To be dying of shame

[threeyearoldwoes]

I very much want this to be lighthearted as it really burns right now but am hoping to see the funny side (in about 50 years maybe).

We had our primary school visit this morning. It was early, but I work early so I handed over this task to DH, who is on holiday from work. It's our oldest child so we didn't know what to expect.

We had tidied up the main areas of the house and dumped all the clean (not even slightly sorted or folded) laundry in mine and DH's room for him to deal with later in the day.

During the visit, DH was apparently pinned to the floor with a billion random questions by one member of staff. During this, DS (3) took the other member of staff (his class teacher) upstairs to show them his toys in his bedroom. Only, while he was up there, he decided he actually wanted to show her his Beatrix Potter books. Which were in mine and DH's room as we have two children in a 2 bed house and the toddler keeps the three-year-old awake some nights so last night I'd read DS his bedtime story in our room before moving him into his own bed to sleep.

DS proudly brought his teacher into our room to get the Beatrix Potter books. I found this out when I got home from work and he and DH told me all about it. The door to our room was wide open, and right on the other side of the door was a massive white pair of my biggest knickers on top of a dark blue dress (for maximum contrast and embarrassment obviously).

Other highlights visible immediately from the door were two packets of "extra absorbent" sanitary towels and my underwear drawer was left wide open from where I had to find a last minute pair of socks this morning as I was very late and forgot to close it. It generally looked a total shit tip. The bed wasn't made either and the curtains are a Minnie Mouse blanket draped over the curtain rail as we only recently moved in. There were also a couple of random packing boxes on the floor, buried in laundry.

I am dying of shame and obviously now need to move to Saturn and change the child's school immediately because I can never, ever look his class teacher in the eye after this. I also can't believe she went upstairs with a three-year-old instead of politely refusing. She's probably traumatised by my giant knickers.

Tell me you've managed something worse. Or as a teacher that this isn't going to be talked about up and down the staff room. I am so embarrassed and trying my best to see the funny side.

They'll be glad your house is like theirs! Take a chill pill and laugh out loud.

Blooming kids, who'd have em, eh?!

Well I would say I'm agnostic on home visits. It seems very invasive and as if the school is the boss of the parents. To my knowledge it's not a thing here in the US (yet!). On the other hand, every so often you hear of some case of a child who dies because they were living in a hoarded home with piles of animal feces left around the home, or a kitchen that is never ever cleaned, or things like that. So maybe the idea is that home visits will suss out those sorts of situations.

I think the problem is that every so often you get someone who is "holier than thou" who feels they have the right to go around criticising normal housekeeping. Or a situation like this, where frankly people have no business in the parents' bedroom.

I think in this case the teacher really should have known how to direct the child away from the bedroom in a kind way.

We had home visits when mine started school 10/12 years ago. DD actually invited the teacher upstairs to see her bedroom and the teacher wisely said ‘oh, well I’m quite comfortable here with this lovely cup of tea your mum has made for me- why don’t you bring some of your favourite toys or books to show me?’

I am a primary school teacher. This is nothing to be embarrassed about, certainly nothing to be ashamed about. I don't think the teacher should have been wandering around your house. Please let this go. Teachers just care that your child is safe and well cared for. I have never heard a teacher discuss mess or big pants in the staff room. Let the shame go.

I’m a school teacher and what parents don’t know is how much personal stuff your children will TELL the teachers about you. You’ve only just begun on this journey. Your knickers are only the start

No, it helps children to transition into school.

I did and part didn't know about visits. Until my DC started, and it was as far as I am aware, only because they went to the adjoining nursery that we didn't have a home visit.

OP i can understand completely, but firstly the teacher shouldn't have really gone up there anyway, maybe they thought they was being nice going up there with DC 🤔 even though I would feel like I would want to say something or explain myself (anxiety) leave it be. Even if they have been talking about it in the staff room, there will be something else to talk about soon I'm sure.

Why are they even going upstairs in your house let alone into your bedroom. Seriously I'd be questioning why they did this? They should be embarrassed not you. They really shouldn't be disappearing up to your child's bedroom with them, this is so inappropriate.

Our nursery visit (nursery attached to school) involved the 2 teachers coming to the house for half an hour, a quick chat in the livingroom and left. It would never occur to me that they would be touring mine or my children's bedrooms, of course it wouldn't because that's weird.

Not the same but I remember when my oldest DS was at nursery over 20 years ago another little boy gleefully told the staff member that his mummy was wearing pink knickers today 🤣

That is so weird that the teacher went out the room with your child. Even more weird that they went upstairs. I imagined there would be a really tight protocol around these visits.

I thought you were going to say vibrator and bed restraints still on, haha. Sure the teachers have seen it all but do think they should have said no to going into parents room. Teacher could have easily deflected

You’re in the wrong to be embarrassed by knickers and sanitary products

they’re in the wrong for going into your bedroom. Totally inappropriate

DS is 16 and DD is 13. They had home visits when they started school.

OP the teacher shouldn't have even gone upstairs, totally inappdopriare. They are supposed to be there to meet the child in a familiar setting so that when they start school it's not as daunting for them although I imagine it will be for you now instead 😂😂

Most schools and nurseries (nursery schools, part of primary not daycare) do it and have done for a while, but my kids age 18 & 15 didn’t get one. But sure they started soon after

That’s what they say but we all know it’s to flag up social issues

It's not new. My kids reception teacher visited and that was 13 and 11 years ago.
People are MN are so strange sometimes. Why would the teacher refuse to look at a child's toys? Even if they are upstairs.
I wouldn't worry OP. They will have seen a lot worse than that.

Is that the best you can do, OP? Clean laundry, underwear, pads, an unmade bed and a blanket?
Come on now. If you want to create a poor impression you’ll have to try much harder than that.
1/10 for this attempt (and I’m struggling to award the 1).
🧑‍🎓

I used to do these home visits and messy wasn’t an issue at all. We looked for SEN that hadn’t be diagnosed/disclosed, visible neglect, no toys, safeguarding red flags etc. I definitely wouldn’t have gone off around the house though, that’s super intrusive!

@Rosebel It is new ! 13 and 11 years ago was 5 minutes ago !

You will laugh about it OP, its actually funny and I'd say not at all embarrassing, if you DC is a chatterbox they will hear much worse things anyway!! I'm surprised the teacher went into the room, she should have said "Why dont you get the book and i'll wait here" or something, and watched the child go in. I'd be uncomfortable walking into a persons bedroom even if it was pristine.

Another one. I had done the usual pre visit tidy up before the gas man was due to arrive. Made sure nothing embarrassing out etc. When I showed him into the front room (where the meter is) the cat had done the most unholy stinker of a turd in the middle of the carpet. It was the kind that makes you gag just going near it. The poor guy must have been heaving internally but he was so polite and professional about it as I wanted the ground to open and swallow me.

We have DS' home visit first week of September. At a recent school welcome event the head of early years, when talking about the visits, said the children often like to show us their toys and bedrooms, which I took as code for, put your knickers away we'll likely be all over your house!
I think it's nice and it's good for safeguarding to see a young child's home environment

I had a colleague who famously wore ENORMOUS knickers when teaching Chemistry (mostly a Biology teacher, but did some other science for Y7) that she called her "Bunsen burner pants" due to an embarassing incident early in her career that involved a student accidentally setting fire to her skirt....

Don't worry, teachers have seen big pants before 😂

Surprised they sent 2 teachers for the visit though, that's quite rare.

They are there to smooth the transition for your child, not to judge you on the state of your bedroom.

It's not new. It's being going on in some schools for 30 years to my knowledge.

I had a home visit 20 years ago for a NE underachieving primary school (I was the student). Your bedroom sounds totally normal