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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been annoyed at this? Kids throwing themselves at the window

279 replies

britneyfears · 20/07/2023 16:15

DH is on annual leave. I'm working from home.

We have an office at the end of our garden - a converted shed with a large window and door. I have said all day that I have a big meeting at 3pm where I am giving a presentation to many people outside of my company. I have told DH this many times that I really need to be left alone from 2.30 - 3.30 at least today.

Half way through presentation I see two naked children (they are 1 and 3) running up the garden chasing one another. They are laughing and shouting. I keep my concentration. They then fling themselves up against the window, knocking on the door, shouting 'mummy mummy mummy' so loudly. SO LOUD. Loud enough so people were starting to look confused.

I start stammering, looking at the door, losing my place entirely, words getting jumbled up - - I'm hoping DH is going to get them & I can style it out. After a few mins - I have to apologise and ask for 2 mins turn off my camera and microphone.

DH then appears. Slowly walking up the garden.

As he scoops them up - I mouth 'fuck off' at him. I can't actually remember mouthing that. I mouthed something and kind of flailed my arms around to get him to take the kids back to the house.

I go back to presentation. My boss looks pissed off. Everyone else looks sympathetic.

My DH is now not talking to me as he says I'm bang out of order and shouldn't mouth fuck off at him and it#s "not nice". I didn't even have a go at him, just in the heat of the moment, with around a hundred people waiting for me to continue my presentation - I was trying to express a sense of urgency!

AIBU to have mouthed fuck off. Or is that an fairly understandable reaction to the situation.

OP posts:
Backstreets · 11/08/2023 19:59

britneyfears · 11/08/2023 19:57

He certainly enjoys the money from my job. That is for sure. He tells me "isn't this what feminists dream about" when I'm still working at the kitchen table at 10pm and he's scratching his balls on the sofa.

What a prick. Sorry. But ugh. Gross

Scentedrose · 11/08/2023 20:00

Sauvblanctime · 20/07/2023 16:32

This

Show quote history

Not this

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 20:05

Backstreets · 11/08/2023 19:59

What a prick. Sorry. But ugh. Gross

Show quote history

An insecure, uncouth Oik.

Cringe.

At least you know and don't have to spend the next 20 years wondering WTF?

He is too vicious to be fixed.

Get organised to get out.

Stay posting.

Work2live · 11/08/2023 20:13

I will get a lock for the door. That's the only thing I can do. And go into the office more.

There is something else you could do OP. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this, but honestly, I would leave. I know it's not that easy, but he's completely disrespecting you.

I'm really quite shocked reading this.

TaigaSno · 11/08/2023 20:15

britneyfears · 11/08/2023 19:57

He certainly enjoys the money from my job. That is for sure. He tells me "isn't this what feminists dream about" when I'm still working at the kitchen table at 10pm and he's scratching his balls on the sofa.

He sounds like an ignorant arrogant arse.
You deserve a lot better than this. He obviously doesn't respect or appreciate you.
I appreciate it's difficult with small children but I honestly couldn't spend my life with someone who treats me like that.

SunRainStorm · 11/08/2023 20:27

britneyfears · 11/08/2023 19:57

He certainly enjoys the money from my job. That is for sure. He tells me "isn't this what feminists dream about" when I'm still working at the kitchen table at 10pm and he's scratching his balls on the sofa.

What a prick.

mainbrochus · 11/08/2023 20:28

Long term if you are married them won’t he get half the money…. And half the custody?

maybe time to have a conversation with women’s aid, and get a solitior’s appointment. Make some long term plans that suit you.

Also a lock and blinds for the garden office.

SunRainStorm · 11/08/2023 20:30

Typical 'modern' man who enjoys your higher income but reserves the right to resent you for earning it.

Hibiscrubbed · 11/08/2023 20:31

britneyfears · 11/08/2023 19:57

He certainly enjoys the money from my job. That is for sure. He tells me "isn't this what feminists dream about" when I'm still working at the kitchen table at 10pm and he's scratching his balls on the sofa.

He is disgusting. Set him on fire. Utter cunt.

Original poster
britneyfears · 11/08/2023 20:52

mainbrochus · 11/08/2023 20:28

Long term if you are married them won’t he get half the money…. And half the custody?

maybe time to have a conversation with women’s aid, and get a solitior’s appointment. Make some long term plans that suit you.

Also a lock and blinds for the garden office.

Indeed he will.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/08/2023 22:37

Urghhh he's such an asshole.

You're too intelligent to be with this immature loser.

Sunsetandsunrise · 12/08/2023 05:56

Op, sorry to hear that many of us have were correct in our suspicion that he was out to sabotage or undermine your career. I wish he had proven us wrong but the signs were very clear and it’s easier for us as outsiders to see. He actually sounds vile with his comment about this being the feminist dream.

I can’t stand a sexist pig but I especially can’t tolerate the ones who are not even true to their own traditional beliefs and cherry pick by simultaneously resenting women who are earning more while benefitting from it.

At least a more principled sexist man wouldn’t have went for a career woman and instead got himself a SAHM and made sure he earned enough to provide for both. There are at least arguably some benefits to this kind of man.

The type of man you describe your husband as is , in my eyes, bottom of the barrel and offers the worst of both worlds.

NeedToChangeName · 12/08/2023 07:14

OP, that's not good at all

It's unfair for a WFH partner to insist on silence at all times, but for an important 1hr presentation, he absolutely should have prevented the kids from coming near you

And his comment about your idiot colleague being in love with you is even worse. Deliberately undermining you

I'm not sure what the solution is. But agree with PP that is undermining you and it stems from lack of respect

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 09:35

The OP works in an office space at the end of her garden, of course she is entitled to peace in her space.

The very reason for such a space to be separate to her house.

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2023 15:08

How about blinds and an internal lock on the door. Just to limit access.

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:56

I can’t stand a sexist pig but I especially can’t tolerate the ones who are not even true to their own traditional beliefs and cherry pick by simultaneously resenting women who are earning more while benefitting from it.
I agree with this. The cherry picking sexist pigs are the worst. Like the men who are 'traditional' when it comes to them controlling the purse strings, wanting their partners/wives to give up their independence and financial security, and traditional when it comes to men doing very little around the house or with the children. Bizarrely though, they're fine with sex outside of marriage, happy to have children ot of marriage, don't want to trouble themselves with legally protecting their partner.

It's funny how often the so called traditional men only like the traditions when it suits them and they're super progressive when it suits them.

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 18:17

LolaSmiles · 12/08/2023 16:56

I can’t stand a sexist pig but I especially can’t tolerate the ones who are not even true to their own traditional beliefs and cherry pick by simultaneously resenting women who are earning more while benefitting from it.
I agree with this. The cherry picking sexist pigs are the worst. Like the men who are 'traditional' when it comes to them controlling the purse strings, wanting their partners/wives to give up their independence and financial security, and traditional when it comes to men doing very little around the house or with the children. Bizarrely though, they're fine with sex outside of marriage, happy to have children ot of marriage, don't want to trouble themselves with legally protecting their partner.

It's funny how often the so called traditional men only like the traditions when it suits them and they're super progressive when it suits them.

Excellent post.

I associate the term "traditional man" for being another description for "selfish, lazy CF who insists on his own" #avoidatallcosts

Sunsetandsunrise · 12/08/2023 19:34

“It's funny how often the so called traditional men only like the traditions when it suits them and they're super progressive when it suits them.”

Yep! Young women and girls of this generation really need to be taught about what modern sexism looks like, so they can stay the heck away from these men or at least know what they’re signing up to.

There was dating show I used to watch where the host interviews people looking for love . I’d cringe at all the men who have children to multiple women they’ve never married yet insist they want a “traditional woman” who is “submissive” and they often even give a minimum salary that she must make. So she must take care of the home, work full-time…plus help pay for your other children 🙄

Red0 · 12/08/2023 22:51

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2023 15:08

How about blinds and an internal lock on the door. Just to limit access.

I’m not saying this isn’t a good idea, because it is. But the fact that this is something the OP needs to consider/implement to stop her DH behaving like such as asshole is so bloody stupid.

GoldenSpangles · 13/08/2023 08:52

I would be getting out. He is a loose cannon. The next time he might get you fired. I hope your colleague didn't hear but even if he did he obviously isn't going to refer to it. I can't see that your DH is going to be taking a great deal of custody. Yes, it's going to cost you money but the longer you wait the more it is going to cost in things like pensions. Frankly, my stomach would churn at the thought of ever having sex with him again.

My husband, a scientist, did earn less than me, a solicitor. On the day I was being grilled for a day in the High Court he got up early to get me substantial breakfast to sustain me through the cross examination. He was never ever less than helpful and supportive. So not all men who earn less are saboteurs.

itsgettingweird · 13/08/2023 09:02

britneyfears · 20/07/2023 16:26

he also said something like "i knew you had a thing at 3pm but i didn't know it was that fucking serious" - honestly, it;s like i'm talking to a brick wall sometimes.

Oh so he not only doesn't he value you - he doesn't value your work which brings money into the family either?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2023 10:53

He's escalating.

Letting the boys loose was, essentially, passive. He didn't have to do anything. It was all about not doing - not locking the back door, not telling the boys not to run to your office, not running to stop them - a whole load of 'not's.

Now, he's being active.

  • bringing the boys at exactly 5pm (to tell you work's over and to start your 'proper job' of mothering)
  • shouting to embarrass you and your colleague

It's a gear change. He's actively trying to make you look bad to your employer - making it look as if you're a clockwatcher (finishing on the dot), implying it's you that's interested in your colleague, just all round trying to make you look unprofessional.

He is escalating, his next stunt will be even bigger and you probably won't be able to cover it up. As it is, I'd be surprised if your colleague isn't wondering what the fuck is going on with your husband. So - are you going to sit and wait for the next stunt, or take action now and try to de-escalate him / head him off at the pass?

I think I'd put the fucking frighteners on him. Pretend you're thinking of jacking it in and he can become the sole breadwinner. Tell him he'll have to step up his earnings, do overtime etc. but that'll not be enough to meet the mortgage and the bills, so you might have to leave your home and move into smaller or rented.

If he asks why, lie. 'You are clearly unhappy about my working, I can see that from the last couple of weeks - and YOUR happiness is more important to me than the job.' Paint him into the corner he has chosen to stand in. Then keep talking money.

Watch his reaction. If he is pleased, you KNOW for definite that he's trying to sabotage your job. Then you know you have to get rid. Sorry, but you do.

If he isn't pleased, and start saying the family can't afford for you to not work, then turn it back on him. 'But you've been so clear you don't want me working, pulling those stunts in front of my boss and colleague. You think I'm having an affair!' It might be that he still wants you working, but in a 'little' job. Keep saying he'll still have to work harder to make up the shortfall.

You've said several times, he likes the money you earn. He will not be keen to think of the drop in income, so I think it is more likely he will backtrack. He wants you earning, he doesn't want you to be happy earning. He want's you to 'know your place', which is as his inferior. Never forget that.

I'd start preparing for divorce, because this isn't going to go away. This is about HIS attitude, which won't change. You'd spend the rest of your marriage on eggshells, waiting for his next stunt, putting all your energy into prevention (door locks, blinds, not telling him stuff, etc.). That's no way to live. :(

billy1966 · 13/08/2023 10:59

GoldenSpangles · 13/08/2023 08:52

I would be getting out. He is a loose cannon. The next time he might get you fired. I hope your colleague didn't hear but even if he did he obviously isn't going to refer to it. I can't see that your DH is going to be taking a great deal of custody. Yes, it's going to cost you money but the longer you wait the more it is going to cost in things like pensions. Frankly, my stomach would churn at the thought of ever having sex with him again.

My husband, a scientist, did earn less than me, a solicitor. On the day I was being grilled for a day in the High Court he got up early to get me substantial breakfast to sustain me through the cross examination. He was never ever less than helpful and supportive. So not all men who earn less are saboteurs.

I agree.

These situations only ever go one way.

He's an insecure oik and the sooner the OP realises this and protects herself and her career the better.

Unfortunately this type of insecure oik is just the type to escalate to a shove and a slap, which would be all her fault.

I really hope she doesn't bury her head in the sand and pretends this isn't happening, and quietly gets herself organised.

FictionalCharacter · 13/08/2023 12:50

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2023 15:08

How about blinds and an internal lock on the door. Just to limit access.

OP has said she'll get a lock. But blinds and locks won't fix this. He can still let the kids out to throw themselves at the window and shout mummy mummy mummy. He could bang on the door and yell. He's already shouted "I bet that idiot's in love with you" when she was on a call. A lock won't stop that.
I agree with PPs that he's escalating and this is a very serious situation.

soosal · 05/02/2024 03:58

Definitely a reasonable response. Mild even.