Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

If...and if...and even if, that is literally such an exaggeration that is completely irrelevant to the subject at hand.

PP have posted links to charities, you yourself have Google. No need to ask me you can work it out yourself

He has never really forgiven his father for saying that they should have abort the baby ... DH still thinks about what his father said

Your husband is being weird

She lied to you by not telling you she had cheated. She is not to be trusted.

Someone needs to look at the legal protections of the grad scheme to see if she can take maternity leave or defer. If not she should contact them to see if it is an option. Then she will know if this is still an option.

Haven't read the whole thread but I found out I was pregnant last year. No idea how far along I was as wasn't planned. I got a scan within 3 days

Absolutely, this is such important advice if you want to maintain a relationship with your daughter.

I don't need to google. I know the answers to these questions and no one is representing them correctly here.

Is she even actually pregnant? You can buy a scan photo on the internet that you can add your name and DoB. Could be the desperate act of a woman who's been caught cheating.....

TBH it's her mess, she's an adult, I'd be leaving her to sort it out.

You say she hadn’t lied to you before, well she has lied to you this time so who’s to say she hasn’t lied in the past?

It’s possible she’s also lied to her ex-bf as it’s easier to say it’s his baby than being pregnant by a one night stand (if it was a one night stand).

I feel sorry for her ex-bf and I don’t blame him for wanting to do nothing to do with her after cheating on him. Imagine if she’d given him STI. Awful

I think all you can do now is support her in whatever way she needs support. It sounds like it may be too late for an abortion so adoption may be something to consider, perhaps? It is definitely worth a Google to see if she can defer her entry to the grad scheme for a year.

As for the ex, he’s got a lot to get his head round. Give him some time. I would suggest she needs to be honest with herself about the likelihood of him being the father - can you look at some online due date calculators together to be sure, perhaps? Regardless, she can go to the CMS and he can deny he’s the dad and they can do a DNA test that way. It will be sensible to do a DNA test so they both know where they stand. She also needs to be honest with herself regarding her reasons for wanting to keep the baby - get rid of any romantic notion of the baby being a catalyst for reconciliation. The reality here is she’s having a child with someone who is angry and upset with her and who she is going to have to maintain some level of contact for the next 18 years. She might want that now - because it’s safe and what she knows - but encourage her to think more widely. How will she manage contact with dad long term? It’s very limiting, her desire to move with her work, work abroad, or anything else is determined by the relationship between dad and child. There will be a third person to consider continually.

There is more than one way to skin a cat. She can find work closer to home. Her life may have taken an unexpected turn but it’s not the turn itself that will determine the rest of her life.

If I was his mum, I'd hope he would wait till a dna test was done before he had any involvement given the circumstances.

Of course it's not too late for a termination. She's only 12 weeks gone.

OP A big worry is FAS. Your DD may not know about the risks she has taken and what it may have done to the fetus. My best pal has a son with severe FAS after a big drinking session at a wedding before she knew she was pregnant. One session. He will never be independent. I won't go on about it here, but she needs to know if she doesn't already, that there is a risk of this if she keeps the baby.

Not to mention getting a STD test quick smart.

@warpeacelove how are YOU, and your DH coping with this?
You sound incredibly supportive, your DD is lucky to have you. You say you are prepared to help her if she has the baby and stays in your area but is your house large enough for them both to live with you and do you work at the moment?
How would this affect YOUR lives? And do you have any other children?

You said she doesn't want an abortion and of course shouldn't be pressured into one. However she needs to really think about the future. She'll be a single mum, you helping for a year or 2 isn't going to help in the long run. How will she support herself? Where will she live? Will she work and if so, what childcare will she have? It's all those things she needs to think about too

This girl isn’t ready to have a baby.

She doesn’t want this, she doesn’t want that, she’s drinking and taking drugs while pregnant, has an implant while pregnant, she’s cheated on her bf, she’s lying to her parents.

She has a lot of growing up to do. Best not to drag a little baby into her mess.

So she's been 🍻 whilst pregnant too. If she's had a scan she must have known she's pregnant for at least 5 weeks because that is the wait once you go to see the midwife for the booking appointment. Was the holiday where she was drinking within the last 5 weeks? Is she sure she doesn't want an abortion? Drinking in pregnancy can cause FAS in a baby. I'm a Foster Carer and I look after a child with moderate learning disabilities caused by FAS. It will affect him his whole life. If your DD was drinking knowing she was pregnant she should consider if she is capable of putting her baby's needs first. I think she might have to choose between having the baby at home with your support and giving up her job or having an abortion and taking the job. I don't see how she can do both. Her exbf will have to wait if the baby is born to ask for a paternity test to see if it is his. If she admits to cheating it may well not be her exbf baby and she might have cheated earlier than you think.

Much as I hate to say it from the way she's been acting it sounds possible that she doesn't know who the father is. Otherwise as a smart girl I'm sure she'd be being a lot more adamant about her ex's legal and financial responsibilities towards his child.

I think you have to ask her gently if there's anyone else who could possibly be the father i.e. has had sex with her in the past 3 months.

If she's drinking and taking drugs potentially then I would suggest she be open about this when/if she sees the midwife (she should have seen them at 8 weeks so they will probably have her in pronto), they have loads of help on offer.

I can't say whether she should have an abortion or not, it's a horrible decision to have to take. But your daughter needs to be open with you and discuss calmly what the options are, how her life could REALISTICALLY be if she has the baby, and how the abortion would work if she decides not to. You can't allow her to waste more time by indulging her wishing that things were different - there is no world where she has the baby but doesn't do it as a single parent, is there?

She needs to sort this out on her own and you can be there to support her either way.
She's cheated and lied. Imagine that lad was your son?
His head must be a complete mess and his heart broken so he can react how he likes

Reading your posts OP my conclusions are:

1. she has been cheating for longer than a one night stand and BF has every reason not to believe her and isn't BU at all to want nothing to do with his cheating ex and possibly not his baby
2. she knew he might find out about the cheating and has made up the pregnancy to try and "trap" him which is why she asked what he'd do, to gauge if it would work, and hasn't changed her habits either. He's still NBU in this case.

You're blinded because it's your DD but it sounds like your eyes are opening. Support her where you can but be reasonable and try and help her see she's BU too

OP's daughter will expect OP and her husband to do everything. House her and the baby, all worktime childcare, holidays, night-time childcare. OP will still need her social life after all, won't she?

Hes hurt, angry and presumably young. Dd has got a lot to think about. Well done for being such a lovely mum.

Nothings stopping you from answering all your own questions then - post the statistics, risk rate etc.