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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been annoyed at this? Kids throwing themselves at the window

279 replies

britneyfears · 20/07/2023 16:15

DH is on annual leave. I'm working from home.

We have an office at the end of our garden - a converted shed with a large window and door. I have said all day that I have a big meeting at 3pm where I am giving a presentation to many people outside of my company. I have told DH this many times that I really need to be left alone from 2.30 - 3.30 at least today.

Half way through presentation I see two naked children (they are 1 and 3) running up the garden chasing one another. They are laughing and shouting. I keep my concentration. They then fling themselves up against the window, knocking on the door, shouting 'mummy mummy mummy' so loudly. SO LOUD. Loud enough so people were starting to look confused.

I start stammering, looking at the door, losing my place entirely, words getting jumbled up - - I'm hoping DH is going to get them & I can style it out. After a few mins - I have to apologise and ask for 2 mins turn off my camera and microphone.

DH then appears. Slowly walking up the garden.

As he scoops them up - I mouth 'fuck off' at him. I can't actually remember mouthing that. I mouthed something and kind of flailed my arms around to get him to take the kids back to the house.

I go back to presentation. My boss looks pissed off. Everyone else looks sympathetic.

My DH is now not talking to me as he says I'm bang out of order and shouldn't mouth fuck off at him and it#s "not nice". I didn't even have a go at him, just in the heat of the moment, with around a hundred people waiting for me to continue my presentation - I was trying to express a sense of urgency!

AIBU to have mouthed fuck off. Or is that an fairly understandable reaction to the situation.

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 10/08/2023 22:46

+1 really sad to read.

Is rhere anyway you can work from the office more.

I do 9-5 then do an hour or 2 after they are asleep.

LolaSmiles · 10/08/2023 22:49

Your most recent update is deeply concerning OP.

It sounds like he doesn't value your career and feels threatened that you're having a range of professional and respectful interactions.

The poster up thread, Billy I think, made some excellent points.

LobsterCrab · 10/08/2023 22:51

At least your eyes have been opened now OP.

Clymene · 10/08/2023 22:54

I'm so sorry @britneyfears. I'm not surprised because last time was clearly premeditated and deliberate.

What an absolute shit.

What do you think you'll do? Do you have friends/family you can confide in?

Letsgocamping67 · 10/08/2023 23:00

Definitely start locking the door in future to stop him barging in. I’d be reading him the riot act at this.

EvilElsa · 10/08/2023 23:04

I'm sorry to read your update OP. It does definitely sound like he has issues with your career. I'd have absolutely lost my shit at him shouting that about your colleague. Not only is it potentially career damaging, it's controlling, immature, mean and deeply unattractive. I'd be struggling to maintain a relationship with someone who did that to me.
What do you want to do OP? While you make your decisions, I'd be making sure I was in a locked/wedged shut room while working with headphones on, or I'd be working away from the home. He clearly can't control himself with you there.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/08/2023 23:06

Your husband is an immature, disrespectful, sabotaging shit.

I couldn't stay with someone like that. He needs to get to fuck.

billy1966 · 10/08/2023 23:06

britneyfears · 10/08/2023 22:39

For all the people saying its a sign my DH is trying to sabotage or disrespect my job in some way....I think you must be right

Today not only did him and the kids come in at 5pm on the dot while I was in a pretty serious conversation with someone I manage...storming in...I quickly said to the (male) colleague "oh sorry for all the sudden noise, I've got to go" etc even though colleague was half way through a very serious concern with a project...but then DH shouted "i bet that idiot is in love with you" barely seconds before I hung up the teams call. I've been so stressed the colleague heard but he sent me a v normal sounding email later so think all fine...but fuck. Not good at all.

Now you know.

You need to start getting organised.

Copies of all finances copied.
Legal advice.
Confide in family and friends that you need support.
Call Womens aid.

This is a really ugly man that absolutely neither cares for you, nor wants the best for you, and means your career harm.

Take this very seriously.

Someone with such anger and insecurity is capable of hurting you.

Do not trust him at all.

Keep your cards close to your chest as you seek out support.

I am so sorry.
This is devastating for you.

I would be looking to return to the office if possible and you can always say it has been requested.

You need to take your protection very seriously.

billy1966 · 10/08/2023 23:11

Can you lock your door and get noise cancelling headphones to help?

You do realise that trying to screw with your job is coercive control?, which is now a crime?

Original poster
britneyfears · 10/08/2023 23:25

I could not believe DH nearly put me in that position. He did not know I had managed to hang up the call. He shouted it couple of seconds after I made my apologies. The colleague is a happily married man that I recently have started to line manage. If he'd heard I honestly don't know what I would have done.

Thank you @billy1966 and others. I feel very sad tonight as my brain is trying to rationalise things but there is no excuse really for that. He then asked later if I'm having an affair with this man

I got irritated then with him and he now says he was mucking about

I will get a lock for the door. That's the only thing I can do. And go into the office more.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 10/08/2023 23:27

Go into the office all the time.
And speak to women's aid - as per the other poster above this is coercive control.

Your husband is abusive.

SeulementUneFois · 10/08/2023 23:29

Also : if you have other people you get onto with - Family, sister, mother, friends.
Start telling them about it.

It's wonderful how lifting the veil of silence over behaviour like this does for your perspective.
You'll be confirmed to be right but also you will gain hope that you can escape rather than be trapped.

EvilElsa · 10/08/2023 23:32

I feel for you OP. It's a lot to deal with. I hope you have people to talk to in "real life" as well. You don't need to put up with this shit -please look after yourself and don't let yourself be manipulated into thinking this is your fault (because I'd put money on that being his next move).

Lieslies · 10/08/2023 23:51

Sounds familiar to me. Ex had a manual job, I have a professional job and WFH.

I could never quite decide what was behind his disrespect for my role (like your faffing about on email) that led to his sabotaging behaviour at times (interrupting meetings).

Whether it was deliberate to cause me problems, or having a chip on his shoulder about our different work lives, or just being too thick to understand my work environment was very different to his and actions his colleagues would find funny weren't appropriate for mine, I still can't tell you.

He liked spending the money I earned no problem with that.

But it was deliberate disrespect. As is your situation.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/08/2023 23:59

Oh bugger. Definitely deliberate sabotage isn't it. How bloody petty. I'm sorry.

Clymene · 11/08/2023 00:00

britneyfears · 10/08/2023 23:25

I could not believe DH nearly put me in that position. He did not know I had managed to hang up the call. He shouted it couple of seconds after I made my apologies. The colleague is a happily married man that I recently have started to line manage. If he'd heard I honestly don't know what I would have done.

Thank you @billy1966 and others. I feel very sad tonight as my brain is trying to rationalise things but there is no excuse really for that. He then asked later if I'm having an affair with this man

I got irritated then with him and he now says he was mucking about

I will get a lock for the door. That's the only thing I can do. And go into the office more.

I'm so sorry. It must be a total headfuck. Do you think he feels he's losing control somewhere/somehow? It does feel like he's ramping it up

billy1966 · 11/08/2023 00:07

Hard and all as this is to compute, it is critical that you reach out to Women's aid.

Their independence and experience will be invaluable to advise and support you.

Please read up about men sabotaging careers, abusive controlling men and coercive control.

The more you educate yourself, the more I bet the dots will join themselves.

We are here for you.

Whatifitallgoesright · 11/08/2023 05:41

I would make sure I got a lock or bolts sorted when he's not around and without telling him. His reaction to this will tell you a lot. If he's angry you've done it then he's clearly pissed off that you've scuppered his sabotage plans. A normal reaction would be shame that it had come to this and many apologies.

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 11:01

what a dick. ask what he would do if u took the kids to his work naked during a meeting with his boss and had them run up shouting daddy daddy.
sounds deliberate to me. poor daddy was needing some attention.

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 11:08

crazeekat · 11/08/2023 11:01

what a dick. ask what he would do if u took the kids to his work naked during a meeting with his boss and had them run up shouting daddy daddy.
sounds deliberate to me. poor daddy was needing some attention.

sorry just seeing this is an older post but ur update is really sad. your hubby is jealous of you and your job. he is disrespectful af and doesn't give a shit about the positions he is putting you in. it's totally deliberate.

jeaux90 · 11/08/2023 11:14

JFC OP. Im senior at work and also a lone parent and I can tell you my life is a lot less stressful than having a saboteur as a partner.

I'd be reading the riot act to him to be honest.

I'd also be working in the office more in the interim whilst you decide what to do, he is going to damage your career.

UnfunnyJester · 11/08/2023 11:22

He's really trying to put you in your place, isn't he?
Happy to have your money, but don't forget that he's still the man.

Newestname002 · 11/08/2023 15:48

@britneyfears

OP as it looks like working in your garden office is being sabotaged on purpose and, if commuting into your office every day is inconvenient, maybe you could consider renting a professional serviced office within a short drive of your home so you can make the best of your time to comfortably focus on your job without much commute time but still close to home. Why not take a look at this as a possible solution in the short/medium term?🌹

FictionalCharacter · 11/08/2023 16:04

From your updates his behaviour is extremely worrying. It was already clear that he was trying to sabotage your work. But shouting that your colleague is in love with you and accusing you of having an affair is on another level.

Putting a lock on the door won't solve this. He could still let the kids throw themselves at the window (I'm now suspecting he encouraged them in a "go and see mummy" kind of way). He could bang on the door and shout while you're on a call. He might decide that the lock on the door is proof of your affair.

This is a serious situation and if you're going to stay in the marriage and continue WFH, a lot needs to change, and you'll need professional help.

Original poster
britneyfears · 11/08/2023 19:57

He certainly enjoys the money from my job. That is for sure. He tells me "isn't this what feminists dream about" when I'm still working at the kitchen table at 10pm and he's scratching his balls on the sofa.

OP posts: