Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

This sounds really messy. I would encourage her to think about the reality of life as a young single mum, and get some information about possible harm caused by her lifestyle choices. I think she will find it very hard to give up her current young persons lifestyle, for the baby focused one that’s needed. But it’s her choice, personally she does not sound mature enough.
as for her ex boyfriend, he’s not going to turn his life upside down when the baby might not be his. If she continues with the pregnancy, get a dna test.

I understand why you feel you need this information and it must be so hard to hear, but honestly, you don't.

She is a grown woman. She is responsible for herself and her own decisions. How she got to where she is, is just part of her story. You can choose to support her because she is your dd, but you don't have the right to find out all her deepest, darkest secrets.

She will feel very ganged up on and unsupported by you. It would have been better to let her tell you the truth in her own time.

So she's a liar, a cheat and a drug user. I think you need to leave the ex out of it for the moment. It's understandable that he doesn't want to support her when he has very good reasons to not believe her. Paternity can be determined later. She needs to grow up now and figure out how she is going to manage as a single parent if she is keeping the baby.

Hi OP, before your DD decides, please read up with her on Foetal Alcohol Syndrome. Children born with this have severe disabilities and this will be a very difficult road she was for her - and most possibly you if she ends up living with you.

she is running out of time for a termination but she really needs to face the truth of her situation.

You shouldn't have done this. You have just recently given him the news she is pregnant which he is no doubt trying to get his head around. This on top of dealing with a break up having found out she was cheating on him.

It's your daughter you should be dealing with not asking him to try and fill the gaps your daughter has deliberately omitted.

Poor bloke is getting no chance. Give him space.

Agree with others that the timings are all a bit suss.

She shouldn't give up on the job. If she decides to have to baby the civil service may allow her to defer.

In her position I think I'd have an abortion.

She needs to think about what the realistic scenario is going to be and base her decisions on that, and try not to let her heart completely overrule her head -

She will be raising the child alone
If her ex is involved it is likely to no more than EOW and CMS
If she takes the job opportunity she will have no local support and it is likely untenable
If she stays at home their will be less job opportunities
She is likely to be a single mum living in a flat somewhere with a tight budget at least short term
Make it clear what "supporting" her means - make it clear it does not mean you will raising the child either financially or practically
Talk about what it means when/if she meets new partners and how complex it will be and how careful she will need to be when a child is involved

She needs to look short and longterm what future she wants while she still has a choice, and either decision has tough times ahead.

What has happened with the ex is irrelevant, she needs to make a decision based on him not being there. I am not saying convince her to terminate, but make sure she knows and is prepared for reality of the huge change it will make to her future.

No I don’t think her ex is being unfair. I think he is entitled to keep his distance until the baby is born and paternity is established. At the point he will need to provide the financial support and you would hope have some relationship with the baby, although I don’t know if that will be the case.

I have never said this before on mumsnet as I have mixed feelings on it, but a termination feels like it would be the best option for her if she were open to it, things had been looking very promising for her before this.

I don’t blame him, but I suspect you probably don’t either now. If she has the baby and gets a dna test he will of course have to take some responsibility. What a mess, she’s lucky to have supportive parents. I’d point out the potential issues with drug and alcohol use especially in the period that the baby is forming all vital organs etc but ultimately the choice is hers.

I was a teen mum, and whilst your DD is a bit older it’s still a daunting prospect. My mum hit the roof (I was just 16, so understandable, my DD is 15 and I realise now how young I was) and it was a horrible time. Just support her, try and help out with practical stuff, like seeing if she could pause the civil servant grad place (I work for the CS and I’d guess not). She won’t get Mat pay as she won’t have been there long enough so it’s a lot to consider. I don’t think she understands how much she’s got to give up for a child given she’s been drinking and taking drugs whilst pregnant.

that said I went with a new friend when I just joined the CS for her to have an abortion. She had just moved miles from home and started a job with the CS. The timing wasn’t ideal. The hard thing is when she got married her DH was diagnosed with cancer soon after which meant they could never have children biologically. I know she regrets the abortion, given that she left the CS afterwards anyway

What a mess.
In this situation I'd encourage a dd to terminate. The drink, the drugs, the lies, an ex who doesn't want to know, it's a lifelong disaster in the making but it doesn't have to be. It would be unkind to bring a child into this.
Terminate, regretfully. Learn from it. Put your life back together, OP's dd, and go on to be happy.

How likely @AvanGelist, how severe? What kinds of risk? What outcomes, with what frequency?

The OP, like you, should leave this aspect to a clinical professional with whom @warpeacelove 's daughter can be honest in a confidential and non-judgemental setting.

Alarmist and judgemental comments aren't going to help anyone here.

@warpeacelove you and your DH need to also discuss if you are prepared to help raise another child (and the possibility of a disability from alcohol and drugs) as your DD clearly isn’t mature enough to be a parent yet.

I don’t agree with pp who say that you shouldn’t have contacted the ex bf, because it seems that was going to be your only way to find out the truth. If abortion is an option the decision will need to be made quickly and it’s better you know the facts now.

Hi OP, in your shoes I'd be getting her some urgent pregnancy counselling. Honestly I'd be telling her that my advice would be to abort but that I'd help support either way.

She sounds like she's in freefall, honestly. She's been unfaithful. She's lied to you and her then-partner. She's used drugs and got drunk repeatedly while knowing she was pregnant. Aside from the possibility that the foetus is already injured from her behaviour, she's just not mature enough to be a mum and she should do the right thing and abort so that she doesn't mess up a child's life.

She has a good job lined up and could have the abortion and go to start a life in a new place (with better contraception).

I have a dear friend who got accidentally pregnant in her early 20s and kept the baby despite being single, due to her Catholic mum's strong urging. Her mum (baby's grandmother) promised to be there with her every step, etc.

Except as it turned out her dad (baby's grandad) had a stroke so needed 24 hour nursing. Mum had no capacity to help at all and my friend did it alone. She has never had a long term relationship, her career has been curtailed, she is the only one of my friends still renting in her 40s, etc. Being a single mum has constrained every aspect of her life. Don't let your DD make the life changing irrevocable decision to have a baby while her head is a mess.

Wish you all the best.

I cannot believe this is the not only of a hideous comment like this.

No, she does not need to have an abortion because she cheated fs.

OP, your daughter has cheated , potentially lied and it's not ideal. As Pp said give it time to settle and see what happens. Support her.

I'm more appalled at the number of women jumping on to kick her.

OP, why on EARTH did you do that! You will have completely broken your trust with your daughter and he could be lying for England. I cant believe you did this.

Your DD is too young and immature to be a single mother. She cheated on her bf and quite understandably he wants nothing to do with her. Do not contact her BF again or dog any deeper.

She has a good career ahead of her and she is throwing it away. I would encourage her to think about abortion or at least seek counselling in that regard.

Yes poor him 🙄🙄

People being so harsh here. Saying the OPs daughter is lying about her timings and scan, the OP has seen the pictures!

Yes, it seems unfair at the moment OP but I'm guessing her ex is in shock and is also coming to terms with her cheating, he might not mean what he says but I can understand him asking for a DNA test under the circumstances. Let the dust settle a little and things might be different. Sounds like you're being a great support to her.

There is such a thing as a private scan appointment - why does everyone only ever relate to their own experiences?

totally possible she did a test last week and immediately got a private scan booked in within the week.

Not to say she isn’t being untruthful about the timelines but it’s totally viable story.

If ex is the dad then he can be in as much shock as he likes but ultimately if the baby is his and she is keeping the pregnancy then he’ll have to get his head around it eventually. Give him space and time,

In (some) mitigation for your daughter, I was a total idiot at her age too, and also got pregnant by a fellow complete idiot (but had an abortion). It happens. I did tell my parents but certainly not the whole story - god no - then got on wiht my life and am now a responsible bill-paying adult with children I adore. It would have been a bad mistake to have a baby in my wildchild skint days before I'd established my career. So maybe you don't need to be too hard on her for not telling you the truth, as I doubt she wants to confide in you that she's been doing drugs and sleeping around, and that doesn't actually mean she's sold her soul to Satan either - BUT why does she want this baby? She's not in any position, financially or emotionally, for parenthood. She's been behaving like she's not pregnant up to this point. What makes her think that having the baby is a good idea? Does she think it's some kind of penance for being a wildchild?

I think the trust between mother and daughter has long gone due to the lies said daughter has already told. I'd also be inclined to believe the heartbroken boyfriend hasn't much reason to lie now has he? I don't necessarily agree with the decision to contact him though I can see why OP has.

The problem here though is , if what the OP has been told is true the child is likely to be born significantly disabled.
Just a child is fine but this probably means the OPs daughter is consigned to life as carer

Does your arm hurt with that reach?

It is nobody but dd decision.

Ok, you need a pragmatic head on.

She knew she was pregnant two months ago. She sent that text to her ex then.

She most likely doesn't know if it's his, or the guy she's been cheating with. She can hazard a best guess, but if there were only a couple of weeks between "partners" around the estimated conception time, she honestly can't know.

For the last two months, she's been getting "wasted" on alcohol and cocaine. This hugely increases the likelihood of birth defects and disability. No, it doesn't mean there will be something wrong. But she's done everything to enormously increase the chance. And is she prepared to raise a child with those additional needs, having to know she essentially caused them?

She's been beyond stupid in many senses. Incredibly immature. In that immature sense, I wonder if there is an element that she thinks if she has the baby, people will think it's all so lovely that suddenly everything will be alright.

It takes a lot for me to think an abortion is the right thing to do. But given everything, I truly think it is.