To be dying of shame

[threeyearoldwoes]

I very much want this to be lighthearted as it really burns right now but am hoping to see the funny side (in about 50 years maybe).

We had our primary school visit this morning. It was early, but I work early so I handed over this task to DH, who is on holiday from work. It's our oldest child so we didn't know what to expect.

We had tidied up the main areas of the house and dumped all the clean (not even slightly sorted or folded) laundry in mine and DH's room for him to deal with later in the day.

During the visit, DH was apparently pinned to the floor with a billion random questions by one member of staff. During this, DS (3) took the other member of staff (his class teacher) upstairs to show them his toys in his bedroom. Only, while he was up there, he decided he actually wanted to show her his Beatrix Potter books. Which were in mine and DH's room as we have two children in a 2 bed house and the toddler keeps the three-year-old awake some nights so last night I'd read DS his bedtime story in our room before moving him into his own bed to sleep.

DS proudly brought his teacher into our room to get the Beatrix Potter books. I found this out when I got home from work and he and DH told me all about it. The door to our room was wide open, and right on the other side of the door was a massive white pair of my biggest knickers on top of a dark blue dress (for maximum contrast and embarrassment obviously).

Other highlights visible immediately from the door were two packets of "extra absorbent" sanitary towels and my underwear drawer was left wide open from where I had to find a last minute pair of socks this morning as I was very late and forgot to close it. It generally looked a total shit tip. The bed wasn't made either and the curtains are a Minnie Mouse blanket draped over the curtain rail as we only recently moved in. There were also a couple of random packing boxes on the floor, buried in laundry.

I am dying of shame and obviously now need to move to Saturn and change the child's school immediately because I can never, ever look his class teacher in the eye after this. I also can't believe she went upstairs with a three-year-old instead of politely refusing. She's probably traumatised by my giant knickers.

Tell me you've managed something worse. Or as a teacher that this isn't going to be talked about up and down the staff room. I am so embarrassed and trying my best to see the funny side.

The teacher should not have gone upstairs. Disgraceful!

I think it's outrageous she went upstairs alone with your child and wandered into your bedroom! Any shame in this situation is on her, not you, how nosey unprofessional!

May not mean anything at all, but sometimes if there are CP concerns and a chronology is drawn up the school would be noting down reluctance to engage with a simple home visit. It makes a simple thing much bigger than it actually is, but again, your right.
See this is where I'm struggling with adjusting to the culture in England, because it's clearly not a "simple home visit" if I've got my child's teacher, who is supposed to form and maintain a professional working relationship with me, feasting their eyes on my bedroom, and this is exactly the sort of thing that makes me want to refuse, because it's an invasion of mine and my family's privacy, but then if you do, they make mountains out of molehills and say you're not engaging and what do you have to hide?

So you're coerced into going along with it and now a teacher saw my private stuff and as another PP said, they'll be talking about it in the staff room. But refusing makes them suspicious so you have to.

It's coerced humiliation by someone in a position of power. Like being back at school again.

I thought you were going to say a vibrator was lying on the bed 😳.

The teacher 100% shouldn’t have been going up there without you present though.

You could have refused the home visit and you have every right to refuse the half days in September too. Your child is entitled to a full
time place, and some kids take it up every year at my kids’ school afaik!

It’s all designed to help the kids settle, but it’s optional!

@lilsupersparks yeah but as was pointed out by a PP who I quoted in my very last post, it's not really optional and they're making a mental note of who refuses and forming an opinion of you on that basis. So I'm really trying to see the funny side but there's this horrible undertone to these sort of visits anyway.

It's coerced humiliation by someone in a position of power.

The attempts to blur it into some kind of vaguely 'social' visit, (with veiled threats of what might happen should you refuse), and relaxed to the extent a child is allowed to take a teacher into a bedroom, while also having teachers here admitting you'll be the 'talk of the staffroom' (ie your privacy won't be respected) is outrageous, frankly. I'm surprised anyone goes along with this.

If it's an official safeguarding visit privacy should be strictly respected. If it's a nothing-much social meeting, have it in a playpark.

If I were a teacher I'd be highly uncomfortable doing this kind of visit, tbh. Most teachers I know are careful to maintain their boundaries between families and home, for very understandable reasons.

Honestly I’ve done hundreds of home visits and wouldn’t even notice what you have described, I also wouldn’t go upstairs during a visit (and certainly not alone with a child!) But anyway honestly do not worry, the teacher will not even remember what you house looked like 😊

I’m so glad there was none of this nonsense when mine started school. I think it’s an outrageous invasion of privacy.

It's interesting seeing how unhappy a lot of people feel about just having a visit, even without the intrusion in the bedroom.

I don't remember any of the families I knew when my two were LOs being that arsed about it. But clearly some folks are.

I wonder if schools would carry on if they knew? Having done it myself long ago, it was a seriously busy and intense couple of days. It felt worth it to get to know families and children (small children are often amazingly different at home, chattier, more confident etc) but I would never have wanted to do it if I'd known people saw it as such an invasion!

It's not a new thing, we had one when DD was in Reception in 2016 (state school)

The early years team need to get a life then.
OMG KELLY I WENT INTO THE PARENTS BEDROOM AND SAW A PACKET OF SANITARY TOWELS AND UNDERWEAR LOLOLOL THEY WEAR KNICKERS AND HAVE PERIODS LMAO

Pathetic.

My kids started pre-school (state school in london) about 10 years ago and we had home visits for both of them. I didn't mind it. They also had visits a year later when they started reception proper.

I really appreciated the staff taking the time to do it for each child. Especially where I live where many families are recent immigrants and don't have a network of supportive friends and family.

There's nothing embarrassing about owning knickers and sanitary towels.

Ours didn’t do it and if they had I would have said yes if it fitted in with plans and no if not. Equally, the half days were fine at the time, but if we had the jobs we have now (me a teacher, husband with a long commute - a plane ride!) it would be a no.

Yea, they might bite down that you did t engage or whatever, but it’s only a tiny part of a big picture. If that big picture is not added to there will be no problem.

I can’t say it would occur to me to be worried about clean washing, pants and all - or sanitary towels though!!!! My washing would have been out on the line anyway :-)

Lovely that your son liked the teacher enough to go off with her - sounds like they are going to have a happy and warm relationship :-)

*write not bite 🤣

We really appreciated it (2 visits per child for nursery and reception) and it helped to build a relationship and to settle the kids in to school.

Shocked that you’re having a home visit!!!!? This is insane to me

The good thing about them is that it does give a chance to ask questions without any other parents there (which you cant really do on the induction days). However, it’s not meant to be a snooping visit and more of an informal chat for the child to get to know the teacher (and the teacher to know abit about their home life). Chat and a cuppa in the living room is all it should be.

as a former Reception teacher I'm sorry to say that this absolutely will be the talk of the Early Years team. 😂

Really?? How unprofessional of you...

my child went into a friends parents room whilst playing hide and seek. They didn't know it was wrong. I know it was a teacher in this case, but some people just don't realise.

@NealBrose I'd feel a lot happier about it if it didn't have undertones of "the innocent have nothing to hide" and if anyone had mentioned it before I complained that my child wasn't in a class with any of his many friends a few days ago. It feels a bit retaliatory, especially the way it was conducted where they didn't stay in the parts of the house that are clearly for visitors. I don't want my child's teacher potentially knowing what knickers I wear or the fact I am using dilators for gynaecological problems and wouldn't reasonably expect them to enter part of the house where that sort of thing might be visible. It's all well and good healthcare workers coming on and saying "you won't believe what we see" but the fact is, they've got a legitimate reason to be in those areas of someone's house due to medical necessity or care needs, and a teacher doesn't. Furthermore, they're trained to respect the dignity of their patients. Where is the dignity in teachers in a staff room talking about one of their children's mother's knickers or worse?
@ArabeIIaScott exactly.

I would never go upstairs in anyone’s house without asking permission. It’s basic manners.

OP, the teachers saw a loved and happy little boy who is enthusiastic about books. Perfect!

As a teacher, I would not want to make these visits.

Watching him play sounds so odd! My kids would just sit next to me in silence if their teacher came to visit 😮😂😂

@NealBrose sorry I didn't mean that to sound confrontational but I think the parade of people who just want to take a look at parents' homes do need to stop and think about how they would feel if someone turned up on a bad day and wanted to tromp around their "shit room" (as a PP called it... love that term for it).

Please don't worry. I have done home visits for years and unless I see something in the realms of a safeguarding issue I don't judge ... well I do because I visit some beautiful homes and me and my TA often end up in the car afterwards feeling well jealous 😆Home visits give us a feel of who the children and their wider family are and I love seeing a house that is a 'normal' functioning house washing, pet hair, toys everywhere, a million things stuck to the fridge. We're all human.