Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

A father's obligations aren't altered one iota by a birth being unplanned, or the product of an ONS, or whatever.

@Roses121 I think you're very sensible re not going to his house, he gives me the creeps tbh. I would take a friend with you too when you see him if that's possible. You sounds really brave and sensible and like a great mum- doing your best to let your son know his dad but also protecting yourself. You have evey right to claim for CM. You should be really proud I defo didn't have my head this screwed on at 20/21.

Sorry to ask, I don't know how it works, but what if he refuses a DNA test?

I mean, how can he be obligated to have one? Otherwise likewise somebody could claim that any random man is the father and compel them into DNA test they never asked for? Or do they do some background check to ensure that there's some already established communication for example.

If you refuse you're AUTOMATICALLY charged

This.

There's many references here to a teen. OP was 19 and chose to do this. We're not talking about a young teenager.

@Roses121 you must be doing well to be able to live and cover your finances with nursery as well?

Is this referring to the OP?

YANBU, he should be supporting financially.

Do you have a daughter? Sounds like if she fell pregnant at 19 you'd be forcing her into an abortion or carting her off to an unmarried mother's home, for the baby to be forcibly adopted, whilst telling her what a naughty little whore she is. So yes ofcourse in your own situation your DC would need a loving, caring, enthusiastic father to cover for your faults. Don't judge everyone by your own standards!

Do you used termination as a form of contraception? Wowsers!

A rather venomous response to some points that seem to be based on bringing children into the world with the best possible start.

Now that's a silly interpretation.

Absolutely claim child maintenance via the Child Maintenance Service. If he wants to make it cheaper for himself, then he can pay directly to you when they have worked out what he should pay.

If he doesn't pay you directly after this, you can have them collect for you. This will be more expensive for him.

It may have an impact on the children he already has. He can always choose to make up the difference from the money he has left from paying maintenance.

You didn't plan this, neither did he. But you are both responsible, and he has a duty to contribute to the upbringing of all of his children.

Do not give him the opportunity to mess you around, get the claim in as soon as possible. The CMS are very slow if its not straight forward in my experience.

He may decide to ask for a DNA test - thats okay. Don't be offended, just agree and remain civil. Its no reflection on you.

Venomous is coming on the thread of a 20 year single mother (through contraception failure) to berate her for not terminating her child.

This thread as evolved exactly as I thought it would.

@Museya15 the women on your estate are not correct. The link between benefits and maintenance was severed years ago precisely because it was so poorly enforced so a woman (and let's not pretend it isn't 99.9% women) would be assumed to be getting x maintenance and Lose the equivalent benefit only to NOT receive the maintenance either. OP for goodness sake, get on the CMS website and get the appropriate and correct advice.

As to the idea that men shouldn't be held responsible because women get an extra "out" well boo bloody hoo. Suck it up.its the kind of catch 22 unfair situation women have dealt with for centuries. As a pp said, any man having sex is old enough to know the possibility exists and should be prepared to accept the consequences.

He definitely should be paying, and supporting his child. Good luck with your degree!

Can you opt out of what you pay for your son because he was unplanned? No. Therefore neither can he

With your post that he's coming on to you and taking photos (yuk!) he comes across as someone you wouldn't want any more involvement with than is unavoidable.

CMS is sounding more and more like the best option - keep him at arms length, although if there is a risk that will result in a paternity test and then a request to be on the birth certificate (but it doesn't sound like he'd bother) then I wouldn't even go there.

I take money from my abusive ex because without it I'd struggle to survive...if I could afford not to take it I wouldn't; which is where this started, you need funds to help you cope going through uni, but whether that's worth getting more entangled with this man is very much in the balance.

Yes he "should" pay, but before you force the issue make sure you are fully aware of all the implications...it might be worth being skint for a few years not to give him any control over your and your baby's life.

How is it?

So I sent him another message along the lines of if I you won’t engage in this conversation I’ll go through CMS.

He replied, ‘Wow. Let it come with DNA test.’

not really surprised at the response although part of me is as we have had a good co parent relationship (no arguments or anything.) I guess that’s partly down to the fact we have very limited contact though! As soon as I ask for money now all of a sudden he’s questioning if he’s the dad🤣🤣😴 but happily calls himself daddy around my son and says how much he looks like him. What’s his game plan by wanting a DNA test? I mean, he can have it. I just don’t understand cus when it comes back positive he’ll still have to pay??!

Just file and say you'll absolutely agree to the DNA test.

I wouldn’t stick up for a poster who was ‘berating her for not terminating her child’, I think you have failed to understand Zelda’s postings (the context makes more sense if reading the ones before the one you quoted).

As a PP said, don't worry about that, it was to be expected. Stay calm and matter of fact about it. It's him who's making things more awkward for himself.
So go ahead and make the claim. You're entitled to have help caring for your son from his father.

Good luck.

I'd also point out that he can't really be surprised CMS is on your agenda as other than the occasional few pounds he lobs at you, he's completely failed to support his chlid.