Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
Rudimental · 18/07/2023 18:21

Make the claim and have the test. It will serve the cunt right.

AnSolas · 18/07/2023 18:23

EasterIssland · 18/07/2023 16:12

No. Their body their choice but neither should a woman force a man to pay for the bills of a child they never desired and they had put precautions not to have.

Boo Hoo

For the third time Man of 32 finds out that having sex can result in a baby.

Boo Hoo Hoo

Man find out that modern DNA testing means he can't deny that he had sex and creates a baby.

Funny how basic human biology has not changed in so so long.

Soontobe60 · 18/07/2023 18:24

toomuchlaundry · 18/07/2023 13:56

Who will be looking after DC when you are at uni?

I think she’s planning on leaving the baby at home in a drawer 😳

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2023 18:26

The funny thing is OP, CMS will also charge him for the DNA test Grin

WHAT A PRICK

TheKeatingFive · 18/07/2023 18:26

You've got people here saying men should refrain from sex if they don't want to roll the dice, but poor wittle women can't go without on the off chance they will produce an unwanted and misbegotten new human being. Unbelievable.

Okay, so we've got 3 sets of 'rights' which potentially conflict.

A child's right to be supported by their parents

A woman's right to determination over her own body

A man's 'right' to a consequence-free shag.

So you're going to argue that we should prioritise the last one? You can fuck right off with that love.

Soontobe60 · 18/07/2023 18:27

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/07/2023 14:31

It's staggeringly selfish that in 16 months this 35 year old man has not offered any financial assistance to the then-teenager he impregnated. Yes, apply.

When you mention it to him it might be an idea to take a friend to the park to sit nearby, or at least let your family know when you are meeting him. And continue to meet in a public place. This man sounds very much like a married douchebag and won't want any kind of paper trail so he will be angry. Protect yourself.

And expect him to threaten to take full custody because that's page one in the "how dare you try to make me take any responsibility" playbook. He won't get full custody. And if you are at all unsure about him don't let him take the baby by himself either. Tell him visitation can be worked out in family court.

Yes, he’s a twat, but you’re talking about an adult, not a snotty nosed kid. I’m sure the OP knew that sex can lead to pregnancy just as he did.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/07/2023 18:28

grunttheterrible · 18/07/2023 18:00

Can you opt out of what you pay for your son because he was unplanned? No. Therefore neither can he

But a woman can opt out of having the child, period.

Outdamnspot23 · 18/07/2023 18:28

You've seen a tantrum before, this is just him having one. He's probably upset that his hobby baby and the teenager he got pregnant are breaking out of the box he's put them in and starting to demand he takes actual responsibility.

Can I just point out you don't know how many other children he may have, in or out of a relationship?

Finding someone's address is pretty easy usually if you have enough info about them you can google creatively. Companies house maybe or 192?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/07/2023 18:28

TheKeatingFive · 18/07/2023 18:26

You've got people here saying men should refrain from sex if they don't want to roll the dice, but poor wittle women can't go without on the off chance they will produce an unwanted and misbegotten new human being. Unbelievable.

Okay, so we've got 3 sets of 'rights' which potentially conflict.

A child's right to be supported by their parents

A woman's right to determination over her own body

A man's 'right' to a consequence-free shag.

So you're going to argue that we should prioritise the last one? You can fuck right off with that love.

I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 18:29

He just tried calling but I’m busy with my son now so not tryna talk on the phone.
He sent another message saying ‘Now I understand your game plan is all about hustling.’ Huh

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 18/07/2023 18:29

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 15:38

@BibbleandSqwauk thankyou for providing that info.
After claiming child maintenance, will he automatically be named on the birth certificate and have all those rights?

Your son also has the right to know both his parents.

Dacadactyl · 18/07/2023 18:29

Stopthetest · 18/07/2023 17:56

Venomous is coming on the thread of a 20 year single mother (through contraception failure) to berate her for not terminating her child.

Here, fucking here.

Some of this lot are just grim.

TheKeatingFive · 18/07/2023 18:29

I don't think you understand what I'm saying.

okay then tell me more

AnSolas · 18/07/2023 18:30

CakeyBakeyHeart · 18/07/2023 15:09

By this logic abortion services should be removed for couples who have had consensual sex and become pregnant due to contraceptive failure (as they’ve both apparently consented to having a baby).

Funny thing but humans have discovered that human reproduction is not an equal process.

That argument is as silly as a mans "righ" to a "financial abortion".

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2023 18:31

Don't answer the phone, you're never going to hear what you want to

Straight to CMS, get the money - go to uni

Don't talk to him again, if he wants to see the kid he knows where court is >

Dacadactyl · 18/07/2023 18:32

Dacadactyl · 18/07/2023 18:29

Here, fucking here.

Some of this lot are just grim.

Lol hear, fucking hear!

Long day at work 😂

Sprogonthetyne · 18/07/2023 18:33

Whatthefuck3456 · 18/07/2023 15:30

men who are not on the birth cert should not have to pay maintenance. It’s the mums choice to not give the father legal rights so he should not have to pay as is not on the birth cert

A farther can only be put on the birth certificate if he is either married to the mother, or is present and agrees to be added at the time the baby is registered. As he was out of the country and didn't even meet the child until 4 months old, it was not in any way possible for the op to put him on the birth certificate.

A farther should not be able to dump his responsibilities just by refusing to be registered.

MumGMT · 18/07/2023 18:34

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 18:29

He just tried calling but I’m busy with my son now so not tryna talk on the phone.
He sent another message saying ‘Now I understand your game plan is all about hustling.’ Huh

Don't engage with his attempts to manipulate you or make you explain yourself.

Just be firm and practical.

PrudenceDictates · 18/07/2023 18:38

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/07/2023 18:28

But a woman can opt out of having the child, period.

But in this case she didn't (after double contraception failure).
So a child exists.
So both parents are responsible for him.

Mayhem3 · 18/07/2023 18:40

I was in a similar position. We’d only known each other a few days and I got pregnant on the 2nd time we had sex.
I was young and dumb but he wore a condom and I was on the pill.

He said he didn’t want anything to do with having a baby which I think is fair enough and so I didn’t ask for money, help, or to meet etc as I was fully aware that it was my choice to keep the baby and his choice wasn’t.

I only asked for money when he decided he wanted to be a part of her life
(he’d actually rock up randomly accusing me of stopping him from seeing her and then disappear for months or years at a time and then I had enough and I said you either be part of her life or I’ll get maintenance as it wasn’t fair on her).

In your situation he is involved and so I would ask for a contribution.
If he wants to be involved then he needs to be involved, there can’t be any half decisions when it comes to being a parent.

I also think you need to be more involved in each others lives.
I can’t see why you can’t go to each others homes to drop the baby off or get to know his other kids.

Has his other kids met their sibling?

MumGMT · 18/07/2023 18:43

@Mayhem3

I also think you need to be more involved in each others lives.
I can’t see why you can’t go to each others homes to drop the baby off or get to know his other kids.

In an update the OP said

when we do meet he always says how good I look and he takes photos of me without me knowing. It’s weird.
I think he would defo try something if at either of our homes and I don’t want that, especially in front of my son it’s not a good example.

blackbeardsballsack · 18/07/2023 18:44

Some of the posters on this thread should hang their heads in shame, or return to the Magdalene asylums.

OP, well done for raising your young child by yourself whilst also working and studying. You have gone above and beyond in trying to facilitate a relationship between your child and their father, and also in trying to foster an amicable coparenting relationship. His response to making the most nominal contribution to his child's life is sadly predictable based on his behaviour so far. How dare he liken you asking for a contribution to his child having their basic needs met to 'being all about the hustle'. Literally, what hustle? He hasn't even bought his kid any nappies in 16 months.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 18/07/2023 18:46

Response is 'fair enough about the DNA test, I will organise it for as soon as possible' THEN make sure you book one at a reputable place where you actually have to go.

Mammamia2023 · 18/07/2023 18:50

@Roses121 This is how this will play out imo.
He has never been single, you were a fling one of probably many. That’s why he only sees his child 1-2 times per month as it’s difficult to get away from his real family. He can’t give money as his partner would then find out. You bringing this up he now wants a dna test to put u off or to delay it all (probably won’t provide his sample) in order to bury his head in the sand and avoid his partner finding out. If you were to fall for his advances he is probably hoping that he can come live with you but as you are not falling for it he stays with her to have a roof over his head. Probably would then do the same to the next woman down the line. This was my thoughts all through reading the thread and when i got to the dna post it confirmed it for me. You had sex that’s it and you didn’t expect a baby either but got one and have changed your life accordingly about time he did the same.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 18:52

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 18:29

He just tried calling but I’m busy with my son now so not tryna talk on the phone.
He sent another message saying ‘Now I understand your game plan is all about hustling.’ Huh

He is trying to guilt trip you as he knows you're a nice young woman who wouldn't want to be seen as a gold digger and this might make you go 'oh no no not me I'm sorry I asked'

I wouldn't even respond to that accusation, just go straight to CMS. He can pay for a DNA test if he wants to (I would, no offense)