AIBU to hate the term mental load?

[YeahIsaidit]

I cringe every time I read it, people lamenting that they can't cope with the mental load, partners aren't taking on an equal share of the mental load, argh! They're chores, household tasks, jobs. Mental load makes it sound like you're suffering from some kind of mental health issue rather than being dragged down by housework, stop it.

Can any of you answer the question?

Try this then, see the whole thing as supporting your family in different ways. The useless DH that forgets to walk the dog while not seeing the dishes supports financially, you do the life Admin. That seems fair
Nobody gets to opt out of doing their fair share of running a household because their payslip has a higher number on it.

Complex systemic issues need to be discussed and mental load is a useful term for discussing class based behaviour patterns, especially for those who experience it first hand.

It's interesting that the thread has gone from claiming mental load is a silly term made up by women who are moaning about nothing, but 34 pages in women carrying the mental load is now fair because the poor man goes to work so it's only fair the woman overlooks that he doesn't see mess.

The thing that grates on me, about the big important man job, is I had one of those. Not six figures, not far off, in finance.

Don't get me wrong, I hated it, and actually quit and had a complete career change, albeit just before I had DC, which was more creative, and I loved, for about 70% of the pay.

Anyhow, the main point is, particular in my financial role, I was seen as a hard working, high flying, very clever, employee. A highly taxing job, pressure, deadlines. And it's categorically easier than my role now.

I could shut it off at 6pm. Take holiday from it. Finance law is finance law, once you know it, you just apply it how you're told. There's a reason many parents say they return to work for a break.

Also, which I think is quite relevant, my role is harder now, but I'm not complaining. Happiness wise, contentment wise, I would take my current life and the much higher mental load over the "easier" full time job and the pay packet.

I don't think DH has a big stressful time at work. He'd vouch for that. He has the responsibility to financially support us all, yes, but does he work tirelessly like a hero doing so? No. Does he enjoy his job? Absolutely.

He knows my planning and organising can't simply be turned off at the weekends. He knows he has the cushier end of the deal...to him anyway. It works for us, because he sees what I do and doesn't take it for granted. And I'm more than happy not be in the workplace.

Some more perspectives....

If women achieve domestic equality in the home, it might free us up to achieve financial equality in the workplace.

If we have a label for the domestic load women carry in the home it enables us to teach our sons that they must share that load and teach our daughters they shouldn't be unequally burdened with that load in the future.

If we can't define it, we can't fix it.

The term itself is cringe AF but it does need defining in some way, because its not JUST the chores, and that's the point.

It's thinking about the chores, thinking about buying the products to do the chores, finding the time to do the shop to buy the products, researching the products. Etc etc (and that's just for 'household chores')

So although the term seems new and is cringy, it needs to be identified as a task separate from the chores that are visible. If my partner asks me to delegate, or what jobs he can do it is very closely followed by 'where is the spray/clean cloths' etc

Everyone doesn't have to do it though do they, and that's the point. In GENERAL one parent (and let's be honest here is the mother) is doing all of this, for the other parent to pick up and finish the job by dropping child at football (for example).

Good for you if you aren't worn down by a mental load, but don't take away from others what is a very useful and validating term.

Never has an OP been so desperate for a row.🙄

Thinking about chores and thinking about which products to buy?! I mean surely its just do the chores and buy the products?! How mucn thought needs to go into what bathroom cleaner or window spray to buy. This mental load seems all self inflicted

I mean surely its just do the chores and buy the products

Why don't men do it then?

I mean surely its just do the chores and buy the products?!

Surely it is, and sort the birthdays, make sure the kids are in a fresh uniform each day, except remembering which are pe days or non uniform days, when term starts and ends, plan and book holidays, arrange visits, meal plan, go shopping without needing to ask another person a million times what specific item they wanted, seeing which chores need doing and actually doing them without anyone pointing it out.

Just such a shame most men cannot do it for some reason. But they should, shouldn’t they? Simply just do it and not ask or wait to be asked.

Yet here we are, discussing this non issue for page upon page. Because they’re not and we are.

Because some of them are shitty examples of functional adults?

Exactly so we need this label it so we can pull them up on it.

Not minimise the load.

The pressures of life exend to work as well as remembering the school term dates! Cleaning the kitchen and putting away the drying are just as important and often forgotten as instead of thinking and considering how to do them, they just get done.

Bunging things in the wash is just bunging things in the wash, soap powder all does pretty much the same stuff, unless there are allergies involved how much research needs to go into getting this stuff?

It's a bit tragic that remembering the birthdays of your family and particularly your children counts as something of a mental load, don't they just stick in there? I fully admit that my memory is kinda shite but I mean come on.

Same as PE days, they tend to be the same days every week once or maybe twice, remembering every Tuesday for example isn't hard. We all know how relentless schools are with notes and emails, correspondence in general so non uniform days really shouldn't be that much of a chore either, you'll have at least one note and likely an accompanying email. Phone reminders tend to help me out with random "non normal" days too.

Meal planning I refuse to accept as a thing. It's a case of what's in the cupboards/fridge, what do you fancy or I'm going to the shop can I pick anything up. It seems a waste to meal plan to me but to each their own, if you want to add it to the huge list of tasks you have to do go ahead but it's daft.

If going to the shop, ask once, not several times. I ask my DS to text me anything he wants, cos again shite memory but then it's there in black and white and if I don't get something he wanted but didn't mention, too bad. If its something essential like deodorant I'll make an exception because I don't want him to wander around reeking but it's a rare occurrence for him to not be aware that he's running low. In fact, he's pretty cool all round, brings his laundry down when I'm doing a wash UNASKED or goes ahead and does his own. Cleans up after himself, helps out around the house unasked, or offers to help if I'm doing something, for example oh you're washing the dishes sure I'll dry and put them away, he even knows where they go?! He's thoughtful if he comes down to make food he asks if I want any too, likewise if he's going to the shop he'll ask if I want anything.

Holy shit did this bitch who doesn't believe that the mental load is something people should bitch about manage to single handedly raise a young man that knows how to use the washing machine and make food and clean up after himself all by herself? Fuuuuuuck.

I agree that this has dragged on a bit though.

Let's agree to disagree, I think that the mental load is a load of bollocks and honestly an excuse to moan about either unnecessary shit, normal every day adult/parenthood and seemingly inept men. You think I'm a cunt for that belief. It's all good

Why don't you just not put up with shitty men? Refuse to be taken for a mug by someone who doesn't respect you enough to not walk past dirty dishes and overflowing bins etc etc

I didn't. I left. Am a single mum to 3 kids.

I needed the term to define why I needed to leave.

I'm glad you gave the useless tool the heave ho. I hope the next guy that comes along whenever that may be is better

You ended a relationship as life admin was too much for you. Gosh.

I ended my relationship because the fact he didn't believe inequality for men and women made me fall out of love with him.

I deserve a man who helps me realise my potential in life, not hinders it. I was prepared to share everything - work, financial load, domestic load. He wasn't. So I left.

At the moment I see little benefit in being in another relationship as men (and it seems a number of women from this thread) are socialised to view the domestic load as petty womens work.

But the "supporting role" for want of a better word for it is rarely acknoledged and virtually never renumerated carrying the mental load doesn't attract a pension, paid holiday or anything else. That massively disadvantages whoever carries it (90% women) if they do so in lieu of significant financial contribution to the hold hold. If they do both, well then that just plain uunfair. It's a Hobson's choice.

Well it took 35 pages for OP to put it in black and white, but we now have the point of her thread.

"Look at me womaning better than all of you".

Like PP, I too am now reading her responses in a Vicky Pollard voice. They suddenly feel right like that.

It's not that the poor man goes to work. It's that it's seemingly OK for him to carry the majority of the financial load but not OK for women to carry the "mental" one.

Worrying about whether or not your warning enough money for your family and the things it needs has to be more stressful than pissing about over party invites and reviewing insurance policies (that someone else pays for)

So some women want equality.... In some places??

That's what you got from my post? Jesus and I've been accused of missing the point.

Which century are you living in 🤣😂.

‘Little lady stays at home playing housewife like a 5 year old, not realising the stresses of the real world beyond her kitchen. If only she knew having a job and financial stress, not just buying bleach and arranging school runs 😢’.

Like I said (and you didn’t answer, you may not hear me in the 1950s), I’m far financially better off since leaving my ex. So I ask again, what purpose was he to me if it wasn’t for money and he fell far short of the mental load?

I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship so I don't know. I'd guess that your children being born were a huge good point though

OP you work ft..do you not notice sny other women working?
....why are your recent posts inferring that women in couples are doing the mental load instead of working ft (and the husband is providing the financial support) when in many cases the main bugbear is that they're doing it as well as working ft.