Is DDs ex being unfair

[warpeacelove]

Hi,
So I'm not sure if I am being biased and just worried about DD. DD is 21, just graduated uni, she has a job lined up for September (civil service grad scheme). She is usually a very smart, logical, loving girl.
She came home last week, distraught, she and her boyfriend of a year and a half had broken up, didn't want to talk about why and I didn't pry.
Last night she was extremely quiet, had been out in the afternoon, didn't want dinner etc.
This morning she came into my room, 5am sobbing, DH took himself to the guest room and she told me is 12 weeks pregnant, she went to her scan yesterday alone etc. She told me she had done a pregnancy test last week but didn't think she was as far along, her periods are irregular, she has the implant etc. She then said that her ex has blocked her everywhere, she doesn't want their mutual friends to get involved so could I message him and say its important.
He eventually replied, and it turned out DD has failed to give me really important information, she cheated on him, DD has now told me it happened once, on a holiday 4 weeks ago with one of her uni societies , there is no way the baby's dad is anyone other than her ex.
He is refusing to hear DD, I ended up having to tell him on a phone call that DD is pregnant to which he said "probably not mine and If it is I don't care".
Now I know DD messed up badly, she shouldn't have cheated but right now she clearly needs support. We live in the North West she studied in and in theory will be working in London, so if she goes back for the job she will have no support at all. I ended up calling in sick to my own work as DD was so upset I couldn't leave her alone, she has spent all day sad in bed.
She doesn't want an abortion, also doesn't want to do it totally alone, doesn't expect her ex to forgive her or get back together but atleast be there for his child.
I'm trying to convince her to just stay at home, give the job up, DH and I can support her for a year or two, then she can find something locally and we can support her. She isn't convinced, doesn't think there will be many jobs her Politics and Economics degree will be useful for in the rural north west (was thinking maybe local council or similar).
Is DDs ex being unnecessarily unfair? Or does DD deserve all she is getting, she did cheat after all!!
I'm terrified for her so goodness knows how awful she will be feeling!!

Poor thing. Hope she’s ok. And you of course 🤍

How dramatic! If it was my son I would be encouraging to find out via dna is the baby is his and of it is, take his responsibilities seriously. Of course the choice to abort or keep is 1000000% hers.

You can’t blame her boyfriend at all for the way he’s acted. Your dd cheated, he found out and now she’s pregnant. From past behaviour he thinks she’s cheated before so doubts the baby is even his.

if your dd decides to keep the baby then he may come around in time. Not necessarily get back with your dd, I’m not sure that would even be a good idea given the history, but at least be there for the child.

whatever your dd decides it sounds like you will support her and that’s good. She’s 21 not 15 and having a baby is really not the end of the world. I had dd1 at 19 and have since gone on to have a good career and life in general. If she decides to abort, then that’s also ok. She will move on, move to London and get on with her life. It’ll all work out as it should, just be there for her.

@warpeacelove when was the Greece holiday?

The can’t just stick her head in the sand.
neither should she be coerced or advised to have an abortion whilst vulnerable

but she does need to take responsibility and get some counselling - the drugs, lack of responsibility, cheating all need to be looked at - very destructive behaviour.

The way she treated her boyfriend and the lies are shocking

in his situation right now I wouldn’t be supporting her and paying CMS only after a dna test.

Early June

No one qualified to give this information could give stats based on the info on this thread.

You said it was likely.

It's actually not likely. Likely generally means more bad outcomes than good and that isn't actually true.

Accurate statistics will depend on the frequency, level of consumption, how many weeks pregnant at the time, which substances, where they came from...and numerous other variables. Once the OPs daughter speaks to a professional she'll get estimates around the expected risk based on actual data.

"Likely" is alarmist and false. And does, as another poster suggested, indicate that you really don't understand statistics and the information you are providing so assuredly.

The Civil Service Fast Stream is quite a full on job and to be completely honest I can't imagine it being compatible with having a young child, even if they did allow her to defer. It's not something you could realistically do part time, for example. But that doesn't mean there won't be other Civil Service opportunities in your area, lots of Departments are moving staff out all over the UK now.

I don't think that it's useful to assign blame at the mo. It is what it is. I don't think that her ex is being unreasonable though. She cheated, They're not together. He's only 21 too and now expected to co-parent a baby that he neither wants not believed is his.
Going to London is not an option. The civil service are fantastic for being flexible and inclusive. She should speak to them and see if she can defer her place for a year. In the meantime she could get a job in the civil service or local govt locally. Check out civil service.com/jobs. However, off the top of my head, you have to have been in a job for 6 months to qualify for paid maternity leave. I could well be wrong, things may have now changed, but it's worth looking into that.

If she keeps the child is she prepared to deal with fetal alcohol syndrome?? This is almost a certainty.Any drinking can cause it and if she binges ....

So she woke up in bed with one guy and doesn't know if they slept together, continued seeing her boyfriend, went to Greece, cheated, then says she found out she was pregnant?

So even if she now knows she was pregnant before Greece, there is still a possibility that her ex isn't the father? If so, I can't really blame him for not really wanting anything to do with her or the baby right now. It all sounds like a bit of a mess.

There are quite a few streams and it depends on which one she's got. A generic 'project delivery /finance' entirely plausible to work in the NW
Houses of Parliament not so much.

Some harsh comments on here 😞You can't know she is lying, if she didn't know when he last period was and has an inplant she would have been offered a dating scan. She may also have been considering termination which would have resulted in a quick dating scan.

The ex may come around, you have no control over that so just let it be. You also can't make the decision for your daughter but can give her advice, maybe help her look at a pros and cons list for staying home or going to London. Let her know about the challenges and practicalities of parenting. She will need to consider childcare. I work a 9-5 but still couldn't do it without extra help with childcare as due to travel time I can't always be there for the time nursery closes. How will she manage London prices on maternity leave, she may only be entitled to SMP.
What support does she think she will have in London? Uni friends may seem like they will be friends for life but that's not often the case, especially when baby comes along. I had my first at 21 and lost contact with about 90% of my friends.

Sounds like she has a supportive mum so you just keep being you, I wish you both all the best.

I don't think he's unreasonable. In the space of a fortnight he found out his long-term partner cheated on him and she is pregnant.

His head is likely to be a mess. He needs time.

If he did want to support your daughter he's not likely to trust her.

It's a big mess at the momemt but its not the end of the world,.

I'd be thinking of next steps without his involvement at the moment.

I don't think doing it alone in London is impossible, but it would be hard, not least because housing and childcare are both off the scale expensive and really hard to find. It's worth looking at numbers just to help her understand the challenge.

But it would be such a shame to lose this opportunity - it's a great career and offers lots of variety and flexibility.

She should definitely contact them asap and find out what her options are - there's absolutely no harm telling them because the HR person she speaks to will never meet her, and they won't be able to cancel her placement, she is protected by law.

Once she has all the info she can make an informed choice calmly. Your job is not to make it for her, but hold her hand as she does it herself. Good luck

Can we stop with the over the top comments? Ffs

It's a very tough one and doesn't help the yyour d won't sit down and speak to you properly instead of drip feeding. At 21 she should have been aware of the dangers taking cocaine and drinking would have on a foetus whether she was considering abortion or not.

The truth is she's made a lot of poor choices and screwed up. She can let those choices impact her future by going ahead with the pregnancy. That doesn't mean her life will go down the pan but for the next few years it will look vastly different than what she has originally intended. That doesnt have to be a bad thing. It vould be the making of her. Or she could take some stock realistically discuss the options and decide not to go ahead.

Ultimately you can't pursuade her either way, it's got to be her decision. You can however, talk to her about whether she can defer her new job and if she did, how would she arrange childcare, what would her support look like since her job is in London. Potentially she woulf be doing it as a single parent. Would she be able to get a houses share with a baby? Could she afford a flat? Realistically if she went ahead she'd be better off staying near you so she has family support (sounds like you would provide it).

You've offered her your support but have a think about what that actually means. Is it just emotional support while she makes up her mind? Financial or would you be willing to have her move back in, do childcare as and when she needs? Ehat about your own job, life, plans, hobbies? Would you be willing for all of that to take a backseat?

So since thinking she might be pregnant by her long term boyfriend (who she may have cheated on in February but she was so off her face she's not sure), she's not done a pregnancy test but been on a drunken holiday to Greece and had unprotected sex with a random bloke, been to Alicante for another drunken holiday and been to a bottomless brunch. Is that right?

And you think she wants to keep the baby and give up her career? She doesn't.

Is the other man potentially Greek? Just wandering how that would work out ? … long term for the baby’s development,
sense of self ect

Are you serious?????

Wow!

As in could they ever track him down, meet him, have a relationship with him, know their heritage

Her latest update makes a lot more sense. Though I suspect there is more info to come and there has been more cheating between Feb and June (Greece) than she's letting on for now. I don't really believe she isn't sure if she cheated or not in Feb. Was it the same bloke both times? As that would be more indicative of an ongoing "affair" over a six month period that the boyfriend mentioned rather than two separate one night stands. Despite her protestations she may not know who the father is though desperately wants it to be the boyfriend. What a mess. I do feel quite sorry for her, she's made lots of poor decisions and they probably escalated while she was in denial. As a very rough calculation she likely got pregnant early-mid May which may or may not clarify the paternity issue.

OP, I think your DD is getting a hard time of it here. Whatever her behaviour outside the relationship, her ex had unprotected sex, with predictable consequences. He’s 50% responsible for her situation, and needs to take responsibility. ‘Blocking and moving on’ is not an option for him.

If she gives her job up, she won't get maternity leave pay.
No disrespect but she doesn't seem mature enough to have a baby if she's cheating on her boyfriend, does she really want a baby, because if she's thinking this is a way of him coming back to her, when she's already ruined the trust she had, plus, did she really love him to cheat on him.
She's either going to have to make up her own mind, sounds like you're going to have your hands full with a baby if she goes ahead and has this.
I'm afraid she's got herself into this mess

Alcohol doesn’t cross the placenta until 10-12 weeks. So fingers crossed so long as stops now it should be ok. I certainly drank loads before I knew I was pregnant and dd18 is fine.