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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

494 replies

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 12:00

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 19/07/2023 14:17

Leave him and report him. If you can WfH, look anywhere where you can stay with the dogs. But leave.

StellaJohanna · 19/07/2023 14:19

DrSbaitso · 19/07/2023 13:57

It's a different world and culture.

What about the world and culture causes this kind of thing? I know it's a very hard and demanding job but that's not unique to farming...

It's the CULTURE and PRACTICE of how women not from farming families are lured in and treated. It was instantly recognisable. I don't care about your "whataboutery"

oatmilk4breakfast · 19/07/2023 14:20

This person is not your partner I’m afraid. That’s not how partnerships work.

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 14:20

Moveoverdarlin · 19/07/2023 14:06

No mention of who pays the rent or mortgage? Or are you committing fraud on that element too?

Why is he claiming single occupancy when you live there?

There is no mortgage as he paid the mortgage of way before I moved in.

The council tax is in his name and he has declared singly occupancy to pay less.

OP posts:
Wizzbangfizz · 19/07/2023 14:21

Christ almighty woman raise your bar!!! He saw you coming! Get out and report him for fraud to the council.

Purplebunnie · 19/07/2023 14:22

Chocolatelover2023 · 19/07/2023 14:20

There is no mortgage as he paid the mortgage of way before I moved in.

The council tax is in his name and he has declared singly occupancy to pay less.

But it is fraud to claim single occupancy, you don't seem to be getting this

MrsKeats · 19/07/2023 14:23

You can't pay less council tax if you fancy it.
Get a grip woman.

DimeStoreHooker · 19/07/2023 14:23

It seems like you have the money saved up to move?

GL with searching for somewhere.

StellaJohanna · 19/07/2023 14:23

Wizzbangfizz · 19/07/2023 14:21

Christ almighty woman raise your bar!!! He saw you coming! Get out and report him for fraud to the council.

She has already left

Jongleterre · 19/07/2023 14:24

You won't get back the eight years you've lost being under his control but if you leave him, you will have the rest of your own life ahead of you were you will no longer be controlled and are free to be your own person.

He sounds like the cruel master from a Victorian novel.

sadlittlelifejane · 19/07/2023 14:26

The rules are borderline abusive. Although the toilet rule is something I was brought up with as my dad is Australian, and they were brought up the same.

In terms of bills - I think it's maybe fair as you pay no rent on something he owns.. so the bills should be disproportionate.

Pets - depends whether they are yours or his. Who owned them before moving in? If he has no claim to them. He shouldn't be paying for them.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 19/07/2023 14:28

Just think how liberating and cheap life will be without him and then pack your bags.

Maizie83 · 19/07/2023 14:29

As many previous posters have rightly said, this is an abusive situation. And to those asking incredulously “why” someone would stay in a relationship like this … that’s an unfair judgement. Being in an abusive relationship erodes confidence over time, and gradually it devalues the person being abused, where it can sever your relationship to your instincts and worth. It might look easy from the outside looking in, but it’s often much harder for the person in the situation.

OP, you deserve so much better than this. I hope you can find the courage and resources to get out of this relationship.

Youdoyoutoday · 19/07/2023 14:30

Just honestly leave the bastard!!

You will never be happy with someone like this!! Run!!

empatheticpretzel · 19/07/2023 14:30

Don't report him for fraud. You knew about it for 8 years and you'll also be in trouble

TerfTalking · 19/07/2023 14:30

So are you not on the electoral register, and if
not why not?

FreeRider · 19/07/2023 14:31

@sadlittlelifejane I was born in Australia and spent the first 10 years of my life there, and never heard of that 'rule'...my Australian mother would have rather died than done that! And I think my French father would have divorced her for it...

I was however bought up being told how dirty Pommies were (tend to agree with that stereotype after nearly 40 years in the UK).

diddl · 19/07/2023 14:31

empatheticpretzel · 19/07/2023 14:30

Don't report him for fraud. You knew about it for 8 years and you'll also be in trouble

I wondered about that as well.

Hope that you manage to stay away now that you have got away.

PurpleGreenandWhiteAreTheNewPrimaryColours · 19/07/2023 14:33

I think, and I say this kindly, that you need to ask why you are allowing this situation before asking why he's like this.

He won't change, no matter what lovebombing may have gone on at the start.
Get. The. Fuck. Out.

Mama1209 · 19/07/2023 14:34

What on earth is going on here?! LEAVE about before you do, tell him and his parents you want X amount of money for your deposit on your next house or you will tell the council you have been living there while he’s claiming to be single! They sound like horrid, horrid people! But you have let them treat you like this. No more!!

ZebraDilemma · 19/07/2023 14:34

Ilovealido · 19/07/2023 12:04

OP I think your title is misleading. Your partner actually sounds abusive in a number of ways & his family sound like a nightmare. Get out & get out now!

This

BelindaBears · 19/07/2023 14:35

You deserve so much more than this. 36, most of your adult life is still ahead of you, please don’t spend it tied to this man.

Sonyrec · 19/07/2023 14:37

Just another one saying the answer to this is obvious.

AlwaysFrazzled88 · 19/07/2023 14:37

He is abusive. Only one shower a month?! You need to leave.

BodegaSushi · 19/07/2023 14:37

corblimeylove · 19/07/2023 13:28

So 45mins after your first post you left and are in another city already?

Yes very confusing thread