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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be dying of shame

282 replies

threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 20:09

I very much want this to be lighthearted as it really burns right now but am hoping to see the funny side (in about 50 years maybe).

We had our primary school visit this morning. It was early, but I work early so I handed over this task to DH, who is on holiday from work. It's our oldest child so we didn't know what to expect.

We had tidied up the main areas of the house and dumped all the clean (not even slightly sorted or folded) laundry in mine and DH's room for him to deal with later in the day.

During the visit, DH was apparently pinned to the floor with a billion random questions by one member of staff. During this, DS (3) took the other member of staff (his class teacher) upstairs to show them his toys in his bedroom. Only, while he was up there, he decided he actually wanted to show her his Beatrix Potter books. Which were in mine and DH's room as we have two children in a 2 bed house and the toddler keeps the three-year-old awake some nights so last night I'd read DS his bedtime story in our room before moving him into his own bed to sleep.

DS proudly brought his teacher into our room to get the Beatrix Potter books. I found this out when I got home from work and he and DH told me all about it. The door to our room was wide open, and right on the other side of the door was a massive white pair of my biggest knickers on top of a dark blue dress (for maximum contrast and embarrassment obviously).

Other highlights visible immediately from the door were two packets of "extra absorbent" sanitary towels and my underwear drawer was left wide open from where I had to find a last minute pair of socks this morning as I was very late and forgot to close it. It generally looked a total shit tip. The bed wasn't made either and the curtains are a Minnie Mouse blanket draped over the curtain rail as we only recently moved in. There were also a couple of random packing boxes on the floor, buried in laundry.

I am dying of shame and obviously now need to move to Saturn and change the child's school immediately because I can never, ever look his class teacher in the eye after this. I also can't believe she went upstairs with a three-year-old instead of politely refusing. She's probably traumatised by my giant knickers.

Tell me you've managed something worse. Or as a teacher that this isn't going to be talked about up and down the staff room. I am so embarrassed and trying my best to see the funny side.

OP posts:
Original poster
threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 22:44

@AdvertisementBreak OP, the teachers saw a loved and happy little boy who is enthusiastic about books. Perfect!
Thanks, I really hope that's what they took from it. I'm trying my hardest not to take the whole thing personally (and failing a bit, hence trying to see the funny side. It's really touched a nerve and I don't like how defensive this debacle has made me).

OP posts:
AdvertisementBreak · 19/07/2023 22:45

As a doctor, I would never enter any
room on a planned visit to someone’s house without permission.

grunttheterrible · 19/07/2023 22:47

Most women wear pants and menstruate. Are you serious?

takealettermsjones · 19/07/2023 22:47

Ooof lots of replies 🤣 maybe it depends on the local authority but none of my nephews/nieces/godchildren ever had a home visit! (Going back 16 years) 😕

MrsPositivity1 · 19/07/2023 22:50

threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 20:09

I very much want this to be lighthearted as it really burns right now but am hoping to see the funny side (in about 50 years maybe).

We had our primary school visit this morning. It was early, but I work early so I handed over this task to DH, who is on holiday from work. It's our oldest child so we didn't know what to expect.

We had tidied up the main areas of the house and dumped all the clean (not even slightly sorted or folded) laundry in mine and DH's room for him to deal with later in the day.

During the visit, DH was apparently pinned to the floor with a billion random questions by one member of staff. During this, DS (3) took the other member of staff (his class teacher) upstairs to show them his toys in his bedroom. Only, while he was up there, he decided he actually wanted to show her his Beatrix Potter books. Which were in mine and DH's room as we have two children in a 2 bed house and the toddler keeps the three-year-old awake some nights so last night I'd read DS his bedtime story in our room before moving him into his own bed to sleep.

DS proudly brought his teacher into our room to get the Beatrix Potter books. I found this out when I got home from work and he and DH told me all about it. The door to our room was wide open, and right on the other side of the door was a massive white pair of my biggest knickers on top of a dark blue dress (for maximum contrast and embarrassment obviously).

Other highlights visible immediately from the door were two packets of "extra absorbent" sanitary towels and my underwear drawer was left wide open from where I had to find a last minute pair of socks this morning as I was very late and forgot to close it. It generally looked a total shit tip. The bed wasn't made either and the curtains are a Minnie Mouse blanket draped over the curtain rail as we only recently moved in. There were also a couple of random packing boxes on the floor, buried in laundry.

I am dying of shame and obviously now need to move to Saturn and change the child's school immediately because I can never, ever look his class teacher in the eye after this. I also can't believe she went upstairs with a three-year-old instead of politely refusing. She's probably traumatised by my giant knickers.

Tell me you've managed something worse. Or as a teacher that this isn't going to be talked about up and down the staff room. I am so embarrassed and trying my best to see the funny side.

This was totally wrong of the person to go up the stairs with your child.

threecupsofteaminimum · 19/07/2023 22:52

Nothing embarrassing about it at all.

Original poster
threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 22:54

grunttheterrible · 19/07/2023 22:47

Most women wear pants and menstruate. Are you serious?

RTFT. Unless you just jumped on an 8 page thread to take a potshot at someone for having an emotion.

OP posts:
GraysPapaya · 19/07/2023 22:54

I was expecting a sex swing or a massive dildo? This isn’t that embarrassing Op, don’t worry.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 19/07/2023 22:56

threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 22:16

May not mean anything at all, but sometimes if there are CP concerns and a chronology is drawn up the school would be noting down reluctance to engage with a simple home visit. It makes a simple thing much bigger than it actually is, but again, your right.
See this is where I'm struggling with adjusting to the culture in England, because it's clearly not a "simple home visit" if I've got my child's teacher, who is supposed to form and maintain a professional working relationship with me, feasting their eyes on my bedroom, and this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me want to refuse, because it's an invasion of mine and my family's privacy, but then if you do, they make mountains out of molehills and say you're not engaging and what do you have to hide?

So you're coerced into going along with it and now a teacher saw my private stuff and as another PP said, they'll be talking about it in the staff room. But refusing makes them suspicious so you have to.

It's coerced humiliation by someone in a position of power. Like being back at school again.

The unprofessional aspect was going upstairs with a toddler essentially, even social workers are mindful of that generally! (I've worker in child protection and education)

They shouldn't be gossiping about your house but also bear in mind you are now speculating about whether they've even thought twice about it...and already demonising the school staff.

A home visit serves many functions:
meeting the child
starting to build rapport in their (hopefully) safe and happy environment
meeting parents
seeing the home
seeing a snapshot of the child's behaviour in a known environment and
seeing parent-child interactions.

Whenever a post like this starts people are all too happy to criticise schools and safeguarding, but then when things are missed they'll be the first ones pointing the finger!

Grimsknee · 19/07/2023 22:57

I've never encountered school home visits before and I'm gobsmacked that teachers are expected to have this task in their workload. It must be days worth of work. I still don't understand the purpose of it, unless it's a covert welfare check.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 19/07/2023 22:58

@Grimsknee

A home visit serves many functions:
meeting the child
starting to build rapport in their (hopefully) safe and happy environment
meeting parents
seeing the home
seeing a snapshot of the child's behaviour in a known environment and
seeing parent-child interactions.

LuckyCats · 19/07/2023 22:59

YouAndMeAndThem, my son was often described as ‘quietly confident’.
He can be shy and reserved in certain situations and likes to get the lay of the land before he throws himself in, at home he was just doing his thing with Lego and carried on when the teachers came to see him, asked him what else he liked and commented we have lots of books, ds had no reason to be shy or clingy at home, used to visitors and used to being around lots of adults as the youngest of a big close family.

ArabeIIaScott · 19/07/2023 23:00

I'd be okay with a welfare check/safeguarding visit if it was clear that was what it was.

It sounds like what should be a strictly professional visit is trying to pretend to be a social visit, what with gossiping and judging in the car/staffroom afterwards and very unclear boundaries.

NealBrose · 19/07/2023 23:02

@threeyearoldwoes You don't sound confrontational at all. I can only genuinely say that I never did these with any undertones and just wanted to meet the child and give parents a chance to share any worries and ask questions without being rushed.

I have seen immaculate homes and messy ones. Ones full of children and animals and ones that are minimalist. I have visited damp housing with no furniture and once, memorably, a mansion with a butler in tails and maid dressed in the traditional (though not sexy!) maid outfit. I have never judged any of them.

I'm sorry to hear that a poster above did judge and would have talked in the staffroom. Deeply unprofessional and would never have happened in any of the places I have worked.

Twyford · 19/07/2023 23:04

BOYBANDLOVER · 19/07/2023 20:17

missing the point of the post entirely but since when do teachers/schools do home visits? that would be a very big no for me.
way to much invasion of privacy

we home educate so no idea if this is new

Since for ages.

Twyford · 19/07/2023 23:05

The teacher probably firmly kept her eye on your son and nothing else apart from his book.

myveryownelectrickitten · 19/07/2023 23:07

We had a home visit from one of the reception teachers and the TA before DD started school about 6 years ago. I think they’re routine in our area.

LuckyCats · 19/07/2023 23:07

I declined the 2 year check by health visitor because it wasn’t convenient as a working single mother and because they do the same checks at nursery and because as a mother I knew there is was no concern about my child.
If that raised a flag anywhere I’d be surprised and wouldn’t care.

AuntMarch · 19/07/2023 23:11

I did home visits when I worked in a reception class. They were hugely valuable on different levels. For one child, we immediately knew that they were living in a very overcrowded house and were able to support the family.

When they then came to us, they had two familiar faces to greet them and it did seem to make a difference to how easily they said goodbye to parents. It also got out relationships with the parents off to a great start, having that time for one on one conversations, even if it was just ten minutes!
They visited school in July, we did home visits first two days of term and then they started on the 3rd. Often had children in year 6 when talking about their time at school still remembering and smiling about showing us their favourite toys at home, or the pictures on their walls.
We certainly didn't care about piles of washing!

Original poster
threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 23:12

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 19/07/2023 22:58

@Grimsknee

A home visit serves many functions:
meeting the child
starting to build rapport in their (hopefully) safe and happy environment
meeting parents
seeing the home
seeing a snapshot of the child's behaviour in a known environment and
seeing parent-child interactions.

You just said that.
And I think you're cherrypicking my posts. Nobody is demonising teachers and I find it bizarre that you've read enough of my posts to quote one from a recent page on the thread but not read the (at least two) posts where I said I used to be a secondary teacher. Or the one where I said I'm trying not to take the whole thing personally.

Having said that, I disagree with a system that puts adults in a position of not feeling able to say no to hamfisted attempts by under-trained people to check up on other people who they're no better than. A botched attempt to check up on a child who is genuinely being abused can put the child in more danger than if they hadn't checked at all, I have first hand experience of seeing this happen to a child and the outcome was absolutely tragic.

OP posts:
Titchyfeep · 19/07/2023 23:15

This is why I’m glad that these visits aren’t a thing is Scotland . Hate people being in my house as I’m incapable of keeping it presentable.

Original poster
threeyearoldwoes · 19/07/2023 23:15

Still, over 8 pages in and only one person has accused me of teacher bashing for mentioning what most think is a legit issue with a teacher so I think I'm doing fairly well so far and getting some really helpful responses; some funny to commiserate with, some supportive that it shouldn't have happened, and some reassuring. And the penis beaker made an appearance so I'm going to call it a night here and sleep a lot better knowing that it's probably not as bad as it feels right now (maybe). So thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 19/07/2023 23:22

This wasn't anywhere near as bad as I'd expected. Surely that's what you expect if you venture into someone's private space! I don't imagine they intended to go up there and probably won't again now they've realised it's invasive and you see things you'd rather not.

We've never had home visits so I am amazed two people came to yours. I think that's so lovely.

Iloveringos · 19/07/2023 23:23

YourTruthorMine · 19/07/2023 20:15

Unless the knickers were covered in skid marks and the sanitary towels were used, I really wouldn't give it a second thought !

🤣🤣🤣

VintageBlossomHill · 19/07/2023 23:29

Slothlikemum · 19/07/2023 20:20

Surely it's a major safeguarding risk for a teacher to go upstairs alone with a 3 year-old, to their bedroom. Sounds incredibly inappropriate.

This. I work in secondary education and we shouldn’t be alone with a pupil in a room nevermind alone with a three year old in their bedroom.

You realise teachers are human too. You should see my house from April to the summer holidays. It’s not pretty. I currently have a blanket over my 7 year old son’s bedroom window as even with black out blinds he’s up at the crack of dawn