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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

320 replies

user63696369 · 21/07/2023 09:00

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

OP posts:
Serena73 · 21/07/2023 09:54

This exact thing happened to us and we had to rush to a&e. I wasn’t upset with my partner, who was meant to be watching him, just worried. Unfortunately accidents happen when they are little and it only takes a matter of seconds. Nobody is perfect. All was fine. Let it go - imagine how you would feel if it was the other way round (it’s unlikely to be her only accident!) He’ll probably be extra vigilant now anyway.

CoachBeardsJane · 21/07/2023 09:55

I hope he's nicer than you are being when she's injured in your care (an accident) although I get the feeling from your posts if he didnt immediately forgive you, you'd say he was damaging your mental health.

Simonjt · 21/07/2023 09:56

PinkyU · 21/07/2023 09:48

An accident is slipping on a spill or rolling off the sofa (at 15 months) not falling down a flight of stairs!

A 15 month old toddler falling top to bottom on a staircase is not an accident it’s a lack of supervision or neglect.

Our entire staircase has two stairs, the fact you would a toddler falling down these as neglect is actually quite amusing.

KingOfThieves · 21/07/2023 09:56

No I wouldn’t be mad. Everything is fine. It is a hard lesson to learn but ultimately an accident. Having the high horse attitude is not going to help anyway

KingTriton · 21/07/2023 09:57

A lot of men (my own included) are very lax on safety. They just don't seem to be as on the ball us women.

It caused a lot of issues for us when ours was little as I felt I just couldn't trust him. So I took matters into my own hands as much as possible, making the house safer etc.

Ours is older now so I don't have to worry as much, but I still have to remind him about certain things which still pisses me off tbh!

CoachBeardsJane · 21/07/2023 09:57

Oh and because you went to a&e and she's under 2 you'll probably have a chat with your health visitor about this, a&e staff have to refer / tell the child's health visitor about any a&e visits, it's up to them as to whether they call you themselves

AngelAurora · 21/07/2023 09:57

You have an answer for everything don't you OP. You are both at fault for not child proofing the house, and now you are even arguing over how busy you are to put them up.?🙄

wherehastheyeargone · 21/07/2023 09:58

Hi OP

I had the same thing happen with my DH and my son. He was only just toddling and my husband came downstairs with him but he was behind my son. My son toppled and fell down the last 6 stairs. I was particularly raging because just the week before my husband had sent me a video of our son coming down stairs but he took it from the bottom. So, I'd said he still needed to be in front of him coming down as he wasn't stable enough. I still cringe when I think about the thumping noise I heard.

My husband didn't apologise initially and was really on the defensive. But, once the adrenaline had passed and we realised our son was ok he was really remorseful. He felt overwhelmingly bad for what had happened and he didn't know how to process that.

Didn't stop my rage as it was entirely preventable and I'd only just spoken to him about to. But, I had to have a word with myself to let it go. And husband was 100% more vigilant afterwards.

I don't have PTSD or anything but I am super anxious about my sons health and I've received counselling which has helped. I'm too OTT and my husband is too lax so we've met in the middle as our son has got older and im more relaxed now.

Hufflepods · 21/07/2023 09:59

PinkyU · 21/07/2023 09:54

It was top to bottom of this staircase, regardless of how many stairs it has.

Show quote history

And the number of stairs is obviously the most relevant point.

Peony654 · 21/07/2023 10:00

I think you're overreacting, accidents happen and I'm sure he's feeling bad about it. Sounds like she's OK. You should really have a stair gate, take some positive action from this as being furious isn't going to help

FFSwhatisthis · 21/07/2023 10:00

Thedogscollar · 21/07/2023 09:06

Ptsd aside re your dds health and I do hope it is nothing too serious I do think YABU.
Kids have accidents all the time at this age. I guarantee she will have an accident whilst in your care one day. I'd cut your husband a bit of slack on this one, it's not as if he did this on purpose. He sounds as upset as you are.

@Thedogscollar

Does he? Where'd you get that from??

Ihavekids · 21/07/2023 10:00

You're using your PTSD as a reason for being awfully unkind to your other half. It actually sounds like you don't respect him and you don't like him. If you sound like this on here I'd imagine it's coming across that way to him too.

It's next to impossible to watch a toddler 100% of the time.

Glad your toddler is fine, they really are amazingly tough.

Go easy on your other half, you're supposed to love him. This isn't how you treat someone you love.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 21/07/2023 10:03

I think you over reacted. I think you need a stair gate and to teach the child how to use stairs safely. I think if she didn’t show signs of injury you wasted A and E time. I think your “punishment” of dh isn’t consequences it’s revenge and a horrible way to treat your partner.

user1492757084 · 21/07/2023 10:03

You can buy very sturdy stair and door way gates and fire place pens at many large shops that stock car seats, prams and children's needs.
Your husband has learnt by experience and fortunately all ended okay.

Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:04

@millymollymoomoo I didn't say I didn't think I was being unreasonable, am I not allowed to reply to particular points? As always, the handful of posts do not represent the entire situation. I accept that I am being, in the eyes of many, unfair to DH. I know he must feel awful and I don't want him to feel like that and I don't expect any kind of grovelling apology. But I feel the same @PinkyU and I can't change how I feel. I am in sole charge of DD 80% of the time she is at home and nothing even close to this has happened. Because I am extremely careful and I would have behaved entirely differently in this situation. I do expect him to recognise that he could have done things differently and that DD could have been seriously injured.

@AngelAurora unfortunately it isn't that simple, there are multiple ways to get to the stairs and you can't easily fit stairgates to all of them, although I am going to investigate an extra wide one I have found online as that could work. I probably should post a diagram before I'm accused of making it up or finding excuses, but I actually really need to get on with my work.

@AskAgathaIfSheWantsACupOfTea pressure fit stairgates should not be used at the top of the stairs because they are a trip hazard. Extra tall ones are a good shout though.

Me and my mum have been teaching her to go down the stairs safely on her bum but she hasn't quite got it yet. I didn't see the start of the fall, so I can't be sure what she was trying to do, but I wondered if she slipped rather than fell trying to climb down. She was barefoot (no socks indoors due to the hard floor being slippy for her) and she was only wearing a vest, so she couldn't have tripped over clothes. But as I said, I only saw from halfway through the fall.

OP posts:
Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:05

wherehastheyeargone · 21/07/2023 09:58

Hi OP

I had the same thing happen with my DH and my son. He was only just toddling and my husband came downstairs with him but he was behind my son. My son toppled and fell down the last 6 stairs. I was particularly raging because just the week before my husband had sent me a video of our son coming down stairs but he took it from the bottom. So, I'd said he still needed to be in front of him coming down as he wasn't stable enough. I still cringe when I think about the thumping noise I heard.

My husband didn't apologise initially and was really on the defensive. But, once the adrenaline had passed and we realised our son was ok he was really remorseful. He felt overwhelmingly bad for what had happened and he didn't know how to process that.

Didn't stop my rage as it was entirely preventable and I'd only just spoken to him about to. But, I had to have a word with myself to let it go. And husband was 100% more vigilant afterwards.

I don't have PTSD or anything but I am super anxious about my sons health and I've received counselling which has helped. I'm too OTT and my husband is too lax so we've met in the middle as our son has got older and im more relaxed now.

Thank you, this is really helpful and hopefully we will end up the same.

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 21/07/2023 10:10

If it meant my daughter was safe and prevented accident, then get them fitted.

Piccalillii · 21/07/2023 10:10

Blimey - this is not a good environment emotionally for her to grow up in - kids have accidents and make mistakes and that's how they learn. Some kids are far more prone than others, doesn't make us bad parents just means kids are harder to tame!

Please do think about how your attitude to risk and fear of harm may negatively impact her and lead to her having anxiety - I know you're having therapy but this can be more damaging for her than the odd head boink.

SweetStrawberrie · 21/07/2023 10:10

I get the lingering anger OP.

It's probably a lot from your brain thinking over and over what COULD of happened and that's really scary.

Accidents do happen, hopefully this will make your DH a lot more aware of what can happen and how quickly with kids!

Original poster
user63696369 · 21/07/2023 10:10

AngelAurora · 21/07/2023 09:57

You have an answer for everything don't you OP. You are both at fault for not child proofing the house, and now you are even arguing over how busy you are to put them up.?🙄

Okay, I'll just take on the remaining 2% of the mental load that I don't already deal with while DH sits with his feet up, should I? I'm trying to respond to the points PP have raised so that all the information is available, but then you get accused of being argumentative or not agreeing YABU? I've already said (twice) IABU, but I am angry and still shaken up. I don't believe there's anything wrong with saying this could have been prevented and more needs to be done to ensure our DD is safe and that as the person with 90% more free time than me, DH should at least take SOME of the responsibility for that.

OP posts:
notforonesecond · 21/07/2023 10:12

My husbands idea of safety is definitely different to mine but he’s right that you can’t wrap them in cotton wool, and accidents can happen to anyone.

You can’t use it as a stick to beat him with, that’s not a healthy partnership at all. He definitely will feel bad, whether he says it or not, and he doesn’t owe you a big apology about it either way. He’s probably trying to downplay it partly because he does feel bad and partly because he knew you’d overreact so much about it.

Assuming your DD is actually fine, if you’re still fuming at him about it, that’s your issue to deal with.

Hopefully you can both work together to make the house as safe as it can be and keep teaching your DD how to keep herself safe as well.

Zezet · 21/07/2023 10:14

YABU with regard to this accident.

It's not unreasonable to want a fair work load division, but this doesn't have to do with that, and the general unfairness doesn't give you a pass to be unkind about anything you wish randomly.

Lastly, I have no doubt that you are the person most likely to keep her physically safe, but it's also clear your husband is more likely to let her experience things, give her self-confidence and competence, learn her to thrive and not end up with an anxiety disorder. So really you should come off your high horse a bit and be grateful for the ways he counterbalances you when it comes to health and risk specifically.

Thatboymum · 21/07/2023 10:16

I think you are using your ptsd as an excuse to be unkind to a man you have very little positive things to say about and you should read back over your reply’s and reflect. I don’t doubt it was scary but imagine how shit you would feel if it happened in your care and he made you feel the way you are making him feel. The whole I let her sleep in knowing he had a meeting and tuff if he’s late is actually quite narcissistic imo and again if a male was being the way you are it probs wouldn’t be ok. I feel a bit sorry for dh and regardless of how busy you are you could still have made time to get stairgates in instead of delegating the job and watching something that important go undone get up and do it yourself without all the other person blaming you are perfectly capable.
im glad your dd is ok but I think you need to do some reflections

Wexone · 21/07/2023 10:16

Me and my mum have been teaching her to go down the stairs safely on her bum but she hasn't quite got it yet.
Why not change to me and my husband have been teaching her? You are both her parents and need to be on same page.

MrsJBaptiste · 21/07/2023 10:16

What do you do now your DD can climb over stairgates? Genuine question, as a FTM I have no idea how you would deal with this

Well at 18 months, our two could go up and down the stairs without having to be watched all the time. We taught them to climb up safely then come down backwards so the stairgates wouldn't be up for all eternity.