Life has to be perfect for us to marry

[Magneticlotus]

Dp and I have been engaged now for nearly two years. So I wanted to start discussing potentional planning, all still very rough.

This made dp announce that he didn't want to get married till everything in life was perfect as he wanted our marriage to be symbolic over turning over a new leaf when all our hardships are fleshed out. On one hand I understand what he is saying as our situation in life is less than idealic right now, but on the other hand part of me thinks people get married when they have nothing simply because they love each other. A wedding can bring happiness instead of just waiting for everything around us to align and bring happiness.

I'm starting to think dp doesn't truly love me, I know this may seem a stretch but this mentaliy just feels wrong (or maybe I'm just an unrealistic hopeless romantic). We've been together long enough have. Have a child together. I can't not shake this feeling that this is a reflection of US as a couple rather than life's predicements around us.

Aibu?

One of my friends had this - he kept stringing her along, at one point they even booked a wedding and she bought a dress, then he left her because they wanted different things. Id be very wary of someone acting like this tbh

But the whole point of marriage to me really is saying that regardless of all the stuff life throws at you, you are together, a team. We got married with 6 weeks notice and very little fanfare or budget. 10 days before we married I had a late miscarriage. It was a surprise baby and our daughter was not quite 1, we went ahead with the wedding because in some ways it meant even more to have us official. The few months after we married were hard because of life but the whole being married thing was just us formalising what we already were. United. We have three family members with serious illnesses just now, one of which is early on set alzheimers. We have work and kids and broken parts of our house. I have chronic back pain but neither if us ever regret getting married in the midst of our chaotic lives because we make sense even when nothing else does. We've been married for over 6 years, together for 12 years. Life will continue to be chaotic and messy.

Completely agree.

So many women, sahm, not married, living in a partners house for years, no income, turfed out onto the street.

Unbelievable.

It's like the world has moved on in so many ways but a section of women are determined to self sabotage and make life as hard as possible for themselves.

To ensure they and their children have zero protections.

Being a careerless sahm is absolute madness these days, even more so if you haven't the protections of marriage.

I'm nearly 60 and don't know a single person that did it this way.

I haven't a single niece or nephew doing this.

All follow the path of career, marriage and children.
They know it is in their interests to do this.

Women often lose so much by having children.

They really should teach this stuff in schools.
Might make some of them re think their contraception.

I would be more concerned about the practicalities & benefits of the marraige than the wedding itself.

Tell him that's your concern snd that at a minimum you want to see a solicitor and put wills in place re any life cover, pensions, inheritance, death in service benefits, guardianship etc. if anything where to happen to either of you etc.

If he's open to that I wouldn't be concerned about his commitment but I would of hr refuses to to do that too.

I’m actually with him on this.

You have no home of your own, and are living with one or other set of parents.

You don’t have settled careers (which implies not much earning power, and you estimate a long period before this is the case for you).

You are focusing on saving money to get a place to live.

He has debt.

You are jointly responsible for a baby.

You sound very young and idealistic. I think your priority should be getting your living situation sorted so you can live together like adults - even if that means renting a one-bed flat for now. It doesn’t sound like either of you has had to do much adulting so far. This should be the time to try it. You haven’t waited for marriage before having a child, so there is really no rush now - you are tied to each other for at least 18 years anyway.

DH proposed to me last August and we started planning straight away , we are well off and we could only afford a small wedding , we have children between us from previous relationships and both my parents have cancer so eloping wasn’t an option as I wanted them all there .
we found a small , pretty venue .. had an afternoon wedding.. dressed the venue ourselves and had afternoon tea on the day (we got married in April ) . It was unfussy yet lovely and it was a perfect day for us .
DH was adamant that he saw no point in proposing unless we were actually going to get married , I’ve no doubt that if I’d then put the brakes on and made excuses to put getting married off, he’d have been very upset and questioned our relationship.
Im afraid I feel that your DP is making excuses , there’s never a “good” time to get married , getting married doesn’t change your life situation . Except .. you are now married and I do think he’s stringing you along with little intention to follow this through I’m afraid .

They don't think about that stuff because they don't want to think about that stuff. A lot of women are driven by their desire/need to be in a relationship, which often means they'll put their heads in the sand and settle for shit men and shit setups. Then they'll follow their desire to have children, with these shit men in these shit setups, and just hope everything will be ok.

You could teach this stuff in school, but it won't make a difference really. This information is available to everyone, yet it doesn't stop grown women who should have more sense from taking the same risk time after time. You only need to look at MN to see that.

People are driven by desire rather than wisdom.

Aigghh this is so muddled

How old is @Magneticlotus and her partner
Is there a child?
Are they living at a parents house?
How long have they been together?

I can't get it all straight to advise

Yes - I too have seen this many times.

@BadNomad no doubt for some you are correct.

Perhaps less likely for ambitious girls that see university and a good career as a natural part of their trajectory and hard nosed mothers like ME, that spell it out to them that good contraception is a fundamental requirement as well as condoms for STI's.

So important not to presume they know stuff.

Better to have the explicit conversation and be sure.

@justasking111 you can select only OPs posts to read.
dating for 5yrs, have a kid, live together, struggling financially, boyfriend has debts.

From the OPs posts they’ve been together 5 years, have one child together and are living with family while they save up for their own place. Not sure how old they are, I think this is quite relevant actually.

@HeidiUpTheMountain what a depressing unromantic viewpoint of life.

@TeamSleep coming into late twenties.

I don't see what my job has to do with my marriage, or why I need to figure out what it is I want to do with my life before I get married. Does it make me irresponsible for wanting a commitment before having an established career? I already work.

YANBU; he’s being ridiculous. Nothing is perfect. Marriage isn’t a solution to a difficult relationship, and problems don’t just disappear

Yes. I find ambitious women are less likely to find themselves in these situations. Not at a young age anyway. It's usually later on when they've got the career, the house, and they think everything is perfect for a baby and marriage isn't necessary because their long-term partner won't screw them over surely...

Those are the ones who really regret not being married when it all falls apart.

An engagement is a promise. He promised, now he's changed his mind. Give him back his fucking ring and tell him to have a think about what he really wants. Shit or get off the pot.

He was perfectly happy to have a baby without marriage because, let's face it, the brunt of having the baby and taking care of the baby and the career hit because of the baby will be borne by you. But marriage has legal and financial ramifications - it means you would have the right to half of any marital house and savings and investments if you split, and that's a risk he won't take.

He's using you, and his approach here has nothing to do with the fact that this is his first relationship. That didn't stop him having a baby, after all. It's pure 'have your cake and eat it too' on his part. Another saying that is serving as his life motto is 'why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free'.

'turning over a new leaf' is an odd way for him to phrase it, it means 'to make a fresh start and change your previously bad behaviour for the better.

He doesn't have any actual point or goal in mind. He's being vague; 'better' doesn't mean anything. He isn't saying 'lets get financially secure' or 'lets get our own place and pay off X percent of the mortgage'.

YYY to what StellaJohanna posted.

You are dealing with a man who is not willing to give you the legal protection accorded to married mothers.

I think you said you don’t have a relationship with your family so are you living with his parents? Has either of you ever lived independently? Late 20s is a lot older than I’d presumed were are. How much have you managed to save to get your own place? Are the savings in your name or joint?

I think marriage might be a red herring tbh as if you’re living with his family and don’t earn enough to support yourself and your child you’re in an incredibly vulnerable place. I’d focus on that, not fantasies about weddings.

You’re not even sure he loves you. That he settled for you because you got pregnant. That’s so sad.

YANBU and I think this means you need to accept that he's not actually that into you and you should start building your plans for life without him.

Marriage is not a triumphant finish line for celebrating that you have won at life, it's a start line that from here on in, you are a team and will have each other's backs throughout the trouble ahead. The very idea that you wait until there won't be trouble ahead is laughable. There is always trouble ahead. But you don't want to face that shackled to someone with that kind of attitude.

He was perfectly happy to have a baby without marriage

She’d said nothing to suggest he was at all. The baby wasn’t planned and he said they’d find a way to make it work. Which is completely different.

She on the other hand didn’t push for marriage after finding out she was pregnant.

Hardly. It’s very difficult to have a romantic relationship when you are living with your parents. You sound like you want to be a princess for a day, and aren’t thinking about the fact that when you come home from your wedding, he can’t carry you over the threshold and ravish you in every room in the house, because your parents will be there, in their home, and might not be best pleased.

We married when we were still renting, not yet having bought a house, but both earning enough to support ourselves as independent adults. It was very romantic. We have stayed married for twenty years, through lots of hard times, and love each other deeply. But neither of us would have suggested marrying until we could support ourselves properly.

And one other thing - you are responsible for a child, not just yourselves. You can’t have an idealistic, romantic view of life unless it also figures a secure future for your child. Fine to be barefoot but happy if that’s your own choice, but you have to be hard headed for the sake of the person you made, who didn’t have that choice.