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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child maintenance one night stand

508 replies

Roses121 · 18/07/2023 13:48

I got pregnant from a one night stand 2 years ago. I was 19 at the time and he was 35. Wasn’t really thinking straight and although we used contraception I ended up pregnant.

I made the decision to keep my baby and knew full well I would be raising him on my own. I didn’t want a relationship with him.
I didn’t have any expectations for his father although he said he wanted to be in his life and has been.

My son has never stayed overnight with him as he’s breastfed (16 months now), so we’ve only ever met at public places as I would feel a bit weird having him at my place and vice versa.
When we met I was aware that he had kids (2) and he told me he had split from his ex 3 years prior. Looking back now, it’s possible he lied about the last part just to get me in to bed.
I have not met her or their kids or anyone from his family and vice versa. Contact is not that often, maybe once or twice a month.

I am starting uni in September and will have less money since I’ll have to take on less hours at work. Up until this point I have never asked him for money nor has he offered but after looking at the child maintenance calculator I think my son is entitled to 300-400 monthly.

I know that legally a man is obliged to pay this but morally speaking, would it be wrong to put in a claim since we didn’t plan the baby? Also I will add that although he was shocked when I told him I was pregnant, as was I, he never said ‘I don’t want it.’ I think it’s likely that he pays for his other kids, whether he is in a relationship with her or not, so I think it’s unfair on my son to get nothing but I’m also aware if I do claim it then he’ll have less money for his other kids so I feel a bit bad about that.
I don’t know his salary but Googling average incomes for his job are between 30-50k hence why it estimates 300-400, he is also currently building a house in another country so I know he’s not broke if you get me.

Hope this all make sense x

OP posts:
IkeaChair · 18/07/2023 20:48

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune I consider a missing/disinterested father to be a very adverse and disadvantaged circumstance.

If a child has a missing/disinterested father, the sole person responsible for that is the father himself. Nothing to do with the mother, her decisions, her sex life or anything else. Women are not responsible for the actions of men.

OP - you sound brilliant and your son is a lucky boy to have you. Do not engage with the father and his nonsense. Get the CMS ball rolling and ignore any ridiculous texts.

CM is completely disregarded for universal credit (advice upthread to the contrary is incorrect).

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 18/07/2023 20:54

blackbeardsballsack · 18/07/2023 19:38

She doesn't have to. It will just delay the CMS claim for months as he will deliberately delay the DNA test/just not do it.

She just needs to claim CSA. They will get in touch with him. He can dispute parentage if he wants to, CMS will arrange the DNA test but payments will then be backdated.

Ah, sorry. I have experienced DNA test situation with a young male family member recently and I must have misunderstood. I thought he had organised it himself. CMS must have done. Teaches me to listen properly!

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/07/2023 21:33

Gingerboy22 · 18/07/2023 17:35

Is this referring to the OP?

Anyone really.

But the OP isn't shirking the responsibility of her actions. Only he is.

Roses121 · 19/07/2023 11:00

I filed for CMS last night.
I didn’t know his phone number, address or national insurance number.
We have always communicated on WhatsApp but when copying his number in it didn’t let me as it’s not a UK number. I think he probably has 2 phones then.

I asked him for his address so that I can put it on the form and he replied, ‘Do I know your address tho?’ Lol thankfully not 😂.
I’m doubtful that they will even be able to trace him, the only things I put down was his name & date of birth & previous employer.

Does anyone know if they come back and say they can’t find him will I have to pay again to add more info? If I messaged his other kids mum I could potentially get info from her (obviously not guaranteed tho as have no idea how she would react.) I’m thinking to say to him if it comes to it, if you refuse to give me the details needed for the case I will contact her. But then that’s blackmail and I don’t want to be the bad guy in all this.

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 19/07/2023 11:08

It's not blackmail to do the right thing for your child. No matter what you do he will see you as the bad guy so forget that, it's irrelevant. I'd try and avoid involving the other mother if possible just for simplicity, but if that's the only way, well then you have to.

moderndaywitch · 19/07/2023 11:12

Roses121 · 19/07/2023 11:00

I filed for CMS last night.
I didn’t know his phone number, address or national insurance number.
We have always communicated on WhatsApp but when copying his number in it didn’t let me as it’s not a UK number. I think he probably has 2 phones then.

I asked him for his address so that I can put it on the form and he replied, ‘Do I know your address tho?’ Lol thankfully not 😂.
I’m doubtful that they will even be able to trace him, the only things I put down was his name & date of birth & previous employer.

Does anyone know if they come back and say they can’t find him will I have to pay again to add more info? If I messaged his other kids mum I could potentially get info from her (obviously not guaranteed tho as have no idea how she would react.) I’m thinking to say to him if it comes to it, if you refuse to give me the details needed for the case I will contact her. But then that’s blackmail and I don’t want to be the bad guy in all this.

I don't really see it as blackmail to be honest, he is the one who is in the wrong for not paying for his child. He is banking on you being too naive, young and weak. He is the fully grown adult here, he knew the consequences of his actions but he's hoping to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

He is vile. I think you should message the other woman anyway, if I were her I would want to know! And there will be ways to trace his address, I'm sure CMS has had this situation before.

MaxwellCat · 19/07/2023 11:15

I’m not sure how helpful the other woman would be as you claiming maintenance will mean hers get less…

moderndaywitch · 19/07/2023 11:16

MaxwellCat · 19/07/2023 11:15

I’m not sure how helpful the other woman would be as you claiming maintenance will mean hers get less…

I am betting he is still with and 'happily married' to the other woman.

Roses121 · 19/07/2023 11:43

So if they are still together I’m guessing she is not claiming child maintenance?
If they’re not and she is claiming, will the money my son is entitled be the same amount as if they were together and she wasn’t claiming?
sorry am just confused 😐
also, yes you’re right she may have no interest in helping me as it means less money for her kids. But then she’s directing her anger towards my son and not the man that made him. That’s something she’ll have to live with.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 19/07/2023 11:46

Don't they reduce maintenance depending on how many children are living with the NRP, whether his or not?

Frankola · 19/07/2023 12:19

You're perfectly entitled to get maintenance from this man, regardless of the situation your baby was conceived in.

I suggest you apply for maintenance. It could be a huge help to you. The state of his marriage is of no concern to you, if your ex lied then he lied. That's not your fault and you still need to provide for your child.

Congratulations on university 🥳

Roses121 · 19/07/2023 12:26

toomuchlaundry · 19/07/2023 11:46

Don't they reduce maintenance depending on how many children are living with the NRP, whether his or not?

Yeah I heard that but what if he doesn’t live with them? And she’s not claiming?

OP posts:
Roses121 · 19/07/2023 12:27

Also thanks to everyone who congratulated me about uni. I’m really scared tbh 😬 of the workload and juggling everything that comes with being a mum.
but if it goes well then it will benefit me and my son massively so trying to be hopeful x

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 19/07/2023 12:29

If he is living with children, regardless of if they are his it not, your maintenance would be less. If he is not living with them but paying maintenance for them that will likewise affect your amount, but don't get ahead of yourself..get him pinned down to actually paying first.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/07/2023 12:31

If you know name and rough area you could try searching electoral roll?

CombatBarbie · 19/07/2023 13:16

It can be done on name, dob and any previous employer these days.

whynotwhatknot · 19/07/2023 13:46

if youve got his previous epomplyer then they'll find hm through hmrc and get a court order if necessary for the
dna test
might take a bit longer

i thinik hes still with his wife/partner thats why he doesnt see you alot

dont let this go

momtoboys · 19/07/2023 15:32

MrsSquirrel · 18/07/2023 15:26

I don't find it strange. It was a ONS. He was probably married at the time. He probably was and is not being 100% honest with her.

Yes, but clearly in the last two years if he has seen the child they have had the opportunity to talk?

AndyMcFlurry · 19/07/2023 15:37

Roses121 · 19/07/2023 11:00

I filed for CMS last night.
I didn’t know his phone number, address or national insurance number.
We have always communicated on WhatsApp but when copying his number in it didn’t let me as it’s not a UK number. I think he probably has 2 phones then.

I asked him for his address so that I can put it on the form and he replied, ‘Do I know your address tho?’ Lol thankfully not 😂.
I’m doubtful that they will even be able to trace him, the only things I put down was his name & date of birth & previous employer.

Does anyone know if they come back and say they can’t find him will I have to pay again to add more info? If I messaged his other kids mum I could potentially get info from her (obviously not guaranteed tho as have no idea how she would react.) I’m thinking to say to him if it comes to it, if you refuse to give me the details needed for the case I will contact her. But then that’s blackmail and I don’t want to be the bad guy in all this.

No you only pay the £10 once to start your claim. After that you can register online and upload any info you have about him.

Don’t you know where he works ? What do you talk about when you meet up ? Do you know his car registration number? The names and ages of his other children ? His wife will no doubt be claiming child benefit for them.

Marshmar · 19/07/2023 16:08

Its £20 fee for CMS that was quite some time back now it may have increased since covid.

Lacucuracha · 19/07/2023 16:21

Glad you have applied, OP. Hopefully they can find him. Do you know anything else about him, his workplace, business type, car reg number etc?

Sigmama · 19/07/2023 16:23

Good luck with it all, what a cock, he should have offered maintenance in the first place

sunglassesonthetable · 19/07/2023 17:17

The responsibility runs two ways. As a woman, I've always thought it unfair that women can have recreational sex and know there's an out, but men can't have recreational sex without the possibility of a lifelong obligation arising against their will. It's a wonder more don't get vasectomies at an early age.

Did I just read this!!!! ?

On balance, across the course of time I think we all know who's been having the recreational sex and who's been carrying the life long responsibility of children.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/07/2023 17:21

OP you're doing just great.

Your baby's father should be sharing the cost of his upbringing.

And we'll done for your Uni place. You sound like the sort of level headed person who will do well.

Your child will be so proud of you when they are older.

sunglassesonthetable · 19/07/2023 18:09

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Still thinking about your comment! And those poor men without an 'out'.

Because of course men have famously been carrying the burden of unwanted pregnancy for like ever. 🙄