AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

It's a shame your own self respect isn't enough for you.

Because the disparity in household roles isn’t as acute with 1 kid.

Plus things change. Perhaps there was less pressure on the woman before but as she’s taken multiple career breaks to have babies, his job has become bigger. Whilst she’s working p/t or only in the home, she takes on more responsibilities (‘mental load’) so he’s done less, but as she returns to work, this imbalance doesn’t rectify.

Honestly, with a bit of thought, it isn’t hard to understand.

Op, do you have children and /or a partner?

Pfft the op doesn’t recognise that having one child by a useless man makes her just as lacking in self respect as someone who has 10. She still made that choice and still affected another human being by making that choice and the consequences that came with it. Worse if anything, she used having a baby as some sort of experiment in a certain lifestyle and thinks her failure should be celebrated because she only did it with one child. But judging by the frighteningly low comprehension level she has shown, that will all probably go over her head.

Absolutely. They should just shut up and get on with it. The only good that can come from discussing it is women feeling like they aren’t the only ones leading to a feeling of togetherness and collective action to address the systemic inequality of gender roles, and who the fuck wants that?

I recognised they were useless and got rid. You didn't and want to blame society for your fuck up rather than take some responsibility for yourself

And I was a dumb teenager. Presumably you're a lot older than me, grown woman keeping on shagging an arsehole and blaming others, sad

Do you think comments like that are enlightened and deserve respect?

Because the disparity in household roles isn’t as acute with 1 kid.

Plus things change. Perhaps there was less pressure on the woman before but as she’s taken multiple career breaks to have babies, his job has become bigger. Whilst she’s working p/t or only in the home, she takes on more responsibilities (‘mental load’) so he’s done less, but as she returns to work, this imbalance doesn’t rectify.

Honestly, with a bit of thought, it isn’t hard to understand.

Exactly this. It's not hard to understand, unless you're someone who isn't interested in understanding and would rather speak about women in misogynistic ways, dismissing their experiences in the process.

Have a look at Mumsnet threads where it 'just makes sense' for the woman in the relationship to make changes to her own finances/career that aren't in her best interests and how the impact of those choices builds over time. Add in that girls are socialised to consider family friendliness of their career choices in a way boys aren't, that load shifts (understandably ) on maternity leave but then it doesn't recover, then add that in that there's often a motherhood penalty and a fatherhood bonus, and it's suddenly very complicated

Still if other women were cool like the OP they'd just woman better and magically complex socialisation and systemic issues wouldn't affect them. 😂🙄

(And before OP and others start, both me and DH work part time, and know we are in the minority having this arrangement).

Call it whatever you want, but it doesn't mean the chores themselves, it's the thinking of all the things which need doing and making sure they get done, and generally is seen as a 'load' because it's all falling to one person to sort out on behalf of a whole family unit, whether that's a couple or couple plus family. The life admin if you will which most people can happily do for themselves only without feeling overloaded but the point is one person (usually a woman) ends up doing all of this for their partner and children too, instead of it being shared equally between both adults in the family. And when they're probably doing a higher proportion of the actual chores too, AND probably also working full time - it becomes a bit much!

It's certainly comments like this that contribute to a more difficult internet experience for people trying to put across real valid points about how the situation is for them.
The majority of posters get it though, so it tends to be worth it for that.

More respect than others who just flat out refuse to be held accountable for their own screw ups

Why would you have a single child with such a feckless, useless idiot? Unless he was just an unknowing sperm donor, haven’t you done exactly what you criticise in others?

And of course being a wife is work. So is being a husband. Your responsibility increases the bigger your family becomes. You can call it ‘living’ if you want, but others prefer to break it down further so they can make decisions about how to equitably divide the work.

Oh dear someone is full of excuses. You still sound like a dumb teenager. That’s what can happen when you choose to have a baby when you yourself are still a child, you miss out on those vital years of emotional maturity through lived experience. It very much shows in your case. You don’t know anything about my situation or any other women. You lack capacity to understand social and patriarchal discourse. You made a bad choice a long time ago and it’s affected your maturity and abilities to have a broader perspective. That’s sad. It’s very sad that you cannot understand things in nuances, you don’t understand history, you don’t understand anything much at all beyond your own very narrow perspective.

I was a teenager with very little self esteem and as admitted in a post ages ago, I was dumb. When I saw that his actions were going to effect my son and decided that wasn't good enough, I binned em. I didn't stick around like some idiots on here. I take responsibility for that. Or I could just parrot others and say that society made me do it

I hear what you’re saying @YeahIsaidit but I do think you and many others are using the phrase incorrectly too.

the issue with mental load isn’t doing the individual tasks themselves, it’s the fact that others in the household don’t pull their weight in keeping things ticking along.

it might be because you’re single, that most of these things fall to you and there is no other adult / partner who can be seen to be coasting on your efforts.

So take, for example, paying for the school trip … the letter is in the fridge and the deadline to pay marked on the shared calendar. It’s a quick job so on the 11th you pay the balance. A 2 minute job, done quite easily four days before the deadline. Well done you. But there are loads of these quick jobs and so it would be good if you felt that your partner was taking equal responsibility by ‘ticking things off’ the list too.

i think that’s mainly what it comes down to. But useless partners are the subject of another (thousand or so) thread(s).

mental load is simply functioning as a responsible adult. It’s only really an issue when one adult partner decides not to do so.

Simple question for you, OP.

Do you agree that society still expects different things from men and women?

Your answer to this will tell me if you’re actually equipped to be discussing these issues in the first place.

You really are unpleasant and/or stupid.

Even women in relatively happy marriages are aware of the imbalance between domestic expectations on men and those places on women. Many take steps to avoid it affecting their relationship as a whole.

To deny this makes you look very clueless.

Interesting escalation in derogatory language from the OP.

The complete lack of appreciation of nuance in people’s circumstances is a little disturbing.

I believe the boiling frog analogy can be applied to a large number of women who have had more than one child with a less than ideal partner.

And yes, this is partly the fault of society - women are still largely viewed as supporters of those in need around them. So for example, if a less than ideal partner is behaving that way due to mental health issues, stress or their own upbringing it is very difficult to just turn away.

If a man is promising changes it would be unfair not to give them a chance right? And to offer what emotional and practical support one can, right? Especially if there is love in the equation.

It’s really not as simple as OP is making out, is it?

You’re not big on reading tone or nuance, are you? Where is the complaint, please?

I would happily explain it to you. But I might as well explain it to a toddler or brain dead goldfish for all the good it will do. To explain something to a person there has to be receptiveness, something you have proven too many times now not to possess. And I know you’ll respond something utterly childish rather than accept responsibility in your part of smarter, more well versed women not engaging with you further but I honestly am so very bored of you now.

I have no issue with a debate or not to change someone’s mind, but your immaturity to even take any point on board is beyond tedious. Every single point brought to you, you’ve done nothing but sneer, foot stomp and often completely missed the point. I can’t imagine how exhausting you are to people in real life but if you’re half as bad as you’ve been here I honestly pity anyone who comes into contact with you.