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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
Stopthetest · 19/07/2023 18:11

It's hilarious isn't it, men have no out, forced into parenthood and yet this man seems to find the time to have a whole family her DC doesn't know. Doubt the OP would find the time to do that.

mummy21blueeyed · 19/07/2023 18:22

Have you asked him for help if he’s contactable im sure most people would rather be asked than just receive a letter through the door. If he is a decent man he should have no problems doing this without being ordered to do so by the authority.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/07/2023 18:26

@mummy21blueeyed

You can click to see all of OP responses on here. There's quite a bit more. She's already asked him. He's not a decent guy.

BumbleGee · 19/07/2023 18:30

I'm posting from the viewpoint of the child. I'm in my 40s and the result of a brief relationship which my mum then decided that she would raise me alone. My father didn't want to be on the birth certificate as he had two children to a previous marriage that he was having to pay child support for and he didn't want a third despite having a decent job a house and a brand new car. We struggled my whole life. Didn't have enough money for food, didn't have bus money to get places. My mum worked as a cleaner while I was at school but couldn't earn much due to benefits. I saw my Dad a handful of times and he was never bothered about having anything to do with me. I wish she'd taken him to the cleaners for child support - it wasn't fair that I grew up in poverty. I had a very loving mother and she did her best to provide for me but I do wish she hadn't been to proud to chase him for money 😞 I was so happy when each of my three children had their loving father's name on the birth certificate. If anyone ever looks up my family tree, it's like my whole Dad's side of the family don't exist.

Ceeceeeee · 19/07/2023 18:45

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, however the baby came about, both parents are responsible. I think going through child maintenance is the fairest way to do it, though he may not think so. That way you don’t have to try and figure out an amount to ask, he doesn’t get to say no I can’t pay I’m low on money this month etc, and the baby gets what the baby needs!

It’s nice of you to consider his other kids, but really that is not your responsibility. For as many kids that he fathers, it is his responsibility to contribute to their financial well-being. You are doing the right thing so don’t doubt yourself!

PocketRocket12 · 19/07/2023 18:46

You’ve had lots of advice here and seem to be on the journey now so I’ve no more to add there but did just want to say you sound like a brilliant mum and good luck with uni x

Twentytwothousand · 19/07/2023 18:48

This is your son’s money. Asking him if he’d like to contribute is incorrect- he’s obliged to, legally. It’s just working out what is needed and what is fair. I wouldn’t bring in the CSA unless he refuses. Having something coming on that might increase is easier for CSA to deal with further down the line. And find out his background- who does the electoral register show him living with, for example?

Hufflemuff · 19/07/2023 18:54

Is he on the birth certificate?

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 18:54

@BumbleGee your story is touching. I've never understood why people on MN advise others not to put the dad on the BC. It's a important document and that eventually will be handed to your DC. I know the dad can be added on at a later date... but I don't agree. Its funny because DS dad originally didn't want his name on his on Sons BC... thank God he changed his mind because we split up and I've had to take him to CMS and court since. You just never know!

You hit the nail on the head about mums been proud. My mum was the proud type I've learnt though I always ask!

Singlemum19802023 · 19/07/2023 18:55

Ponderingwindow · 18/07/2023 14:08

Morally, I think you have an obligation to claim. The money belongs to your child. By not claiming, you aren’t depriving yourself, you are depriving your child of resources.

Totally agree with this. The money isn’t for you. It’s for your child. Go straight to the CSA, that’s what it’s there for. Don’t spend the next few years fighting for when he will pay you etc. just do it through them and get what your child deserves!

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 18:58

Twentytwothousand · 19/07/2023 18:48

This is your son’s money. Asking him if he’d like to contribute is incorrect- he’s obliged to, legally. It’s just working out what is needed and what is fair. I wouldn’t bring in the CSA unless he refuses. Having something coming on that might increase is easier for CSA to deal with further down the line. And find out his background- who does the electoral register show him living with, for example?

What's a fair amount though? It's all relative we could all suggest different figures to OP.... but really money causes issues. I just find CMS is easier even if you get along because yearly reviews are done and nobody is getting short changed or lying about what they can't afford to pay. If this man was decent he would of offered to pay... a lot of men wouldn't pay if CMS didn't force them to contribute the bare minium.

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/07/2023 19:00

@Marshmar people don't put them on because they then have parental rights and can make life v v awkward for the mother out of spite, control or blackmail to stop them asking for CMS, ironically. If a couple aren't married he has to be there. If either wants to deny or establish paternity, DNA tests can be done at any point, but CMS is unconnected to the birth certificate.

SendWine · 19/07/2023 19:02

Sorry not read all the replies just OPs post so has probably been answered but just in case it’s not.

  1. claiming child maintenance doesn’t affect the birth certificate or change his rights
  2. the payments will decrease depending on how many children he says he is paying for (even if it’s not an official CMS payment he can still say he is paying for his other children and it will reduce the payments). However CMS they won’t know if he doesn’t tell them and they won’t back date the change when/if he does tell them 🤷🏻‍♀️
  3. it won’t cost you any extra to add details later on, just give them as much info as can. It sounds like you will have to go down the route where they collect the money on your behalf, so they charge him and extra 20% on top of his calculated payment, and reduce what your child receives by 4%
  4. if he wants a DNA test let him dispute it, CMS will charge him for the DNA test, it is not your responsibility to pay I hope this helps 😊
ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

FloydPepper · 19/07/2023 19:38

SendWine · 19/07/2023 19:02

Sorry not read all the replies just OPs post so has probably been answered but just in case it’s not.

  1. claiming child maintenance doesn’t affect the birth certificate or change his rights
  2. the payments will decrease depending on how many children he says he is paying for (even if it’s not an official CMS payment he can still say he is paying for his other children and it will reduce the payments). However CMS they won’t know if he doesn’t tell them and they won’t back date the change when/if he does tell them 🤷🏻‍♀️
  3. it won’t cost you any extra to add details later on, just give them as much info as can. It sounds like you will have to go down the route where they collect the money on your behalf, so they charge him and extra 20% on top of his calculated payment, and reduce what your child receives by 4%
  4. if he wants a DNA test let him dispute it, CMS will charge him for the DNA test, it is not your responsibility to pay I hope this helps 😊

Cms and birth certificates are separate yes. But to claim cms he could force a dab test which he could then use to go on the bc and claim parental responsibility.

be careful what can of worms you open

monsteramunch · 19/07/2023 19:39

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

ALL women who get pregnant have the choice to abort or adopt. As men cannot get pregnant, no men have that choice.

So is it your opinion that because men can't force an abortion or adoption, they should be permitted to walk away from any responsibility for a child if they want to?

Goodness, what a low bar.

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 19:39

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

Unfortunately once the baby is created its neither here or there how it came about. The man has other kids so his options were to learn, what did he go on to do have a one night stand? That was clever wasn't it. It's a man's world already he should of wore a condom if he didn't want a 3rd baby. HE HAD CHOICES!

BadNomad · 19/07/2023 19:40

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

That's dumb.

The natural default outcome of pregnancy is a baby. Having an abortion is a choice. Not having one isn't "making a choice" - it is just letting nature happen.

Stopthetest · 19/07/2023 19:44

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

I don't know why people keep coming here saying this, he has contact with baby so has chosen to be a Dad! 36 year old men know where babies come from, he didn't have to stick his dick in her! Do you spend your whole life making men's lives easier?

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 19:44

BibbleandSqwauk · 19/07/2023 19:00

@Marshmar people don't put them on because they then have parental rights and can make life v v awkward for the mother out of spite, control or blackmail to stop them asking for CMS, ironically. If a couple aren't married he has to be there. If either wants to deny or establish paternity, DNA tests can be done at any point, but CMS is unconnected to the birth certificate.

I'm sorry but I don't agree as stated the document belongs to the child eventually. I think this advise of not putting the father on the BC is wrong. If someone wanted to claim parental rights they could by applying to the courts. The judge would surely request a DNA test...

I'm well aware how CMS works and the BC didn't you read my own post. I don't agree with you!

SpiralHecate · 19/07/2023 19:46

While you're absolutely entitled to claim child support be careful to protect yourself, as from your posts he sounds like he could get vindictive. Once men like him are required to start paying money they can start demanding rights they wouldn't otherwise bother about, like seeking shared or full custody.

His reaction of asking for a DNA test and accusing you of 'hustling' doesn't speak well of his character, besides the fact he got you pregnant when you were only 19, do you really want this guy in your son's life? You've already observed the red flag of how he keeps coming on to you when you've made it clear you don't want a relationship.

Good luck with what you decide to do, but do check your legal rights and avoid putting his name on the birth certificate.

MumGMT · 19/07/2023 19:46

@ElizaAgainn
Of course he can be held accountable morally, and he is being held accountable by most.

Also what do you mean by "leave him alone"...this man wants to see the child occasionally so he wants to get some enjoyment out of his child without contributing in any way.

He's also a massive creep by the sounds of things, sleeping with a 19 year old and taking pictures of her when he sees her which makes her so uncomfortable that she can only see him in public places.

Original poster
Roses121 · 19/07/2023 19:48

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

I get where you’re coming from but he didn’t voice that he didn’t want the baby when I found out I was pregnant.
In fact, quite the contrary. He told me he wanted to marry me and would be there to support me. I’d already made up my mind about keeping my baby & not being romantically involved with him before I told him so the notion of ‘he didn’t want a baby with you’ ‘he resents you for getting pregnant’ etc, wasn’t the impression I got.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 19/07/2023 19:54

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him

Let him shag and run.
Let her deal with hard choices.
Abortion, adoption, single parenthood.
Don't expect him to contribute.

Did you realise what century we're in?This sounds like the story of a Victorian maid. How many women have had this story over centuries?

And now in the 21st C when there is a sniff of a chance of this man contributing to the upbringing of the child he had 50% part in creating. Contributing you know, a bit of money. Not his time, affection, guidance, or taking responsibility. And Probably not enough money. You say leave it?

Don't 'morally' anything.

moderndaywitch · 19/07/2023 19:59

ElizaAgainn · 19/07/2023 19:34

He didn't have the option of having an abortion - you did and you chose not to. Or the alternative option of getting the child adopted as soon as it was born - again...you did have that option and you chose not to. Why should he be held "accountable" for 2 choices you had/but he didn't? So - I think you know the answer in your heart of hearts, ie that it would not be reasonable to tell him to pay you maintenance money on the one hand and, if you try to do so, well you said "He's building a house in another country" and I expect you'd soon find he'd moved to that other country (even if he wasn't going to in the first place). He cannot be held accountable morally for choices he wasn't able to have any part in and I think it would be best all round to leave him alone.

'Choices he wasn't able to have any part in'

He chose to have sex with a 19 year old young woman he didn't know.