bought somewhere with stairs all over and solid wooden staircases. We've always had gates and our children have still fallen down the stairs several times (we forgot to close the gate), thankfully the stairs are carpeted and with a landing half way so the most they fell is 6 steps.

Babyproof your house and stop with the blaming nonsense.

Unless he was negligent-so not an accident at all-surely he's feeling so shit anyway that he doesn't need any more bashing?

@Bitterballen agree. Why aren't you both being adults and working as a team to parent your child? Your mother is her grandmother not her parent, she is not the one that should be parenting.

YABU for taking an uninjured child to get checked out.

I completely understand why you're upset, but YABU. Accidents happen and this won't be the only tumble your DD has in her infancy. No parent is perfect.

This post says everything I was going to say (except better than me).

Op, you definitely need to sit down and discuss the unfair division of household work, childminding and work hours. Why is only working a few hours a day? If he is meant to be the stay at home parent while you earn the money, he isn't fulfilling his role and needs sacking. He should go back to paid work and you can then employ someone competent and responsible to take care of the household work and child care.

It's really not hard to get a tape measure and measure the gap between the stairs, go onto amazon, argos wherever, search stairgate, select gate correct width and hit order. If you don't want to damage your staircase you can even get a pressure fit one (although I'd not recommend for the top of stairs as they have a lip). You don't need a man for any of this, why is it the man's fault? The man hating on this website is weird.

OP

Sorry it it's been asked already.
Why is he working so many fewer hours than you. And not taking on the bulk of childcare.
It looks to me like he's completely taking advantage of you.