Partner is so greedy & costing me a fortune

[Chocolatelover2023]

I have lived in partner’s property for 8 years now and we agreed when I moved in that I would pay for the groceries, the Sky TV, broadband and the vets bills for the dogs we own.

Partner pays the council tax ( he pays single occupancy and gets a discount ), water, gas and electricity.

Now living here for the last couple of years has been like living like I’m back at home with my parents.

I am not allowed to have a bath.

I can only wash my clothes once a month ( I have to ask him before hand as he says the water pipes are often turned off? )

We sometimes eat in the dark and the lights are turned off after a certain time.

I am not even allowed to use the oven unless he is also putting something in the oven.

I can just about manage a shower a day for 10 minutes.

We cant flush the toilet unless someone has been for a number 2.

Toilet will then be flushed at the end of the day causing a horrific smell of urine in the bathroom.

My partner pays a month:

Electricity £60
Water £25
Gas £30
Council Tax £90

I pay a month:

Groceries £400
Dog food £40
Broadband £20
Sky £100
And also covering the vet bills, annual vaccinations, flea and worm treatment.

I do a weekly food shop averaging around £100 a week split at Aldi and Asda.

The food will be gone within 3/4days, as partner is so greedy and then complains there is no food in the house.

I try to limit what I eat to save money.

Partner will just eat what he wants.
He will use all the veg within days and the fridge will empty.

I will buy two huge bags of baking potatoes and they will be gone within 4 days as he will use 3/4 for one meal of jacket potatoes and the rest he will make mash/ roast potatoes with.

Hardly any left for me.

I cannot afford to keep doing these big weekly shops, he moans that he pays all the bills, but my bills are massive compared to his.

I have just paid £200 for my dog’s antibiotics who was ill last week.

He me his bank card and promised to me pay half but gave me the wrong PIN, so I had to pay all the bill myself.

Partner is very wealthy, he owns several Buy to Let’s and his parents are very rich too.

We have been arguing a lot lately as partner was annoyed I never got his dad a Fathers’s Day card/ present.
Again these things cost money, something partner does not seem to grasp.

I dont see why I should as I dont particularly like his dad and defo do not see him in a fatherly role, and plus I have my own dad!

I have suggested that I move out and get my own place as I cannot keep living like this.
His parents live next door and are always sticking there nose in our business.

Partner has just started a new job and his mum text me asking why I was not cooking for him.
I work full time myself, have to do all the cleaning and look after the dogs!

Partner has suffered from depression in the past ( so have I ) but living like this is really making me feel down, I feel like a prisoner.
I do not love him, not attracted to him and I have only stayed for my beautiful dogs who I love so much.

I really dont know what to do as partner will always make me feel guilty every time I have tried to leave in the past.

One bath. I assume (hope) that OP was able to have regular showers.

This is INSANE.

Dump him now, leave Victorian times, and rejoin the real world.

Also, he's committing council tax fraud. He has taken being miserly into criminal territory.

I’ve never written this before but for god’s sake LTB!!! He is an appalling person.

WTalmightyF are you still with this selfish arsehole?

That is my only question.

I went for 'you are being unreasonable' because you are being absolutely unreasonable for even THINKING of staying with this man. Get out now!

It's not whataboutery. For it to be whataboutery, I'd have to a) mention something else and b) ask "what about this?"

I'm not familiar with the farming world, so I'm asking what it is about it that causes this kind of thing. And I added my thought that it couldn't be because it's a hard job, because other hard jobs exist and apparently don't cause this phenomenon.

It was a genuine question that I had no idea was offensive. I still don't see why it's offensive, but I guess it is, so I'm probably not going to get an answer.

OK I get it now you have already left, temporarily. Don't go back, you deserve better, ffs anyone deserves better. Just go get your stuff. Good luck and take care.

Why on earth are you living with this dictator? Grab your dogs, and run! Just report him for committing fraud on the council tax though.

Eating in the dark? What part of the world are you in? Or do you only eat between 10 pm and 5 am?

What the fuck have I just read?!

You get one life. One. This is no way to live it.

Leave him. If he harasses you/your parents, report him to the police.

I feel like a prisoner.

Yes, that is what I thought of reading your post, but prisoners get to eat with the lights on, do their laundry more than once a month, etc.

Why on earth are you still with him. Have some self respect and move out. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You are worth so much more.

The only way I can see YABU is because you're still there! You're his GF, not a lodger.

I’’m not so sure.

It’s his name on the council tax account, it’s him signing the declaration to say he’s the only adult living there, and him neglecting to change that after OP moved in. I don’t see why she is liable.

Happy to be corrected if anyone can point to the regulations saying she is.

Cancel sky immediately. If he wants it, he can sort it.

Are you brainwashed, stupid or just one of those women who have to be with ANYONE rather than be on your own.
Crazy to put up with this shit. Crazy.

Please leave him for good. He is a liar with an unsanitary sounding lifestyle (I know lots of farmers and none of them restrict when the toilet is flushed) whose only purpose seems to be making you miserable whilst you pander to his every need.

Farmers are always mean. They tend to be asset rich (i.e. own lots of land and buildings) but cash poor (they don't get much for their produce as it is dictated by a handful of supermarkets / processors).

The industry has gone through massive changes in the past 40 years, with far fewer but much larger farms. Whereas 40 years ago the "farmer" would have been a privately educated gentleman who employed staff, they now find that they have to do the work themselves, and they are in a permanent state of entitled rage about this.

For loads of farms it is the farmer's wife who is the main breadwinner as she will be working off-farm doing something else. This feeds the farmer's rage even more, as he essentially has become a stay at home husband with an expensive hobby-business.

They absolutely hate spending money on anything outside of the business. The weight of the previous generations' work in building the farm up hangs upon them and they cannot bear the thought of being the one who folded up against the pressure. It makes them bitter, horrible, unforgiving people to live with.

This all within the context of an industry that frequently pays below the minimum wage, pays no business rates on commercial properties, gets subsidised fuel, has no MOTs on its vehicles, gets paid nearly £100 an acre per year just for owning land, and which pays no inheritance tax when the farm is handed down (usually to the eldest son, as farming culture still thinks it is 1880).

Ooh, actually, maybe I’m wrong:

I chose YABU because I cannot believe anyone would tolerate this amount of bullshit from their partner. Leave. Him.

I’d be out of there asap - after reporting him to the council, for council tax fraud. Quite frankly he sounds truly horrible.

Everything @Mummysalwaysright and @StellaJohanna have said about farmers is spot on. I’ve seen two friends marry, put up with and eventually divorce farmers & it’s all so shit. Tight, miserable bastards.

I am so glad OP has left, but what a waste of so many years. I hope the future is bright.

Absolutely this and save a large part of your monthly outgoings.

I'm glad you're staying with friends - do you have much stuff at his place? Would your friends help you collect your stuff and move out - don't tell him you're leaving as he'll make things harder for you. Or maybe move into your parents' home if that's possible whilst you sort yourself out? One problem I can see, however, is to do with the dogs whilst you don't own/rent your own property.

BTW: the day you move out change the passwords on Sky, Amazon, Netflix, broadband, your bank accounts any bills in your name whilst your sort out cancellations. Tell him after you've done this so he can arrange his own at his expense. Redirect your mail at least temporarily (to your friend's address if they agree). Takes about seven days online.

You really don't need this person or their interfering parents in your life. 🌹

How am I not surprised that you are much younger than him too. He preyed on someone younger who he could mold to what he wanted.

I'm glad you are seeing the light. Please get out before you waste any more of your life with this man.

Sounds horrible and miserly and mean

He is being abusive towards you as far as I am concerned