Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

I would be very wary of contacting his other baby mama, you could be unleashing an almighty shit storm and she may blame you for everything, regardless of him being the liar who goes chasing after teenagers.

While the money would help you, and morally he SHOULD be paying towards his son's upbringing, do you really want all the hassle that would come with it? I'm talking chasing him for money when he dodges payments, or dealing with custody/access demands if he decides to play power games? There are men who will demand and win full custody and then dump the child on the nearest female relative. I remember a MN thread where some poor woman was saddled with raising her brother in law's children after he won full custody and only allowed the mother to see them once a month. Not trying to scare you, just pointing out how bad it can get.

Regarding circumcision, I think it is the case that you'd have to give your consent as we're in the UK. I know of a case in the US where a woman went to jail because she didn't want to have her son circumcised and her ex husband did, but that's the United States for you.

It's great that you're going to university, and that your parents are supportive. In the long run you'll have much better earning potential and while these early years can be tough it'll get easier. Now that you've asked for child support do you think he'll carry on wanting to meet up? It did sound creepy the way he kept taking pictures of you, was it his son he's interested in, or you? Either way, it doesn't sound like co parenting, if he wanted to be a father he wouldn't be demanding a dna test. If he ends up disappearing on you, you might be best off letting him go and moving forward alone.

I think you need to brace for this eventuality.

Big hugs

The taking photos of you without asking and the sexual interest in you are worrying for the possibility of him trying to weave into your life if he decides to be put on the birth certificate.
From what you say he doesn't seem to be a good person to have around. Does he care for your child or is the child just an excuse to see you?
Would you trust him to look after your son? As you said you don't know this man and nothing you say here puts him in a good light.

To reiterate if I was in your position I would cut contact and continue to bring your child up alone.

The money is there for providing food, warmth, clothes, toys etc. for your child. If the money goes towards rent or bills for example, it’s still benefitting the child because it’s providing him with a safe and secure environment. It’s also to provide the son a similar lifestyle to what the father has, hence why it’s a percentage of a fathers wage and not a set amount for everyone. That’s why celebrities and millionaires give £20k a month to their baby mamas, why should the dad live lavishly and the child goes hungry.
Agree that the mum shouldn’t use maintenance for her own benefit like drinking, nails, Botox etc. but it’s not as black and white like you say. It’s also to provide a home for the child

Can’t believe this misogynistic nonsense is still coming up.

So how does this “both parents choosing” work?
Should a male stranger (if ONS) get to decide whether a woman has an abortion or not? Can force her if she doesn’t want to, or stop her if she does? That’s horrific.
Men do have a choice which comes earlier than that: at the point of sex.
As a PP said, they know how their dicks work.

I’m sorry why should two adults not have equal choices! Two adults using contraception find woman is pregnant - woman has choices relating to her body and baby at birth. Why should man have no choice at all. It’s not anti woman - it’s more anti men to say the man has to live with choice coz they had sex. Woman can always choose. He chose contraception too. Then together they choose. If a woman choses to abort he has no choice. So why can’t a man say no we used contraception - now there’s a pregnancy im not ready for a child my choice is not to be part of it.
I know a million posters will say that’s not okay but really why is choice only one way!

Ps in general terms not this post

This is the first of you looking at her and your child's potential half siblings? You must be one very restrained person.

@Nofurme the two adults don't get an equal choice because only one of them is pregnant. The man does have the choice not to be involved with a child he didn't want, but regardless of how involved he is the child still needs financial support. Why should that all fall to the mother, or the state?

Morally he shouldn’t have taken a chance.

Your post is one of the worst I’ve seen on here, and that’s saying a lot.

The poor menz. Just wanted to make his Willy sticky and now he’s stuck.

I think you need to define what that “choice” looks like for him

Can't believe how many seem to think abortion or adoption have no effect on the woman or her body. The effect of those decisions on a man or a woman are not equal.

Men have a choice whether to ejaculate inside someone since that affects their body anything beyond that is outside their control because it doesn't affect their body.

Yeah, it's pretty staggering there are people on this thread feeling sorry for a man in his 30s who pursued a girl in her teens, and who was quite possibly married and lying just to get that teenager into bed. It makes me wonder what kind of crap they tolerate from the men in their own lives.

Yes, I didn’t look for her until I thought about claiming the day before I posted this.
I’m not ‘in her business’ or stalking like someone suggested 😂
& I know what her kids looks like as my sons dad has sent me multiples photos (without me asking shall I add.)

Men have to ejaculate to make a baby. That's after he has penetrated a woman. It doesn't just happen, he has had time to change his mind, he knows how it works!

Plus men are fertile 24/7, women only for a couple of days. The POOR MENZ need to take responsibility.

And many men do opt out and have nothing to do with the child throughout pregnancy and then birth and then for the rest of their lives. We all know someone who had an absent father who was nowhere to be seen.

I mean god, this is already very much a man's world. Almost everything is orchestrated to be for the convenience of men, and they don't even have to go through the pain of childbearing and everything else a woman has to go through (periods, menopause etc etc).

If he is so worried about making an unwanted baby he shouldn't cum. I know men who use condoms and still pull out before ejaculation to avoid an accident.

And let's not forget he's a disgusting married man in his mid-30s, with kids already, who pursued a teenager. And then when she was pregnant he failed to do the decent thing and provide financially, taking advantage of her youth and naivety. He is disgusting!

Yeah, it's pretty staggering there are people on this thread feeling sorry for a man in his 30s who pursued a girl in her teens, and who was quite possibly married and lying just to get that teenager into bed. It makes me wonder what kind of crap they tolerate from the men in their own lives.

I agree, the internal misogyny on this thread is quite something.

No not true. The mother names the father and applies to the CSA for maintenance. They contact the father. If he disputes paternity he must do a DNA test to prove the child isn't his. If the test proves he is the father he has to pay for the test and he is assessed for maintenance. If he doesn't reply he is presumed to be the father and is assessed for maintenance.

@FootieMama I hear you and obviously I have my concerns about him. At the same time tho nothing dangerous or horrible has happened to the point where it would be my duty as a mother to protect my son from him.
I don’t want my son to blame me for not having a relationship with his dad if I cut him out.
We had actually planned to meet today 😬before all this. I haven’t heard from him since the DNA request so I’m not sure he wants to. Plus I think it’s unfair on my son to be around someone questioning his paternity. So I don’t think I’m gonna meet until thats done.

It’s as simple as this: women have choices over their own bodies, and men have choices over theirs.

I’m sorry why should two adults not have equal choices

Their choices are equal but different. Both can choose to avoid unplanned parenthood. They play different roles in reproduction, so make choices on their own involvement. For men that’s not having sex. Or using some sort of belt and braces method of contraception. Or being in a committed relationship where both partners agree about what will happen should an unplanned pregnancy arise.

Apart from the MRAs on this thread, pretty much no one thinks that men should be able to have unlimited, inconsequential casual sex with strangers without a backward glance; nor, worse still, that a woman he impregnates should be required to seek his permission on whether to abort or birth her child.

@Roses121 sorry for the detail. You’ve done the right thing. Questioning his paternity certainly means he shouldn’t be meeting with your son.

I hope this goes well for you, and you enjoy uni.

*derail

I hear you and obviously I have my concerns about him. At the same time tho nothing dangerous or horrible has happened to the point where it would be my duty as a mother to protect my son from him.
I don’t want my son to blame me for not having a relationship with his dad if I cut him out.
We had actually planned to meet today 😬before all this. I haven’t heard from him since the DNA request so I’m not sure he wants to. Plus I think it’s unfair on my son to be around someone questioning his paternity. So I don’t think I’m gonna meet until thats done.

Such a level decision. That babe is lucky to have you.

How would you like it if for example you wanted an abortion and every health care provider told you you had made your choice ‘at the point of sex’. Yet you think this is how it should be for men (who have made their choice by using contraception) to the point that anyone thinking otherwise is a misogynist.

Ultimately the situation is different for the man and the woman in an unplanned pregnancy and the woman is entitled to autonomy over her body. From a moral viewpoint though, if you chose to continue the pregnancy simply because you want a baby, despite the father not wanting it, rather than because you are opposed to the ethics/mental burden/or medical risks of abortion then you are morally in the wrong (it is noted in the OP’s case the father did not voice that he did not want it).

How would you like it if for example you wanted an abortion and every health care provider told you you had made your choice ‘at the point of sex’. Yet you think this is how it should be for men (who have made their choice by using contraception) to the point that anyone thinking otherwise is a misogynist.

Well it's not really the same is it. Pregnancy, childbirth and abortion does not affect a man's body at all.

Women and men make their choice at the point of sex on whether they will risk pregnancy. If a pregnancy occurs it is only affecting the woman's body, so it is her choice on what to do next. Abortion is not always an easy choice you know.

I'm not sure what you are saying the solution is here? If the law made it so men could get women pregnant and then 'opt out' of paying for it there would be a lot of men doing just that. Unfortunately it is instinct for men to spread their seed as far and wide as possible (whereas women are programmed to be more selective), so making this an option would be pretty catastrophic.

Yet you think this is how it should be for men (who have made their choice by using contraception)

Yes, that's exactly what I think. Women and men have different, but equal choices to make, because they play different but equal roles in reproduction. Men have autonomy over their own bodies, and women theirs, and so must act accordingly if they wish to avoid unplanned parenthood, not encroach on the others choices (in the case of a difference of choice, I mean).

then you are morally in the wrong

No, they're not. You're asserting your opinion/moral position as fact. It's not.