Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

Why would you post this on a thread where the child now exists? when the mother was 19 when she got pregnant and is still only a very young woman who is trying her very best to now build a good life for herself and her child?

What do you hope to achieve exactly? Do you want to make the OP feel like she's wrong for trying to get this man to pay towards his child?

I would reply with a link to the CMS website and explain he hasn’t paid in two years and needs to back pay for his child. The fact he hasn’t even offered on two years says more about his character than you being accused of something. You carried and gave birth to his baby and he is not even contributing to nursery never mind anything else.

Yeah... as someone else said, he's going to have to explain where the money is going to his current partner (who is not an ex).

The most ineffective hustle in history given you have paid everything for your child so far and will no doubt still be paying the lion's share going forwards!

Apply ASAP because if he challenges parentage they can backdate the payments to the date the case was opened once parentage is established

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service/disagreements-about-parentage

My(now) ex did exactly this. As soon as I asked him to contribute financially towards his son, I was called money grabbing etc. absolutely pathetic creatures! Want to be called daddy, but not stepping up to be one

He has never been single, you were a fling one of probably many. That’s why he only sees his child 1-2 times per month as it’s difficult to get away from his real family

Claim from CMS because it's the right thing to do for your child, but limit your interaction with him as much as possible.

Ugh. What a seedy pathetic man.

I think she should continue the access she is doing now, so she is allowing them to form a relationship, but bring a friend with her so she feels safe from his perving and he behaves more appropriately

This is important. The payments will be backdated to the time they receive the application if the claim is approved, and it will be. He'll have a big lump sum to pay if he drags his heels.

Ignore the silly posters saying men shouldn't have to pay for the children they produce. They absolutely should, and are legally obligated to.

I very much suspect he is still married to his kids mother

She already explained he is Pervy when she sees him she is right to only meet in a safe public place

She doesn't have to. It will just delay the CMS claim for months as he will deliberately delay the DNA test/just not do it.

She just needs to claim CSA. They will get in touch with him. He can dispute parentage if he wants to, CMS will arrange the DNA test but payments will then be backdated.

This.

Of course you should apply for it, doesn't matter if it's from a ONS or a 20 year relationship, it takes two to make a baby and if he didn't want to risk a third child he shouldn't have had a ONS. He accepted that potential responsibility when he slept with you. What his other kids get is no concern of yours, there's only one child YOU need to worry about 💐

So men should be able to have consequence and responsibility free sex, but women shouldn’t? Don’t be ridiculous, they know how their dicks work.

Oh yes, what a fantastic hustle, isn't it? To plan to get pregnant and have a kid while still being a teenager, to become responsible of a child before having a career, a degree, to trick a poor innocent bloke and go after his hard-earned money, to be a gold-digger going for .... what? £100? £200/months? 300/month at the most? Hardly a lucrative hustle, you should have found a richer and/or more generous bloke, OP, not this prince of all men who in almost 2 years never offered to pay a penny for his child but doesn't mind to be called "daddy" (as long as you don't expect him to contribute with anything). Leaving sarcasm and jokes aside:

1. claim CMS (if he asks for a DNA tests they will deal with this)
2. keep looking after and loving your child, you are doing a great job!
3. good luck with your degree!

"Stop calling women gold diggers, you ain't got shit!"

Absolutely keep it professional OP. Is this man on the birth certificate for your child? CMS are rubbish if he's the type to hide earnings or pretend to be self employed the CMS won't really do much. Still make the claim though.

I would call CMS he will be difficult

As a woman, I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will.

Oh boo hoo. Poor little men. Let's get a petition going against this major injustice against our men folk, we can't have that can we.

But a woman can opt out of having the child, period.

So can a man - he can wear a condom, he could pull out before ejaculating (while still wearing a condom) to be extra safe.

Or here's a radical idea - he could just not have sex unless he's okay with the idea of getting his partner pregnant. That's called taking responsibility.

And an abortion isn't an easy 'out' for most women, it can be a very emotionally and physically hard process, and a decision that isn't always easy to make.

" As a woman, I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will."

I'm just so flabbergasted by the callousness of this statement. It's as if you know nothing at all about the way women have been treated and used by men, with no exit options up until the last 50 years or so. The last Magdalene laundry was closed in, what, 1996? And already you are lamenting that men can't have recreational sex without consequences. Maybe we should re-open the Laundries so that these sinful women can support their children without having to burden the poor, dear, vulnerable menz.

When it comes back positive yea he’ll have to pay, and that’s right and correct

he’ll also be able to apply to go on the birth certificate and get parental responsibility. That’s also right and correct

Am pro-choice, but not militantly, but one pro-life argument I do agree with is that the main beneficiary of abortion is the kind of irresponsible, entitled male (and philandering too in this case) who gets all the pleasure while women mop up the consequences. Termination is a very hard choice for a lot of women, mentally and physically arduous. Is there really much difference from the historic 'no you CAN'T keep your baby, only responsible married couples can have children, you must have it adopted' position, replacing adoption with abortion?

The phrase is 'pro-choice' for a reason and OP clearly wanted to keep the pregnancy and works and is making a success of their lives. Plenty of couples receive govt support, it is not just single mothers.

Yep..and there's also plenty of men who opt out completely even when the child is born.

There's men who plan babies/children with women and then 'opt out' and fuck off somewhere and never bother with their kids again.

There's men who are the driving force in the decision to have babies who talk women into it by selling her the perfect life, and then off they fuck, opting out and never seeing the child again.

I must say it took my breath away.
I've read some ridiculous comments on MN over the years, but this takes the biscuit, especially on a thread of a young woman bringing up a child alone with no help, financial or otherwise, from his father, as is very often the case with unplanned pregnancies.
To be clear (in case it's not) it's the woman, the MOTHER, whose life is being compromised, as is usually the case, not the man who was able (but not obliged) to have carefree sex with her.