Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

@Museya15 I will look into this, thanks. I rent privately but do receive universal credit for housing costs.

I see your point, but equally I would say, if a woman is sure she will not have a termination, she shouldn't be having sex with strangers.

It's really antisocial to bring children into the world in these circumstances, where fellow taxpayers likely will end up providing some of the support, and the child will grow up without a male role model, or worse, with a horrible and disinterested male role model.

Continuing pregnancies that arose under toxic or disadvantaged or sub-optimal circumstances isn't admirable. If one won't terminate, maybe refrain from sex acts that can cause pregnancy until and unless one is in a stable, time-tested relationship, is financially solvent and if the bio-partner is actually interested in becoming a father.

The responsibility runs two ways. As a woman, I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will. It's a wonder more don't get vasectomies at an early age.

It definitely used to be taken penny for penny off any benefits.

sure that OP said somewhere that they were using a condom which failed so she took the emergency pill which also failed (yes I've heard of this happen quite a lot). So seems to be a completely accidental pregnancy and they weren't irresponsible with contraception. I'd say maintenance is due - even after casual sex It's a risk a lot of men seem prepared to take so they have to take the consequences.

@Keykat I know. He says the house is to rent out for money but obviously he can’t be trusted because I don’t know him that well.
His mother and 2 kids both live here so I think it’s unlikely he will up and leave but maybe he’s been lying to me and he’s still with his ex and they are all planning on moving there so who knows 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will

Diddums, the poor menz.

As has been said before, men have the option not to have sex.

Absolutely he should be paying

Just go to CMS. Your child is entitled to financial support from both parents. I wouldn't even bother discussing it with him, he would be insisting on supporting his child if he had any decency whatsoever.
Make sure you're claiming everything you can as well OP.

And yet, strangely, very few get vasectomies at early ages. Because they could take responsibility for the fact they're fertile 100% of the time and choose not to.

If by an 'out' for women, you mean an abortion, it's not the greatest of 'outs' is it? It costs a fair bit of cash and isn't risk-free, aside from any ethical considerations the woman in question may have. And in some countries, it isn't an out at all. Do you think that's fairer then?

It's morally wrong, to not support your child financially.

It doesn't matter if the child is planned or not. Pregnancy is often a consequence of sex.

i take your point @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune but at the same time, it's a bit unfair to expect women to put up with years of celibacy until they find 'Mr Right' because they feel very uncomfortable with the idea of termination. I think the OP in this case was just unlucky - two methods of birth control failed, and there is a considerable age gap, she was only a teenager and this man look advantage, being nearly twice her age.

Don't make this into an emotional decision, your child is entitled to that money and by not asking you are depriving him of those resources. If anything, it may be immoral to deprive a child of money they are entitled to.

File a claim for child maintenance. Do it today. Your child is entitled to the support of both its parents, whether planned or not.

Full custody? I would be more prepared for him to cut contact…. He sees the child 1/2 times a month

Men who threaten to get full custody very rarely actually want it. It's a tactic to stop the mother doing what they don't want her to do.

men who are not on the birth cert should not have to pay maintenance. It’s the mums choice to not give the father legal rights so he should not have to pay as is not on the birth cert

Do you understand how birth registry works? If I remember correctly the birth must be registered within six weeks and the (non spouse) father has to be present to be added to the birth cert. You can't just provide a name. He probably never even asked about registering the birth yet here is a shooter for him demanding he should continue to not be inconvenienced his kid in any way. If you're a woman you should be ashamed of yourself.

@Roses121 be aware that he might suggest a private arrangement to pay you weekly/monthly - refuse if he suggests this.

A friend initially had a private arrangement which led to the guy changing how much he paid from one week to the next, not paying at all some months, and trying to lie about his income. So she went through the CSA or whatever the agency is called and he couldn't wriggle out of it, nor lie about what he was earning.

Your guy might not want anyone he's in a relationship with knowing he has a child but that's his problem - not yours.

Can I ask what country he was visiting when he was away?

What's his nationality/background?

*Actually if you're a man you should be ashamed of yourself too. Miracles sometimes happen...

I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will

Well far too many of them successfully dodge their obligations, so dry your tears.

So do women.

I say that as a 60-year-old woman sexually active since age 17. But I was prepared to terminate (and did) when hooking up with men I wasn't in a committed relationship with.

Well, come on. Surely celibacy is better than bringing a new human being into adverse circumstances, and yes, I consider a missing/disinterested father to be a very adverse and disadvantaged circumstance.

You've got people here saying men should refrain from sex if they don't want to roll the dice, but poor wittle women can't go without on the off chance they will produce an unwanted and misbegotten new human being. Unbelievable.

I say that as a woman myself. If one is not prepared to terminate, one should only have sex in situations where one could provide amply for a child, and that includes providing a loving, caring and enthusiastic father for it.

It makes me queasy that there are people on this thread feeling so sorry for a man in his mid thirties who impregnated a teenage girl and buggered off, except for lovely bi-monthly trips to the park where he takes photos of her when he thinks she's not looking. The handmaidens aren't dying off any time soon, eh?

Rubbish

They can easily apply to court and get their legal rights but regardless the child has a right to be supported by its father. Its not their fault he isn't named.

It's amazing, isn't it @GatoradeMeBitch (love Jesse!)? This thread is about a young woman who becomes pregnant at 19, by an older, solvent man; and yet she looks after baby alone, has had to delay her education and career to look after him, and has had no financial support from the father whatsoever. This is a very common scenario: the single mother and absent father, yet that poster thinks men have the bum end of the deal???

Fucking unbelievable.

Chance you take when you have sex. If you don't want the risk you choose a more permanent method of contraception.

What?! So you can only have a sex life if you agree with abortion? How very unfeminist of you.

Maybe the man shouldve asked these questions and got to know OP before he jumped into bed with a teenager.