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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DDs ex being unfair

470 replies

warpeacelove · 18/07/2023 16:19

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

OP posts:
Clymene · 18/07/2023 18:57

If my summary is correct, then she doesn't want this baby but she's just hoping it all goes away in a very childish way. But unfortunately pregnancy doesn't work like that. Support her in having a termination. She doesn't have much time and it will be much more difficult the longer she leaves it

Katey83 · 18/07/2023 19:01

This all sounds quite implausible as others have pointed out. Something isn’t right - either she knew before last week and had the scan yesterday, or the whole thing is a manipulative ruse to get you to reach out to her ex. I imagine the timings of the cheating are also a lie. I would be very clear with DD that if she isn’t totally honest with you from now forward it’s not going to be possible for you to support her. Certainly, she can’t expect her ex to do anything other than wait until baby is born and request a DNA test. If the baby is his, he will legally need to provide for it. He owes her nothing right now however, as he can’t trust a word that she says and given the details you posted here, nor should you!

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 19:01

Whoever ends up with her will be a lucky, lucky guy.

Gilmorehill · 18/07/2023 19:02

After reading about the drinking and taking cocaine, I’d be really concerned about damage to the baby 😕.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 18/07/2023 19:03

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 19:01

Whoever ends up with her will be a lucky, lucky guy.

People make stupid mistakes especially when they’re young. There’s no need to be nasty.

Strawberryfieldsforever12345 · 18/07/2023 19:03

Not ok.

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2023 19:03

Clymene · 18/07/2023 18:57

If my summary is correct, then she doesn't want this baby but she's just hoping it all goes away in a very childish way. But unfortunately pregnancy doesn't work like that. Support her in having a termination. She doesn't have much time and it will be much more difficult the longer she leaves it

This. If she terminates she can draw a line under all this and start again. It’s the best thing for all concerned.

thedancingbear · 18/07/2023 19:04

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 19:01

Whoever ends up with her will be a lucky, lucky guy.

What misogynistic shite. You never made a mistake?

PowerBMI · 18/07/2023 19:05

Takeitonthechin · 18/07/2023 18:56

If she gives her job up, she won't get maternity leave pay.
No disrespect but she doesn't seem mature enough to have a baby if she's cheating on her boyfriend, does she really want a baby, because if she's thinking this is a way of him coming back to her, when she's already ruined the trust she had, plus, did she really love him to cheat on him.
She's either going to have to make up her own mind, sounds like you're going to have your hands full with a baby if she goes ahead and has this.
I'm afraid she's got herself into this mess

She doesn’t start the job until September. She won’t get mat pay

Totaly · 18/07/2023 19:05

I’m not sure why everyone is turning detective!

She’s young, single and pregnant - the rest is irrelevant.

Deal with the facts and stop judging her.

What you should be doing as a parent is supporting her choices and at the moment you are being judgmental.

She needs facts about her future choices - help her with those and stop messaging people (just for a second how would you feel is someone you thought you could trust went behind your back and messaged your DH?) Terrible behaviour -
Wonder where DD she got it from?

FatCatBum · 18/07/2023 19:05

So if the other guy beat her to it in telling her boyfriend she cheated with him in Greece, because they were all out drinking together it was clearly someone they both knew and not some random holiday encounter

Was it the same bloke she woke up with in February? If so, based on her other behaviour and the 'what would you do if I was pregnant' message, I think the ex is quite right not to trust a single word she says

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 19:06

thedancingbear · 18/07/2023 19:04

What misogynistic shite. You never made a mistake?

Show quote history

Which mistake are you referring to - the first affair, the second affair, the cocaine, the binge drinking or the pregnancy?

Rosecoffeecup · 18/07/2023 19:09

Does she actually want a baby? It certainly doesn't sound like she's ready for one. I would remind her of her options.

In terms of her grades scheme offer, can she defer or transfer? There's a number of CS offices in the NW I think? She may be able to attach to a different location to London.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/07/2023 19:10

ThinWomansBrain · 18/07/2023 18:21

At 21 she is an adult and the choice is hers to make.

If so adult, maybe she should stop lying, sleeping around, drinking heavily while pregnant, and behaving like a stroppy teenager in 'refusing' to speak to OP.

Maybe she should, but that doesn't stop her being an adult.

TiaraBoo · 18/07/2023 19:11

To answer the original question, I don’t think ex is ‘reacting’ unreasonably. once he’s calmed down the sharing the information on the dating scan should prepare him that he will be a father.
Once baby is born and a DNA test confirms he is a father, then it would be unreasonable for him not to have something to do with the baby. But what would that ‘something’ be? They could be at opposite ends of the country and he also won’t be supporting your DD if that’s what she’s looking for as well.

If it was my DD, I’d want her to be clear on what her future life /future options will look like and how will she do that looking after a baby as a single parent.

thedancingbear · 18/07/2023 19:11

Mikimoto · 18/07/2023 19:06

Which mistake are you referring to - the first affair, the second affair, the cocaine, the binge drinking or the pregnancy?

Show quote history

The pregnancy. Everything else is pretty trivial. Kids drinking, doing drugs and shagging is as old as the hills. Nothing to suggest she won’t be a lovely to someone when she’s older.

why stick the boot into a young woman when she’s down? What does it say about you?

Beautiful3 · 18/07/2023 19:13

Honestly I'd be encouraging her to get an abortion. Having it and becoming dependent on her mum, would be terrible for her. She's so young and still has the world to see. You need to forget about the ex, he's never going to get involved. Encourage her to get rid. She can have children later on, when she has a committed partner and financially stable.

Likewhatever · 18/07/2023 19:15

She has her head in the sand OP and she needs to face reality, and quickly, The ex isn’t interested - I don’t blame him - so however much she wants him to be involved, he isn’t going to be.

Unless you see yourself as unpaid full time childcare for the foreseeable I wouldn’t be too supportive of her keeping the baby. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but she hasn’t shown herself to be responsible enough for parenthood without a lot of support. Are you and your DH really up for that?

ikno · 18/07/2023 19:18

Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair?

eh? I get that you’re going through a hard time but I think you’re putting unnecessary pressure on her ex. He’s allowed to split up with her, that’s not being “unnecessarily unfair”, what more is he supposed to do? There’s nothing stopping her from moving back to London and house sharing. She doesn’t HAVE to live with him. The solution to this is not him taking her back.

The pregnancy is a separate matter. If he’s the father she can go through CMS but she can’t force him to be in her life.

If she continues with the pregnancy I’d highly recommend she drops the civil service role. They run that grad scheme every year and it lasts 3 years - it’s an intensive scheme designed to propel people forward in a short time so it will be high pressure and she will be based in different departments and locations so it will not be stable. I doubt she will get the most out of it if she’s spending part of those 3 years on maternity leave. It would be better for her to have the child and join CS. She would be better off even getting a non graduate role at civil service, as at least she will be more likely to be able to get flexible working.

StellaJohanna · 18/07/2023 19:19

I'm worried for the OP. If DD decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, unless her DD has a complete personality change, OP and her DH will be financing and taking care of this child and DD for the foreseeable future! Rents are sky high. There are no council houses to hand out!

Strawberryfieldsforever12345 · 18/07/2023 19:24

I getting the impression the DD would be fine and most definitely not looking for a council house

MrsSunshine2b · 18/07/2023 19:25

It's understandable he doesn't want anything to do with her, but like it or not, the baby is his. He still has a responsibility to at the very least pay CM she can legally enforce that. I would prepare him for her claiming that as she'll need it. The civil service is very good for supporting mothers but even then going it alone will be hard and she has a long road ahead of her.

Dibbydoos · 18/07/2023 19:26

The hardest lesson to learn is that you reap what you sow, OP and we all learn it one way or another.

Her ex owes her nothing until DNA testing proves its his child, so I would say that to him and leave it.

Yoyr offer of putting your DD and baby up for a while is very supportive - I hope she chooses that option.

Whatever happens your DD needs to be the one to make the decisions. Good luck to her and you all.

JudgeRudy · 18/07/2023 19:27

Something doesn't add up here. She suddenly finds out she's pregnant and then miraculously gets a scan days later and finds out she's 12 weeks gone all the time whilst using the implant?
If she has irregular periods what made her think she was pregnant. Are you sure she didn't do it on purpose maybe to save a flagging relationship.
I don't blame the ex for not wanting a part in this. He must be in shock.
As far as your daughter is concerned I think moving to London is a stupid idea if she's gonna keep the baby. What does she mean by not wanting to do it on her own? Is she asking you and her dad for support? What shape would that take? Could she find a home locally so you can be nearby.
In my eyes the best option would be a termination but sounds like she's against it. Adoption?
Does she think he might take her back. That's unlikely.
What a mess.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/07/2023 19:28

There are so many women who've drunk alcohol or taken drugs when pregnant and haven't ended up with a severely disabled child.
Obviously it's a massive risk if you do and it's unfair on the baby, but let's not pretend this is a done deal.

I drank heavily through my first trimester before I knew I was pregnant. DS is 6 and has no health problems (other than hayfever). I'm not saying that others should follow my example but let's not pretend it's a done deal.