Child maintenance one night stand

[Roses121]

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

@SpiralHecate Thank you yes, I have considered this.
I don’t think it would be possible for him to want shared or full custody.
With regards to the other stuff he has mentioned a few times he wants our son to be circumcised. But I didn’t want that for my son so haven’t.
i hope this isn’t something he can do if he has rights. :(

It’s morally correct for one parent to contribute to the upbringing of their acknowledged child .

I am guessing from the circumcision comment that he could be from a different culture to yourself. Does he practice a religion that allows multiple wives?

@moderndaywitch different culture yes but he’s not religious.

I believe both parents have to consent for a boy to be circumcised in the UK.

@Marshmar it's fine..I don't agree with you either. There are more practical and immediate concerns for a mother in the Ops position than what might be wanted by her child 18 years later. In this particular instance the father is known, just not named..and she literally can't name him unless he chooses for that to happen. His response to being asked for maintenance is not encouraging and I'd continue to advocate that he not be on it until and unless he demonstrates a sustained interest and genuine care and concern for the child.

https://jme.bmj.com/content/30/3/259#

Yes both parents need to consent.

He's responsible for paying Child Maintenance.
Still, you decided to keep a pregnancy from a one night stand. That's quite responsible too...

Why do you to continue to explain the process? I'm well aware that you can't sign on someone else's behalf. Christ no need to repeat yourself. You've had your say just leave it.

The money is not for you, its for your son. If you are at uni full time you will get the maintenance loan and universal credit will top up too. I get this and work 1 day a week as a single mum. It's tough, but manageable if you are careful. Good luck 👍

The child is now 16 months old, how do comments like this help anyone?

Many of us are walking this earth due to irresponsible parents and ancestors.

@Marshmar this is an open forum..I'm not just talking to you and I will say what I like. Take your tone elsewhere perhaps?

I don't even know what to say to this. It's like you're ignoring ALL of history, where women have ALWAYS paid the price, sometimes with their own lives.
Now there's a ghost of a chance that a man might have to take responsibility for his magic pocket rocket (look! if you stick it in someone babies may result! this is how basic anatomy works) and here we are, trying to reverse that.

Posted too quickly, was in reply to the person talking about how the menz pay the price.

Open forum yet your dictating and the person who is bypassing.... the irony. You tagged me and I simply responded it's you who is rattled, you then continued to speak on irrelevant processes. I'm going to leave you to it. Good luck OP!

Exactly, and men are only being asked to take responsibility for THEIR CHILD by paying for it. They will only 'lose' a bit of money.

Women in the past lost a lot more than a % of their pay check if they were unfortunate enough to be pregnant and have a child in undesirable circumstances. Even if they were raped. An illegitimate child could cost them everything they have. Their job (if they were lucky enough to have one in the first place), their reputation, their family, their home, their future... sometimes even their lives. While men could just fuck off and deny all knowledge and carry on with their lives.

Actually no, it's not just in the past. It still happens today.

Stop making this a moral question. There is a legal procedure for a reason.

The only moral question is perhaps giving him a heads up or not. He must be aware that you are financially stretched with a toddler and uni.

@Roses121 YOUR original decision to raise your baby alone.
its Superb youve managed work and managed finances to date.Well done get uni-wish you every sucess with that.
however.NO you did NOT give up your life for your son. I Fully understand the unplanned result of one night. it happens.YOU made a concious choice(and regardless of age\circumstances-especially with your first-HAD no actual idea of what actually having a child is like til they get here.none of us do.YOU
reshaped your life and its commendable you are progressing so well-really.
HOWEVER
Saw you called when you\him meet up when he asks\your free."co-parenting.(no arguments or anything)
Sweetheart.No you arent.he sure as hell ISNT
your now 21,hes 37.yes? babies 16months now. yes.? sees a man in a cafe now n then.who "calls himself daddy" BECAUSE YOU TAKE HIM there.
am prob sound horrible.horrified but girl im quoting you.
so. Mr no strings,compliments u n takes sneaky photos(THAT you know about)
you asked mr no strings "if he wanted to contribute" youve
been snoop his kids mums page. leave her alone.ok.
Right.here ya go.
you are a dangerzone. Aye uni/financially security etc is a worry...YOUR worry-IF daddy no strings wanted to contribute,reegardless of what you earn\income is he would.
your parents are supportive.good.LET them read this.i hope you get grounded cos clever as you are you are damn sure NOT being smart here. Please
leave his maybe ex/maybe mrs AND mind your bizness re their kids and any kinda £ he may distrribute.
regardless of how csa splits finances-you will only get-what their working out system entitles your kid to.
FOCUS on...your kid.
his "game"demanding dna test is the only thing remotely reasonable in your full post too be honest.
Iv no idea how maintenance goes now. id like to think,given hes not birth cert dna would be advised. As you said-you cant believe anythin hes portrayed and no evidence to support or question it.
girl.if its hit his bottom line wages-hes equaly as entitled to-not blindly trust you either.

You know who she is? You need to message her given your updates.

Introduce yourself, say that you had a one night stand with her ex and got pregnant, that he has had supervised contact for X time, but this has been in public places as he wanted to pursue a relationship and you did not. Explain you have asked for some financial support for your son and he has become aggressive and evasive. Ask her if she can share any info she may have from their divorce/ separation and if she can confirm his address for the CMS process.

I have specifically said about mentioning her ex/ divorce as that is what he told you and led you to believe. If she is still married, then that is something for him to sort out himself. Do not try and second guess if he lied to cheat, or not.

I think he took advantage of your age, I don’t this in a horrible way or anything bad to you. To him however… knew what he was doing, I would not be surprised if he took the condom off.. Stealthing it’s called, and yes has happened to me, I didn’t get pregnant from it though I got Chlamydia from it… to me it sounds like (I could be very very wrong,but from experience I’m 36) he was on a night out, probably still was and is with mum of his other kids (I could be very wrong) he cheated with you, (you unaware,not your fault) it’s sounds like he knew fine well what he was doing, he is and was a grown ass man, you young at time, he took advantage in the sense I almost garantee he took condom off.. putting you in position of having a baby (who I bet you love the bones of and bet you are a fantastic mum, no hate to you) now he in position if he is with other baby mama of having a paper trail of they share banking ext… if he try’s paying cash then you will know of my theory is right or not.

he should pay towards his child, beware men lie a lot especially to younger women who have not had the sole sucked out of them by asshole men..

keep your chin up you are doing fantastic and bet your baby is a little gem xx

Neither of you planned the baby, both of you are the parents. He's been lucky to have not paid anything so far... it's not a question of him wanting to contribute or not, it's his legal obligation.

I’m with you - the choice of having a child should be for both parents to make. OP clearly stated birth control was used by both - and failed. But feels illogical that both parents don’t get the choice whether or not to keep baby both both are held accountable financially if one makes the choice.

Nothing illogical about it.

Anyway, in this case he didn't tell her he didn't want the baby and in fact said he wanted to marry her and support her...He has also acknowledged the child and sees the child, he just doesn't want to pay....so what you think is fair or logical or not doesn't even apply to the situation.

@EsmeSusanOgg yes I’ve found her Facebook. But I don’t know her personally.
I think if it comes to this and cms can’t trace him then she will be my last hope at getting the details since I don’t know anyone else connected to him.

You can and should ask for maintenance.
he can and should ask for contact visits too.