AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

@MNHQ

Condoms fail sometimes 🤷‍♀️

That comment was a screw up.

Are these people accountable to you?

The thing is, even the ‘good guys’ will likely be crap at equally sharing the mental load unless they are actively educated out of that attitude. It’s totally endemic.

OP doesn’t seem to understand that sexist attitudes to domestica are introduced and quietly perpetuated from toddlerhood. You don’t actually have to be an idiot to fail to challenge the values that you see reflected in every your parents, your friends’ parents, every advert and tv show and movie. That’s expecting a lot from every child.

You might be interested to know, OP, that my husband does make an effort to share the mental load. If I feel he’s starting to let the side down (which does happen), he takes it on the chin when I pull him up in it. It does require active rejection of values that have been instilled since childhood. Many men have to be reminded that they’re not actually heroes for being around at the weekend just because their dads and uncles (and many of their current friends perhaps) were always off at football matches.

Don’t pretend you don’t know these things. You’re aware of the trope of a man being ‘pussy-whipped’ if he behaves like a responsible partner? Those attitudes are still out there, OP, and they’re part of the reason that women need a name for all the heavy lifting we’re still doing.

Oh dear someone has gone off the deep end, whole thread about to go poof at this rate. I would kindly advise the op hold back on the stream of not so internalised misogynistic language dying to pour out before they get banned. One step away from calling us all dumb k*rens and flouncing anyway…

OP never wanted a reasoned debate IMO.

They have spleen to vent and perhaps no real life outlet.

I have my suspicions about a few threads at the moment and about “manosphere” infiltrators.

And it is a pattern on here to escalate threads to a point where MN will delete, even in the face of interesting content, when issues are contentious.

Ah well, t’is the way of our Brave New World I suppose.

I admit I'm in a pissy mood today

Yes! And on that “heroes” thing, when DP took shared parental leave, twice, he got so many compliments and high fives and general “what a shining example to us all” feedback from work. Me, doing the lion’s share and the breastfeeding? ::crickets::

I’ve had people tell me I’m “lucky” I’ve got one who cooks (they haven’t tasted his cooking, clearly), which… really? That’s the bar? But the attitudes are everywhere. When my mother died someone expressed sympathy to me for my dad “having to learn how to cook and run a household for the first time” as if he hadn’t been doing it single-handedly the whole time she was ill, and jointly with her before that. And when I said all that, I got “Wow! Good for him”. How’s it good for him to, as OP puts it, adult.

Like your husband he does sometimes need pulling up but he’s fighting against an upbringing where his mum did everything on top of working full time, and his dad just turned up to table, ate, and left again.

I think shaking off both individual upbringings and societal messaging is hugely difficult, for men and women.

If I didn't do the mental load, my kids wouldnt have clean uniforms (or even the uniforms bought), paid activities with kit for that, meter readings wouldn't be done, bills not paid, little bits of crP for school like non uniform days or trips would be done, appointments wouldn't be remembered or planned for, the endless admin of having a SEN child wouldn't get done, our shopping would likely have stuff missing, random shit for the houselike sink unblocked or paint would not get bought, gifts for parties wouldn't get done. My OH has no interest in this. He is happy to run errands, but I have to tell him it needs doing first. A bit shit really. My memory is shot, but it's because I have to do the remembering for four fecking people.

Messages being deleted OP. YABAD

Yes because only mine are being deleted

And it was one where I used fruity language to reply to someone that implied that I was easy as a teen because they were. Oops

I assume that was for me. Glad I missed it. Not saying you were a slag, but pointing out that the 90s/00s were a time for women to explore their sexuality freely, so perhaps you felt that pressure. But of course you didn’t, because you are the only person on earth exempt from societal pressure. What an example to us all. Hero.

No honestly I was quite sheltered, all girls school, bit of a loaner dork. Got pregnant by my first boyfriend, lucky me!

Do you think your low self esteem was linked to being a loner dork? Do you think your peers judged you for being a dork, leading to you being a loner? Or was it entirely your decision?

Couldn't tell ya really, probably but I'm no psychologist

I was/am a bit of a weirdo 🤷‍♀️ I like it now though

Not blaming anyone else

“I’m no psychologist”

Yet you feel qualified to tell other people that their feelings aren’t valid, and their experiences are false.

Yeah, that tracks.

Also, being a loner, of course you don’t have difficulty remembering birthdays and parties and all that. Those of us with large friendship groups and active social lives experience things differently.

It doesn’t have to be about blame though does it?

Your genetics, your up-bringing, your environment, your culture, society as a whole and your peers have influence over you whether you like it or not. What you do with that realisation can help you make better informed choices as you can get a handle on what’s driving you and decide whether or not it serves you.

You’ve clearly achieved what you feel is personal success and growth based on your own experience, which is laudable.

However life is not a system, a tick box exercise or one size fits all. Which is all people have tried to communicate to you over the entire thread.

I'm saying that I think whinging about hoovering and what soap to buy etc etc is a bit pathetic

Was a loner*

But that’s not all mental load is. I’ve said it several times that it’s like project management. Your project is smaller than others’ by virtue of you being a single parent with 1 kid, who is also a bit of a loner.

The project that someone with lots of kids, lots of friends, an active social life and plenty of hobbies will be more involved.

Can you really not see that?