Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

Absolutely

Louder for those (misogynists) at the back.

When men can get pregnant they can have an equal say about abortion 👍🏻.

Otherwise, once a baby is born it’s not about what’s fair or not between individual men and women, it’s about the fact that a child needs financial support. Both parents are responsible for this so that financial security for children is maximised and the burden doesn’t fall entirely to the state. End of.

Yes of course he should pay. The law clearly says so.
Morally, yes again. A 35 year old father of two should be fully aware that unprotected sex can lead to him becoming a father of three. If he regrets his choice to have unprotected with a drunk 19 year old once it starts costing him £300 per month, that's too bad, and not your responsibility.

That’s just about the most judgemental remark I’ve seen for a while! I’m sure the intelligent, sensible OP is well able to make her own decisions about any relationships she may have in the future.

Judgemental... well of course it's judgemental, I do judge people that have children as a result of one night stands. As do many others. It's hardly bloody commendable. Im not quite sure intelligent and sensible were the first characteristics that came to my mind though it's nice to hear she's off to uni.

Judgemental... well of course it's judgemental, I do judge people that have children as a result of one night stands. As do many others. It's hardly bloody commendable. Im not quite sure intelligent and sensible were the first characteristics that came to my mind though it's nice to hear she's off to uni.

So you know she's reading this?

And how did you think you would 'help ' this OP or her situation?

Or did you just want to get that 'judgement' out there?

For the record lots of intelligent people have one night stands. Though I'd agree it's not that sensible. But it's hardly defining, as much as you sneer.

@Teapot13 you are totally correct with all your points. However if a man and woman take precautions and an accidental pregnancy occurs, the man definitely has less choices than the woman. None of this means he should get away without paying maintenance, but I do have a small amount of sympathy for a man who takes precautions and still ends up fathering a child when he didn’t choose to.

Not just judgemental, incredibly patronising.

And many will judge you for your nasty post to the OP.

Fair enough - and I do actually agree with you, regarding the fact that it's the child with the rights, and the biological parents with the responsibilities (to ensure it's adequately supported)...

But it's not always so simple. My oldest was born 9 months after I walked away from an abusive relationship (both aged 19), and 7 months after I found out that I was pregnant. Contraception had been used on my part and - well, I think he was removing the condoms during sex without my knowledge, to be honest. I was given the wrong information by the locum GP I ended up seeing, who told me that I was further along and therefore it was too late to terminate. This was back in the '90s, so I don't know if the time limit has changed since then, or not. I was suddenly trapped, with everyone trying to convince me to go back to him because he was my child's "father"... I knew, if he did, that he'd hurt my baby -to hurt me. Because I'd had the temerity to leave him. I refused any potential claim from him. To this day, he hasn't paid a penny towards my child. I put myself through uni, like @Roses121 is about to do, and I built a career so that my child(ren) could have a better future than everyone expected her (them) to have. Yes, in the early days, the state did step in, but not for long. It's there as a short-term support system for those who need it. I would still have had to rely on it, even if I had put a claim in which the CMS, though - because at that time uni students were exempt (not earning) and then he (thankfully) fucked off abroad. I am by no means the only mother who goes without additional finance from the "other parent"... because we're terrified of them getting anywhere near those children who would end up abused one way or another, just so that they can... I don't even know... wear designer labels from birth?

OP, what I will say to you is this... even if you do find a nice man and start a family with him, be aware that your choice to have your son may cause others to suggest to your future partner about a DNA test, or you trying to trap him by getting pregnant (yes; even if the pregnancy is actively planned...). When my oldest was a baby - I think 11 or 12 months old - my friendship with a man I'd known since senior school became a relationship. We actively planned our now 18 year old... but his mother tried to convince him that I was trying to trap him (I was earning more than he was and had my own place, whilst he (at 28) still lived with his parents. She also insinuated that our son wasn't/isn't his (which he is... they're literally the spit of each other). When we separated, our son was 4 - and his father tried to humiliate me by saying that they needed a DNA test before any maintenance was forthcoming. Because my ex's name wasn't on the birth certificate. He missed the appointment, wouldn't answer his phone and then having his name added was always on his list of things to do, but he never quite got around to, you know...? He knows, and always has done, that he is our 18 year old's father. But the rest of his family...?! It really damaged the way that I looked upon them, from the time that I was 6 months pregnant (which was the first they knew because... my ex knew what they were like and was trying to put the situation off for as long as possible, I think). I have never forgiven them, or my ex, for the way that it was me who was humiliated - whereas he was the one who spent 2 years talking me round to the idea of actually trying for our son...

Poor men with their inability to think long-term like we women have to. For the sake of the children they create, then refuse to accept responsibility for.

Ermmm.... of course I know she'll read the posts. Look, you can't come on here and post the posts she has and not expect some sort of judgement. I've not disagreed that he shouldn't pay. I'm also aware many of us have one night stands and this is nothing to do with intelligence. It's opting to have a ONS and keeping children from said ONS that I find strange, especially as she's said she doesn't even know the man. I just find that really rather odd. Come on, this is a free speech forum and I think it would be insane if every single person that reads this thread just agreed OPs actions are normal and okay. Being slated because I dare to say maybe choose your next baby daddy a little more wisely - what a crazy crazy world we live in.

I agree, @SpainToday

Not saying men shouldn't have to help support the offspring, for pragmatic societal reasons, but I do feel sympathy if a method of contraception was agreed-to in advance, a pregnancy occurred and then she won't terminate. Especially after a one-night stand.

The man-hating on this thread is eye-opening. As a woman myself, I happen to believe that women hold most of the power when it comes to reproduction, and with greater power comes greater responsibility / accountability for the conditions in which offspring are produced. Every child should be planned and wanted. People who won't terminate might want to avoid casual sex with strangers to avoid these sorts of situations.

Agree with you, @Meadowflower2023

Giving unconditional approval to antisocial behaviour shouldn't be a prerequisite to posting in this forum.

No one wishes ill to the OP, who no doubt has many sterling characteristics. I hope all the best for her and her child. 💐

But many other people read here too, and if frank discussion gives some people beyond the OP additional food for thought, or makes them consider their actions more carefully, that's a benefit of a vast discussion venue. Pretending that everyone approves of this scenario and that someone making similar choices won't face any approbation or difficulty is not doing anyone a good turn. Least of all the resulting children.

Being slated because I dare to say maybe choose your next baby daddy a little more wisely - what a crazy crazy world we live in.

You didn't say that. And it's not 'crazy' for me to find your post judgmental and patronising.

And then making implications about people's intelligence.

And she clearly wasn't "choosing " her baby daddy at the time.

You can't help yourself

Giving unconditional approval to antisocial behaviour shouldn't be a prerequisite to posting in this forum.

'Unconditional approval to antisocial behaviour'

And Which bit was the antisocial behaviour?

The antisocial style behaviour was a married 35 yr old shagging a 19 yr in my book. And I'm not approving that.

I don't give a snot about one night stands.

And who said anything was a prerequisite?

Dear me, I've seen you cast more shade on someone throwing a dog poo bag in the wrong bin on another thread, than this man having 'recreational' sex.

Or men who don't want to risk a pregnancy.

The man-hating on this thread is eye-opening.

oh do bore off.

But if someone knows they won't terminate an accidental pregnancy, in effect they are choosing the baby daddy any time they sleep with someone. I would think anyone who is anti-abortion would be extremely selective.

And what about the child's rights in all this?
The child has a right to know who his father is and the right financial support from him. Do you really think the fathers 'right' to walk away without a backward glance trumps any rights the child has?

Come off it @sunglassesonthetable please let's not hijack the thread because you want to pick through the bits I've put that don't agree with your own thoughts on this matter. I'm not sure you're aware but we're all entitled to our own opinion and we don't all have to agree on everything.
@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune at least you're bold enough to admit you can see where I'm coming from. That's really quite refreshing on here.

Personally, I think the best time to consider the child's rights is BEFORE conception. The thought of choosing to give birth to a new human being when I don't even have the bio-father's phone number or home address or marital status is beyond my comprehension.

Yes, the bio-father should pay up. And get a vasectomy post-haste But please don't portray the bio-mother as an innocent victim in situations such as these. What if the bio-father is a terrible person that no child should have to deal with? But is forced to?

Come off it @sunglassesonthetable please let's not hijack the thread because you want to pick through the bits I've put that don't agree with your own thoughts on this matter. I'm not sure you're aware but we're all entitled to our own opinion and we don't all have to agree on everything.

You what ? I'm just disagreeing with you.

You don't need to palm me off with the old
"you may not be aware blah "

I don't want to derail either but I can defend myself against criticism from you just because you didn't like being called out.

No we won't agree I realise that, but you and zelda make a great pair.

But if someone knows they won't terminate an accidental pregnancy, in effect they are choosing the baby daddy any time they sleep with someone. I would think anyone who is anti-abortion would be extremely selective.

But you're a very particular type of person with very particular type of views on recreational sex and antisocial behaviour.

OP, when you come back to check this thread please ignore all the judgemental numbskulls caught in a Victorian mindset. You were only 19, and he was 35, and it sounds like he put pressure on you. There's such a thing as 'stealthing' where men deliberately break condoms, maybe he wanted to get you pregnant all along, that would tie in with his offering to marry you when you first got pregnant.

You've been extremely responsible ever since, and treated him with more fairness than he deserves.

Don't forget that when you get to university there's a good chance you'll meet a much better man your own age, you don't need this dead beat dad hanging out in your life.

Tbh if you’d asked me at 18 what I’d do if I got pregnant by a ONS I probably would’ve said abortion. But I couldn’t have anticipated how I felt when I found out I was pregnant. I loved him, he was part of me too and I just wanted to protect him.

I am so glad I chose to give birth and be his mother. I feel like the luckiest person in the world waking up with him everyday and for all the moments we’ve shared and continue to share together.

But knowing what I know now, I would not put my future child in a position to be born in a single parent household. I’m aware of the statistical disadvantages associated. Although I think poverty is also a factor in this.

I agree with the advice to choose my next baby daddy wisely. It’s not like I have the time or desire to have ONS after having my son 😴🤣. So the next man lucky enough to get me will be someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

You couldn't sound more sensible and intelligent OP.

@Roses121 I admire you for having the backbone to respond as you have. I think even though my thoughts have been misconstrued by some on this thread I am pleased you kind of get where my original post came from.

I agree with the advice to choose my next baby daddy wisely. It’s not like I have the time or desire to have ONS after having my son 😴🤣. So the next man lucky enough to get me will be someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It sounds to me like motherhood has been the making of you and you're clearly a devoted mum to your little one. Whether or not this chap pays up I think you're going to be just fine. Wishing you all the very best.