To be furious with DH (toddler accident)

[user63696369]

I am probably ABU, but I'm so angry at DH for what happened last night. NC as I've posted about this elsewhere!

Yesterday evening I asked DH to watch 15 m/o DD while I did a few jobs after her dinner. I was in the utility room when I heard him swear, and came running out into the hallway just in time to see my DD bouncing down a flight of six solid mahogany stairs. She cried straightaway, but seemed okay, although obviously I took her to be checked out (which resulted in a very late night for all of us and I have an absolute tonne of work to do today and I could really do without being completely knackered). I did call 111 first but they didn't call back until around midnight and I didn't want to put her to bed without taking advice, so we were already at the hospital.

I know kids have accidents, but this was completely preventable. He'd left some stuff on the floor she shouldn't have been able to get hold of and in the course of taking it off her and putting it back where it was, she'd run straight out into the hallway and gone flying down the stairs. I never leave doors open when I am watching her for this very reason - I also would have picked her up and relocated the items elsewhere while holding her. I'm always on at him about safety issues and I feel like he never takes me seriously. Well now I am left with the image of her bouncing down the stairs like a ragdoll and I am fucking fuming. She could have been killed or seriously injured.

AIBU to still be absolutely furious at him? He had a 9am meeting this morning but I let DD lie in as she was knackered and told him he could do the nursery drop, fill in the accident form and explain what happened - and if he was late for his meeting, that was his problem.

So as not to drip feed, I have diagnosed PTSD that arises from DD's health.

Open tread stairs can be carpeted if they are made of wood, having all doors shut or a gate on everydoor to me suggests it either likely isn’t a suitable environment for a small toddler. What will you do in a few months when she can climb over stairgates?

Our daughter is around 18 months, even in a slippery footrd babygrow she can easily climb over a stairgate she can also open standard internal doors.

If you want eight stairgates, why haven’t you bought them and put them on?

Zanatdy · Today 09:12
YABU. Toddlers will have accidents and you’re both unreasonable for not installing stair gates or ensuring the stairs are carpeted “

This. You should have one or the other. Accidents happen, it will be your turn one day.

No, I'm perfectly capable of wielding a tape measure and trotting off down to Argos to collect some stairgates. But I work many, many more hours a week than him (even on a p/t basis) in a very stressful job. I'm working evenings, weekends and non-working days, because that's the way my workload is at the moment. Meanwhile he does a couple of hours work a day and doesn't exactly make up for it with keeping on top of household jobs either. I take on 98% of the mental load for the household and he isn't a child. He has eyes, he can see there are stairs and that a toddler lives with us - he should be more than capable of realising it is a safety issue that needs addressing and that I am only one person who already has a lot on their plate.

Why do you need to pay someone to fit stair gates?? They just wedge in to the walls or bannister either side.

I'm not actually sure i would be fitting stair gates at this stage, it'll only be a few months until they become more of a hazard than a help? Definitely teach the toddler how to navigate stairs safely though. This wasn't DHs fault so give him a break, you'll have accidents too and you'll be glad for a bit of compassion when you do.

What would you like me to do, move house? What do you do now your DD can climb over stairgates? Genuine question, as a FTM I have no idea how you would deal with this. See my last reply re the stairgates.

I don't follow why the fact that you have been having work done on the stairs prevented you from getting stairgates?

You can't use pressure fit gates at the top of the stairs!

I'd feel horrified, judged and inadequate if I discovered that my DH felt the way you do when DD had an accident while in my care.

She slipped on wet floor while running away from me next to a swimming pool.

The amount of blood from her mouth was incredible.

We went straight to hospital and got checked out. The kind nurse reassured me that no harm was done and that mouths always bleed huge amounts when cut.

I felt awful and learned to carry her while beside the pool until she could be trusted not to run.

My DH was sympathetic to my upset and DD's injury.

Lesson learned, no harm done, we moved on.

It was an accident OP. I'm sure that your DH will be more mindful in the future. But don't fall out over it, or let him know you don't trust him as a parent. That would be more harmful to your DD than the tumble she had last night.

He has form for trying to carry on as if nothing as happened.

I would say that’s maybe because he’s trying to offset your tendency to catastrophise?

I'm trying to work out how you can work many, many more hours than him, including evenings, weekends etc but somehow rarely has her on his own?

Because I work from home most of the time and I work in the evenings a lot when she is in bed.

I would have carpeted the stairs and had a stairgate on them since the baby was able to crawl. Our home is kind of split level, our living area is open plan but the livingroom bit is three steps higher than the rest and the stairs stretch out, rather than being just standard width, so we had them carpeted as we couldn’t gate them and made sure the floor directly at the bottom was carpeted.

Now she can climb over them they’re all gone, she had also been taught how to go downstairs backwards. Its surprising what they’ll do even when excited, if she is chasing her big brother around and going bonkers she’ll stop, turn around and reverse herself down the steps in the living room.

I don't think he needs to apologise to you. You didn't fall down the stairs.

This is just part of parenting, really. It's pretty common to have one more cautious or risk-averse parent in a pair. I'm sure he will be a lot more aware around the stairs now. But accidents do and will continue to happen because that's just part of having children.

At 2.5 stairgates aren’t the answer. Any able bodied toddler can just climb over them. You need to teach her how to navigate the stairs safely

Why not? I do. I have a couple of normal sized ones in the kitchen, toddler's bedroom and we used to have one by the bottom of our stairs too but ended up taking that off. At the top of the stairs, I have a pressure fitted one, I use stair gate blocks called "wall nannies" as my stairs are weird shape, they work perfectly https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wall-Nanny-Protector-Protect-Doorways/dp/B01N5PTKXS/ref=asc_df_B01N5PTKXS/

This is the stair gate with have at top of stairs: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Hauck-Closen-Stop-Stair-Charcoal/dp/B01LRUXQA2/

My daughter is 3 now and leans on the gate or shakes it, but they've never moved. They're really secure. I do discourage her from leaning, rattling it though.

For anybody with climbing kids, we used to have an extra tall stair gate from Amazon -- designed to stop dogs jumping over, which is why we bought it. It was huge, did the trick!

An accident is slipping on a spill or rolling off the sofa (at 15 months) not falling down a flight of stairs!

A 15 month old toddler falling top to bottom on a staircase is not an accident it’s a lack of supervision or neglect.

It wasn't top to bottom of a staircase though it was a handful of stairs.

If it's the trip hazard aspect of the stairgate at top of stairs, as pressure fit ones have a bar at the bottom, you can get things that fit over them to make them a slope instead of a trip hazard.

I think it’s on both of you actually, you both had equal responsibility to make sure your home is safe by using stair gates to prevent a serious accident like this. Luckily she was fine but I hope you’re already fitting those stair gates.

Put it on the room door then but you need to toddler proof your house

It was an accident, it happens. One day you’ll probably make a mistake too. He probably feels bad enough without you rubbing salt in the wounds too. Parenting is about teamwork, not trying to one up the other parent. Mistakes happen, forgive and move on.

So you ask if you’re being unreasonable
nearly everyone says yes you are
but you still don’t think you are. Right

btw you are being unreasonable to expect your dh yo give grovelling apologies. It was an accident, one that hopefully you can both put things in place to prevent but with the best will in the world accidents will still happen!

it will also help teach your child to be careful even at that young age

You could have measured them in the time it's taken to post about this on here. It's unfortunate you have PTSD and its good you're getting support for this because its no doubt clouding your judgement. It doesn't sound like he's negligent and being annoyed at him isn't going to achieve anything- I'm sure he has learnt a lesson and your DD is absolutely fine isn't she. If she had an accident in your care how would you feel if you already no doubt felt bad about it but he kept suggesting it was your fault and made you feel bad about it?

It was top to bottom of this staircase, regardless of how many stairs it has.