Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

she is running out of time for a termination but she really needs to face the truth of her situation

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Tbh OP, you seem way too invested in the finer details here. When where what how and who - isn’t your business.

Your DD doesn’t need to justify her whereabouts and actions to you. She is an adult.

Don’t message her ex. Don’t pry her or him for any other information.

All you can do is be an open and non-judgmental listener. Support her without being invasive. Sign-post her to her GP and BPAS who will be able to give her professional advice and options.

If she doesn’t want an abortion she needs to be prepared to do this without his support. If he were my son I’d be advising him to run a fucking mile. I agree with a PP that the civil service fast stream isn’t really compatible with being a single parent to a very young child so deferring might not be realistic either. She needs to understand what she’s giving up for the foreseeable future by choosing to have this baby and it doesn’t sound like she does.

It sounds like she is giving it a bit more sensible thought now OP, and I hope you are holding up ok as well. It must be such a shock to you as well as her.

I don't know if she did this at the private clinic but she needs an STI check regardless of what she decides to do with the baby.

I think you need to let her emotions settle down . She has a few issues to deal with . Her new job won’t cover maternity leave as a an example so how will she deal with it . Can she try and find a job closer to you ? She needs help with childcare and those months she doesn’t get maternity leave . The ex is hurt and will probably come around and if not , his loss regarding the baby ,she can get him to pay child maintenance anyway .

It doesn't have to be a done deal it just has to be something she acknowledges and is prepared for. It is a chaotic system. If you close your eyes and run across the road and live it doesn't mean it's safe and that will be okay the next time you do it. You drink in pregnancy and get away with it. Or the damage hasn't shown yet. The next time maybe not so lucky. Well worth taking the time to research this

@warpeacelove Really sorry you are all in this difficult situation.

I havent read all the responses so not sure if its been mentioned but can your DD not do the civil service scheme here in North West? If shes already been offered a post, ask can they place her more local in a north west office - thats a possibility. She then has the security of the job/income and is close to family for support. X

She can defer her Civil Service fast stream place for a year or two. It’s not a big issue.

I would be gently encouraging an abortion. Sounds like she is immature and not ready for motherhood.

She has so much to lose.

If she defers her job for 12months, how she is going to afford rent and childcare in the south east?

I knew numerous girls who got pregnant at university and got abortions. They all went on to have good careers and families when they were financially and emotionally ready and, crucially, when they were in supportive, stable relationships.

You need to climb down from your high horse. Let’s hope none of your kids ever make a mistake. I can imagine the support they’d end up getting.

Firstly I’m so sorry for your daughter and she’s so young and we have all done stupid stuff at that age birth thankful not ended up pregnant .

IMO he isn’t being unreasonable though.

My DH had an unexpected pregnancy with his ex and at that time she was an ex. He got back with her. When pregnant she told him she had cheated on him but because it the timings it was his.

It always messed with his head and as you can imagine it was toxic.

She broke his trust so as harsh as it sounds she isn’t entitled to the ‘benefit’ of him being there for her for the pregnancy as loving relationships would be.

Hopefully in time he will be able to come round and appreciate his child but give him time. Sadly even if they give it a go, I think it’s low odds of it being a normal loving family situations. That is sad.

So sorry OP. It will all work out in the end. Even if she has to raise baby alone that’s not necessarily a bad thing. My sister has done it and child and her are amazing x

She says she doesn't want an abortion but doesnt want to do it alone. In this situation it's either one or the other.

As for the ex, your daughter shouldn't of cheated. She only has herself to blame for everything. I feel for the boyfriend. I don't feel for your daughter. She shouldn't be lying.

I don't blame her ex at all. If she keeps the baby they can do a DNA test to figure out paternity. I would suggest she has counselling through the family planning/ abortion clinic. It doest mean she has to have an abortion but it's worth talking through her options and felling with someone external.

I’d encourage her to book in for some counselling.

and to start the process to find an abortion clinic asap (many of them offer counselling so could be the same process) so she has that option available.

at 12 weeks she doesn’t have a lot of time to make a decision and an appointment booked can be cancelled, rather than scramble around trying to make one.

while remaining neutral is also be encouraging her to think hard about the reality of her choices.

the civil service job sounds like an excellent life changing opportunity

being a single parent from the get go is huge, etc.

id also tell her some honest stories.

from my life, i have two close friends that had an abortion in her third year at university. Both on to very successful fulfilling careers that would not have been possible as a single mum.

15 years later is both now settled in a happy stable relationship and a Lee great mums to the children they went on to have.

And the unprotected sex...

If this were a man, and someone said "What a prince!", nobody would be shouting misandry.

I feel bad for your DD, she's made some terrible choices but we all do at that age, she's been caught out big time though. That said if it was my son who was the ex I'd be encouraging him to have nothing to do with her and I don't say that lightly 🤷‍♀️💐

IfShe needs to properly look at the calendar and think about when she could have conceived.

I’m currently 10.5 weeks pregnant, from sex mid cycle w/c 15 May.

The February and June dates both seem irrelevant.

Obviously though if her ex really is the only viable father she would still have a hard time convincing, as there’s no trust left.

And how is she going to afford childcare whilst living in London as a single parent. Dream on.

Do you seriously think that this serially-cheating woman, who does cocaine and drinks when she knows she's pregnant, then lies to her mother about it all, is ready to have a baby?!

A termination is really not the end of the world.

What a mess OP. Don't message the ex for now just give him space. What your DD needs to remember that relationships often break down or are not the same after a baby. Did she really want to spend the rest of her life with him? It doesn't sound like your DD is ready to give up her life she's so young!

I was a mum at 24, planned I wanted to be a young mum I definitely felt the squeeze though when friends went out whilst I was pregnant. Not just that lifes a lot harder with a baby

That job is a great opportunity she might never get again. I would think she should do whatever she can not to miss out on it.

In response to your thread title, no, your daughter’s ex is not being unfair. He’s been lied to and cheated on and not just once. I do agree with the posters that have said that you need to focus on supporting your daughter, but how on earth can you believe anything she says now? And, if I’m being honest, you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to be the one left holding the baby when she realises how hard being a single parent is and wants her life back.

Vast amounts of alcohol and cocaine .

I'd advise a termination asap if this was my daughter.

But on the upside she does have a place on the civil service grad scheme - as you mention!

Her bf’s reaction is valid, he’s found out his gf is pregnant and has cheated on him twice that he knows of, which is very hurtful for anyone to go through. He should get a DNA test, if your DD decides to continue with the pregnancy. Your DD has behaved appallingly, regardless, she still needs your support.