To be dying of shame

[threeyearoldwoes]

I very much want this to be lighthearted as it really burns right now but am hoping to see the funny side (in about 50 years maybe).

We had our primary school visit this morning. It was early, but I work early so I handed over this task to DH, who is on holiday from work. It's our oldest child so we didn't know what to expect.

We had tidied up the main areas of the house and dumped all the clean (not even slightly sorted or folded) laundry in mine and DH's room for him to deal with later in the day.

During the visit, DH was apparently pinned to the floor with a billion random questions by one member of staff. During this, DS (3) took the other member of staff (his class teacher) upstairs to show them his toys in his bedroom. Only, while he was up there, he decided he actually wanted to show her his Beatrix Potter books. Which were in mine and DH's room as we have two children in a 2 bed house and the toddler keeps the three-year-old awake some nights so last night I'd read DS his bedtime story in our room before moving him into his own bed to sleep.

DS proudly brought his teacher into our room to get the Beatrix Potter books. I found this out when I got home from work and he and DH told me all about it. The door to our room was wide open, and right on the other side of the door was a massive white pair of my biggest knickers on top of a dark blue dress (for maximum contrast and embarrassment obviously).

Other highlights visible immediately from the door were two packets of "extra absorbent" sanitary towels and my underwear drawer was left wide open from where I had to find a last minute pair of socks this morning as I was very late and forgot to close it. It generally looked a total shit tip. The bed wasn't made either and the curtains are a Minnie Mouse blanket draped over the curtain rail as we only recently moved in. There were also a couple of random packing boxes on the floor, buried in laundry.

I am dying of shame and obviously now need to move to Saturn and change the child's school immediately because I can never, ever look his class teacher in the eye after this. I also can't believe she went upstairs with a three-year-old instead of politely refusing. She's probably traumatised by my giant knickers.

Tell me you've managed something worse. Or as a teacher that this isn't going to be talked about up and down the staff room. I am so embarrassed and trying my best to see the funny side.

Home visits must be dependent on area. DS (4) is starting school in September and we haven’t had one, and as far as I know no schools around here do them. I’d also be panicking about getting the house tidy, but I’m sure they’ll forget the knickers pretty quickly OP! Does seem bizarre that the teacher would wander off upstairs alone with a three year old, though.

Why the feck was the teacher asking your husband questions?? Surely the point of the visit is for him to ask the teachers? This all sounds very odd, I didnt think teachers were allowed to be on their own with students, especially in a bedroom.

I'd be raging if my school enforced this madness.

@adriftinadenofvipers 🤣 OMG what did the vicar say?
@WiddlinDiddlin You're right, no one died. I did try and tell myself this earlier but my brain was busy going ARRRRGH OLD KNICKERS!!! I'm now thankful that I don't have a rottweiler to give "gifts" to visitors.
@Doggytastic OMFG I bet her parents were mortified! 😂

Scotland, for clarity.

Never heard of such a thing.

My son's primary were doing home visits for reception age children 32 years ago.

After his prospective teacher had been here for around 15 minutes he said to her: I think it's time you went, now.

He never saw her again. She was on sick leave when the term started and never returned to the school and his reception class started school with a supply teacher they had not met before. Some of the children were understandably confused by this and took a while to settle in.

Absolutely. I would never have gone upstairs without the adult's permission. I would never have gone into an adult bedroom full stop.

In this case, the teacher may not have gone in. Or may have legitimately thought it was a child's room. We don't know. If they went in knowingly, they were wrong.

Inappropriate behaviour from the teacher aside, as a former Reception teacher I'm sorry to say that this absolutely will be the talk of the Early Years team. 😂🙈 However, it will only be a lighthearted convo, and will be forgotten about within days! You seem to have seen the funny side of it, though. Phew!

We had home visits back in the day (DS started school 15 years ago)

We had a home visit when my ds started school 9 years ago, they just came in watched him play, commented that we had lots of books and asked questions about what he likes, other general stuff.
I certainly would not have wanted them to see my bedroom even when it’s tidy, thats my private space that nobody goes in.
The first time I left my son with a babysitter i specifically told him do not go in my room.
It was a tip, clothes, books, make up all over the place; came home bedroom door wide open with some excuse about how he just had to take babysitter in there for some urgent important reason.
I didn’t know wether to die of embarrassment or throttle him.

Our school sent out an email with a home visit date, I politely said we were unavailable sorry! When they sent a second (& last) date I said ooops sorry, not home again! There is not one good reason for it! I’m not stress cleaning for fear of judgment! But don’t worry op sounds normal but annoying. We all have a shit room we shut the door on when we have guests, unfortunately your child opened yours!

Yes - I can totally see that. She should definitely have checked it out with your husband and not gone into your room!

I thought you were going to say you had a massive dildo and anal beads on display or your dc walked down with a pair of dirty knickers on his head - I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill

@YouAndMeAndThem I don't know. The children weren't born in England and I never expected us to live here so I've no idea about the idiosyncracies and they surprise me in new and weird ways on a regular basis but a lot of things seem so intense, intrusive and fast-paced. Trying to just roll with it but this particular incident really got to me.

I really really wouldn't worry about it at all.

The child wanted to share something.

Your house sounds like a family home.

It wasn't covered in filth and the children sounded engaged.

That's what's important.

Hugs. (And a massive gin & tonic!)

Agree. That is probably the reason for visiting in pairs and not splitting up.

I would seriously wonder if you should say something because that is very very inappropriate not only for a teacher/whoever to go upstairs into the bedrooms without one of the parents, but for one of them to go alone with a 3 year old.

Op, you have absolutely nothing to be concerned about on your part. But that teacher does, and the teacher who didn’t try to prevent it.

That's fine, I'll just pop round to yours, then.

I didn’t know wether to die of embarrassment or throttle him.
That was exactly how I felt when DS and DH told me what had happened. I have now told DS we don't take people upstairs (it's not the first time, but it's definitely the worst time he's taken visitors upstairs) but I don't really expect him to remember or act on it as he's only little.

If it makes you feel any better we didn't get the letter about the visit and so the reception teacher and TA turned up unexpectedly (to me) at 10 am on my day off and we were all still in PJ's with the curtains shut. DS refused to speak to them, and they were taking photos of all the children as they did the visits to put up on the classroom to help each other and the teacher to learn names. So for his first term in reception DS had a pic of him in his scruffy PJ's on the classroom wall for all to see!

I think it’s also invasive and overstepping to make ‘home visits’ of children under the guise of meeting the teacher early when there are no valid concerns. It is about creeping control over your children, invading the home and presenting oneself as the authority between parents and their children.

Here in the USA, it is my sister’s job to visit the homes of clients who are on probation for serious crimes and cases of neglect or abuse. They’re called home visits.

I wouldn't worry about it - your child is obviously loved and had books that he was proud of. So she won't be concerned.

Home visits sound invasive and weird. Mine never had them. Both are now at secondary.

Well within your rights to refuse a home visit but usually it is logged down on places like CPOMS. May not mean anything at all, but sometimes if there are CP concerns and a chronology is drawn up the school would be noting down reluctance to engage with a simple home visit. It makes a simple thing much bigger than it actually is, but again, your right.

Every time a thread like this gets done you'll have people saying that schools didn't do home visits in their day/right to refuse and so on and so forth. There are a lot more safeguarding responsibilities for schools now and this is just one small aspect.

When staff visit your home they are generally not arsed about the state of your home unless there is a genuine safeguarding risk.

Exactly. Perhaps parents should pop in to the teachers’ homes and check them and their homes out to make sure everything is on the up and up and to ‘get to know them and have an idea of what their expectations are.’

Ridiculous.

The teacher shouldn't really have gone upstairs let alone into your bedroom!

so it is to check out the family and home. Not to 'get to know you' at all. And non compliance will be noted and may have repercussions.

TBH I would find it less invasive, overbearing and inappropriate if schools were honest about it. Say it's a safeguarding check. Then we all know where we stand.