Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

She's treated her boyfriend really really badly and to be honest I think he deserves a clean break from her. He will be doubting everything now.

In terms of the pregnancy, if she's been drinking such a lot that she makes bad decisions, has been taking cocaine and having sex with strange men, then I think she should have an abortion.

I also think she should see a counsellor to discuss her bad life choices and destructive behaviour.

Did she know she was 8 weeks pregnant when she had sex with the other chap?

And how will that work with a toddler to look after?

She’s very immature and irresponsible, no way should she have a baby.

There is no way to say the baby is his at this point. She may not be able to track the father down so cm is not guaranteed

You are way, way too involved in their relationship. Directly messaging her ex to check up on her account is beyond weird and definitely an overstep.

Your role is to comfort and support your dd. It isn't actually your concern who she's sleeping with. She can't choose that her ex steps up to be a father, so she has to choose between going it alone (and, I imagine, giving up her work prospects in London) and an abortion.

I don't think she is responsible enough to be a parent given that she gas taken cocaine & been drinking heavily whilst knowing she could possibly be pregnant.

She is nowhere near mature enough for motherhood. I wouldn’t be offering to support her, or for her to stay at home etc. I’d be making it clear that if she chooses to have the baby, she’ll be doing so alone. Don’t make it the easy option to keep it. A termination is the right option here, especially since the baby could already have problems…

True but who gets a scan that quickly to see how far along.

You are overstepping by a ridiculous amount. Reading your first post it sounds like you told him she was pregnant, you didn't tell him first did you? He is not unreasonable for breaking up with her, nor is it unreasonable to not outright believe he is the father. I'm sure he is in shock and might come around over time, you should support your daughter but it's very odd behaviour to be texting him and whatever else.

At that age you can be irresponsible while you don’t have any responsibilities. If she decides to keep t the baby I’m sure she’ll grow up pretty quick. I did. No one would have ever called me responsible before getting pregnant with dd, I’m fact the exact opposite. I got my shit together for her and have been a good parent.

so it can be done. But it’s up to OPs dd what she wants to do. What she doesn’t need is so much judgment right now. Yeah she’s made some mistakes, but that doesn’t mean she can’t get it together now.

Its Time you stopped pussyfooting around her. Lying, burying her head in the sand are compounding the situation and the longer she’s ‘too upset’ to face the harsh realities, the harder it will be for her.

You need to be specific about how you will support her, she may have expectations of you and her father that you won’t or can’t meet. Be very clear how far your financial support would stretch, how much childcare you could provide.

The decision to abort or keep her child is hers and hers alone but I would encourage her to talk to a professional, so that she can make an informed decision.

Leave her Ex alone, only a DNA test can determine if he’s the father or not and given her behaviour and inability to be truthful, he has been sensible in not wanting to engage with her.

I agree with others that timing sounds odd, something about the story isn't adding up. But taking what she's said at face value, I too think an abortion could be the better option. The fast stream (civil service grad scheme) is challenging and will take up most of your time if you want to succeed so doing that plus baby will be hard and your dd is likely to feel she's failing at both parenting and her career. That said the CS is a flexible employer committed to inclusion so I suspect where they can they will make allowances for her e.g. they offer placements outside of London so it could well be that she could be based at/near home for most of the scheme (she'd want to do at least one London based job to get a proper CS experience working closely with Ministers/on Whitehall). I'd support her to come to a decision on the baby irrespective of job, then work out how to mak3 the job fit with that.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Also I'd say her ex is not being unfair, she's behaved terribly and really hurt him. He needs time. I wouldn't bank on him coming back, I don't think many would, though I'd hope he would step up for the baby.

It occurs to me that it's just possible she may be lying about the pregnancy. If she is devastated by a recent break up, and her boyfriend has blocked her everywhere, she needs a dramatic reason to get him to speak.

Yep a lying, cheating cocaine taking mummy-protected fast track civil servant who only stops when she's found out. It's not as if she potentially fucking up other people's lives.
I'm sure mumsnet can rationalise that all away for you.

I doubt his reaction will stick- let him get over the shock. Definitely do a DNA test and show him that; and do all you can to support your daughter and him to have a civil relationship at the very least. Perhaps there is some hope for them- I think those saying she cheated so he’s in the right and being very harsh. They’re young and she’s made a mistake by cheating. He doesn’t have to be an arsehole to her given all that’s happened. Time to grow up pronto. If I was in your shoes @warpeacelove I’d take the extra boyf out for lunch or a drink and try to calm the waters. Huge shock for him and he’s clearly in a bad place heartbroken etc. Id be asking DD if she’s certain it’s his, and then I’d be doing all I could to build bridges in all directions and helping them to all slowly reconnect. Best of luck to you xx

What a mess you must be beside yourself.
Can she access some support there used to be Brook Advisory clinics who offered counselling to under 25s.
Realistically if she proceeds with pregnancy she’ll be on her own. Is that what she wants?
I wouldn’t give place up on scheme either defer or look at maternity leave.
What childcare benefits would she be entitled to as a single mum in London.
Also if she’s been drinking and drugs there’s a risk to baby, a baby with additional needs would bring even more challenges.

The *EX boyf not the extra!

For what it's worth, I'm my experience, doing coke while drinking keeps you more alert and feeling sober. It doesn't generally cause memory lapses, so I'm not sure I'd buy this "not remembering" if she slept with the first guy. Also if you've been out getting hammered, had sex and woken up next to a random bloke, there'd typically be some clues for you to piece together - Naked? Semen leakage (sorry)? The other person's memory?

They both supposedly don't remember if they had sex?

I think she's still trying get away with confessing as little as possible.

If I were her ex I wouldn't touch her with a stick. There's a fair chance it's not his child so unless she keeps it and a DNA test proves it's his, I'd be staying well out of it if I were him. She clearly has no love or respect for him to treat him like that.

She's made poor decision after poor decision possibly in the hope she'd have a miscarriage - shagging, boozing and snorting when she already thinks/knows she's pregnant? It's the sort of reaction I'd expect from a young teenager, not a 21 year old.

Support her regardless but she needs to understand that her ex is done with her, whatever the outcome. So she'll be a single parent to a child she's potentially damaged through drink/drugs/STDs.

What a mess.

I think your daughter is still lying.

Good luck.

Has she told the midwife that she is drinking large amounts of alcohol and is a cocaine user?

The civil service fast track grad scheme is very competitive and full on. I cannot see how she will be able to bring up a baby alone and do that as well. Presumably OP does not live in London so housing and childcare costs will be through the roof.

Quite apart from the increased risk of a disabled child due to drinks and drug use in early pregnancy your DD does not sound mature enough to bring a child up alone. I think she needs counselling on the risks of FAS and drug use in pregnancy. As she is your DD still no matter how irresponsibly she has acted I would still support her but stress if she is bringing a child into the world then she will be the one looking after them. No trips to Alicante or Greece or nights out boozing with her friends. I think she deserves all she gets from her ex as she has behaved terribly.

She cheated out in Greece, and her boyfriend found out from him? It's a small world sometimes.

Anyway it might be worth looking into paternity tests now, so that if it is her ex's baby they can communicate and decide how they want to proceed when the baby is born. I believe they can be done in first trimester via cheek swabs?