Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

It was his choice to take the risk.

@TheBlinkOfAnEye he probably didn’t think it was a risk if they were taking precautions

Then he's an idiot because it's always a risk no matter what precautions are taken. It was one of the first things I taught my kids in sex education, sons included: Nothing is 100% and every time you have sex a pregnancy can result, no matter how careful you are.

So anyone who has sex with precautions is an idiot?

he probably didn’t think it was a risk if they were taking precautions

Nor did OP 🤷‍♀️

No, they're an idiot if they assume precautions are always 100% risk free. It's never 100% risk free. They chose to take the risk.

He called me twice last night. I aired his calls then he messaged saying, ‘It’s important that why I’m calling you.’ I said, ‘About what?’ He responded, ‘to talk about everything.’
At this point I was kinda pissed off that he had the audacity to skip over asking for a DNA test so I told him ‘we have nothing to talk about until that’s done & why are you even entertaining a conversation with me if you think he’s not yours?’

Then he said ‘U just want my money.’ He also said he’s heading to the country he’s building his house in next month or September. So idk if he’s saying that to try make me think he will escape paying. We’d spoke a bit about his house and he always reiterated he was never leaving London. But maybe he’s changed his mind 🤷🏻‍♀️.

He told me ‘you had sons name for yourself not for me.’ I’m not even sure what he meant by that. I want to block him tbh cus he’s so annoying but I’m scared he will try go to the courts for shared custody or something just to spite me. I’ve muted him now anyways and will check again if he’s said anything when I have the strength to 😅.
Maybe I should’ve just answered and we could’ve spoke amicably but it’s hard not to be emotional about this. I was also naive in thinking when I first asked him for a financial contribution he would be embarrassed and pay up. 🙈

Depending on the country he goes to, he might still be able to be followed up for child support. Do you really think he'd do that to avoid CS for your child though? And leave the other two behind?

@TheBlinkOfAnEye Seems a bit irrational to do that yes. But then again I don’t know him well enough to say if he would make that decision.
Maybe he thinks it will delay it as he won’t be here to receive any potential letters/mails and can use that as an excuse.

He can be up for back pay for the years he hasn't paid already, so that's no guarantee he'll escape anything. It does seem drastic fo run away from everything he's established in life, including well established relationships with his earlier two two children, just to avoid one CS payment. It would say a lot about him if he chose that. It seems unlikely, but you never know.

Red flags everywhere with this guy. Be careful.

By 'his name' did he mean that your son has your surname and not his?

I'm more inclined to think he intentionally got you pregnant. Society has this stereotype where women get pregnant in order to trap men, but in reality it happens the other way too, a lot of men make women pregnant in order to hang onto them. The fact you've never wanted a relationship with him makes me wonder if you really wanted the ONS either? I'm not using the 'r' word, but he does sound coercive.

At the end of the day, he has a child he should be helping to support. Does he not think his child needs housing, food, clothing, transport, heat/water, etc.

He wanted you to have the baby; he's rewriting history.

Remind him of this and tell CMS every single piece of identifying information you can about him. Your child is entitled to his support.

@TheBlinkOfAnEye no he can't asked for back pay since the child's birth..only from when the oP opens the claim.

OP please please do not give up this claim out if fear of a residency (no custody in this country) order. He would never do it and it would never be granted in your situation given his lack of involvement. It sounds to me from everything you've said that he still harbours some hope of a relationship with you and is peeved that you've made it clear that won't happen. He's being nasty re the money as a lash out. Just proceed calmly with claim and DNA test if he insists on it and keep communication minimal. If he does go overseas it's trickier but it depends where he goes.

If they don't realise there is still a risk, albeit very small, yes. And if they did it by simply handballing the precautions to the other person, very much yes.

@SpiralHecate Say for example my sons called Jack. He said ‘you had Jack for yourself and not me.’

I don’t think he did try to get me pregnant. The night we met I was a bit intoxicated and he wasn’t, as he was working at the venue we met. I’m not even sure why I slept with him. I rejected his advances at first because believe it or not I’d only had one ONS before him😅. He was persistent and I think deep down this satisfied my feeling of ‘wanted to be wanted’ so I didn’t respect my own boundaries.
Definitely wasn’t the ‘r’ word but I do acknowledge I was in a vulnerable place emotionally. Obviously don’t know what was going through his head at the time so he may have also had his own issues that led to it.

He can't without parental responsibility so well done !

You are doing so well honestly you are a lot more mature than many women on this website twice your age what a great mum

You should arrange a time to speak with him
With a friend with you for support.
Also don't be bullied into making any quick decisions while on phone you can say I'll think abiut that's

These comments about your character and what you did any why, I can see why you want to defend yourself but don't bother. Keep us business like with him. Don't engage in those sort of conversations with him Trying to prove you're morally good etc, his opinion doesn't matter you know your own heart and he's not your friend , just someone who is your child's parent and should be a provider too.

You know you didn't get pregnant to trap him you got pregnant accidentally because you were drunk and you kept the baby because once you found out he was growing inside you you loved and wanted him. Hold onto that and dont bother trying to explain yourself to that prick trying to trigger you

You should arrange a time to speak with him
With a friend with you for support.
Also don't be bullied into making any quick decisions while on phone you can say I'll think abiut that's

This

@SpainToday

Yes is was his choice.

He is male.

His "social" choice it to engage in an act of sexual reproduction or not.

Once he puts his sperm in her vagina, his spem have a chance to make him a baby.
That is basic human sexual reproduction.

He can use methods to reduce the risk but not 100% remove the risk.

So his option is no sex at all, until and unless he wants to make a baby or have sex and risk making a baby.

He can be very anti-social and harm the pregnant mother or kill a birthed baby. But we as a society tend to want to lock that type of man out of society.

Thats it.

This has been true since humans started engaging in acts of sexual reproduction and babies being born.

It is still is true today.

Boo hoo for men, but science has moved on and DNA testing can prove a genitic link between a man and his baby.

Before DNA testing woman were taught that men can be anti-social assholes and some will call the woman he decided to risk getting pregnant a slut etc. and claim that the baby was not his. That when asked to judge society would blame the woman for "having recreational sex and getting pregnant" and not hold the man to the same standard, therefore "good" women should not have recreational sex. Men were taught it was ok to have recreational sex but not to "get caught" by a "good" woman because that could result in marrige and/or a beating from her family; but the get out of marrige/a beating clause was to call the woman a slut etc.

Any social context did not and do not alter his sexual reproductive options.

Society is having a delayed reaction in teaching men to adjusting to the new normal of DNA testing.

This is indeed what it boils down to.

@ElizaAgainn which is it
a)you beleive that a man who made the choice of sexual reproduction should have the right to force an abortion on a woman, or
b) in the context of your paragraph your words "someone" and "oneself" etc actuallly only means women?

I think anyone who describes a man having sex with a condom as ‘making his choice to be a parent’ is about as ridiculous as telling someone crippled in a car crash whilst wearing a seatbelt that they ‘made their choice to be in a wheelchair’ when they got in the car, as there was a known risk.

Perfectly fine with men being told they need to understand/accept there is a risk even with protection, and that ultimately they won’t and shouldn’t have final say in what happens next. If their partner (whether a wife, an ONS, or anything in between) is fair and decent they will at a minimum listen to and consider the effect the final choice will have on them.

@Roses121 your threads being turned into a bitchfest and encouraging your drama.Theres no real mileage in that for you.
yuve asked him for money-i still think his dna response was reasonable. i still think claim if want
now you wont speak to him and therefore any sort of"daddy"game is up.you are making a rod for your own back.
the literal ins and outs how it got to this dont matter.your focus needs to be baby and you. IF for whatever reasn dm doesnt go your way-you still need a plan