Where have all the good men gone?

[MardiMoo]

I know, I know. I am looking in the wrong places or not giving this enough time. I am getting divorced at the moment and would like to explore finding a nice, responsible, chap. But. It seems like a lot of us are chasing the same smallish group of ‘good-catches’.

When I was a younger woman, it seemed easy to find so many potential partners but now the men are very picky and seem able to exercise many, many ‘options’ (other women).

And so many successful men my age (50) seem to chase younger women in their 30s - and do so very successfully it seems. Where are the men of my age range looking for something serious that are at least semi ‘put together’ in their lives. I am a career woman btw.

AIBU in my assessment of the dating scene now or is it really that much harder now?

People having standards and being picky seems a good thing. Though it does make things harder.

Everyone's standards are different.

Someone actually thinks my ex is a catch!

@Lifechangesalot - mine too! Took him about 5 minutes to find a women, 38, as a new ‘partner’!

Maybe I am too ‘picky’ - I also feel too old given that so many men my age still want (and often get) ladies in their late thirties or early forties!

I should imagine many of the good ones are still married/in long term relationships because their partners want to keep hold of them.

The ones 'out there and available' are more likely to be the ones who have been dumped by dissatisfied exes or are the type who doesn't like to commit.

Yep - most men who have the option to date younger women, will do. I work in a mostly male environment so hear/see this a lot. Some of them just wish they could date younger women, others actually manage it.

Plenty of 'older women' do find good ones though, it might just require a bit more time and effort. My friend has just got engaged to a man she's been with for 3 years, she met him on a train. She's 57 and he's 61.

I'm in my mid 50s, 8 years since my last relationship.
I started seeing someone last month - not OLD - who seemed grounded, lovely and just really nice.
But then, out of the blue, he sent me an unasked for full frontal naked photo, and it's just put me off him completely!
Not his body, but the fact that he thought this was okay.
What is it with men and naked photos???

Oof no advice OP, but all the luck in the world to you.

DH and I joke (sort of) that if something goes wrong and we find ourselves single again, I’m going to look for a nunnery and he says he’ll become a recluse.

We sound about the same age and my dating/single years were spent in bars and clubs like god intended. I think I would fail miserably at the current dating scene.

I think it’s just a numbers game. Lots of people haven’t settled down in their 20’s. Many more people in their 50’s are married or in committed relationships.

I think many people’s standards get higher as they age too (which is a good thing!).

Don’t give up though, my mum met her lovely DP in her 50’s. It took a bit of time to find the right person, but they are so happy together now.

I'm in my 50s and have given up tbh. Any decent guy of my age, who was at least average looking, could get someone younger, as you say. I knew 2 male colleagues in their 50's. Both ended up with women of between 35 and 40. And these men weren't even great catches! Low paid jobs, not particularly good looking, personalities were ok but nothing outstanding.

I don't want to date men in their 60's and beyond! I also don't want to date younger. So to be blunt, it's not going to happen.

The only men of my age interested in me, are those who have way too many flaws or negatives about them. I'm not interested in that either.

I know what you mean, op. I really do think part of it is men in their late 40s and beyond looking for women about 20 years younger, which leaves women in those age groups in a bind. And as a previous poster said, the best ones don’t go on the market!

Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.

Just be persistent OP, you'll find someone eventually.

I have to disagree with you @onefinemess
Of all the men I know in their 50s only one is what I would class as good looking. The rest all look like potatos 😂
Whereas my female friends in their 50's still make an effort with hair, make up, nice clothes etc and they look a lot better than their male counterparts.

I have friends from school (male and female) on my facebook. Nearly 40 years on from leaving school I can still recognise all the women. The men on the other hand, I cannot.

I couldn’t disagree more. I’m in my 50’s and the men my age look so much older and in worse condition than the single women.

They seem to have a lot more confidence in themselves though which probably makes the difference

Oh yuck. In what context did he send that?

the good ones got married in their late 20s and stayed married

I'm same as you, but I realise that ship has well and truly sailed and am resigned to being single forever

the small amount of divorced but good men are probably still hanging out with their mutual friends while their ex wife is there

the ones who wanted to wait until their early 50s to settle down are not looking for us, they're looking for fertile women

the fairytale fit older guy who's just never got attached but wants an intelligent over 40s woman is from a movie and not real

Well, I'm still looking! I'm 52. Having said that I just ended a two year relationship with a 'nice' bloke but I didn't agree with a lot of things that came out of his mouth and I got the ick.

I think we are much less tolerant. Personally, I don't want to get married again, share finances with someone or put up with any crap. And I also agree with whoever it was that said women in their 50s (in the majority) look better than men of the same age. Or at least, that's what I found when doing OLD.

The pool is small and it's getting smaller 😫

@onefinemess wow!

I’m 55 and most of the men I went to school with have certainly not aged well. Whereas the women I know in their 50s look great!

OP I hear you. I’ve pretty much given up.
I’m financially comfortable, am in an established career, own my own home, and despite what @onefinemess may think, despite being over 50 I’ve not got a face like a bag of spanners 😂

I’d just like a man who’s not chasing 30 year olds, is decent and kind, and brings the same to the table that I do!

Jeff Bezos's fiancee is only six years younger than him. There's hope for you yet! 😄

Hard disagree to that. Also - speak for yourself! 😆

Eh? Absolutely not! Most guys in their 50's are overweight with no hair. They are most definitely not on a par with the 50 something females I know who take very good care of themselves. The guys still think they can pull a 20 year old, mind you..🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@onefinemess @EmpressSoleil - I think both of you are right in my experience…the trouble is the men who have aged well and have their act together are really in demand and not just from well preserved ladies of our age. I think I look pretty good but only pretty good for my age…I am essentially competing with 35-44 year old versions of myself and well…I don’t st k yo so well then.

Those that ‘look like a bag of spuds’ do still ask for nudes or undie pics online btw - I have been surprised.

A very nice lady friend of mine, looks after herself, intelligent and the rest started dating a handsome, single, successful chap she had known as a friend for years - then he was posted for 6 months to a major city in Asia and it was game-over! Seems he was chased relentlessly by career women there (not some bar scene type thingy) in their early thirties who thought him a catch and he broke things off within a month. :(

Competition seems rife due to online dating and matching now - I can see why a number of lovely ladies in my demographic are giving up tbh!

*Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.8

The idea that men age better than women is put about by men so they can justify themselves chasing women 20 years their junior, as if it's normal and their right. It's bollocks. If they haven't exercised, have a poor diet and no dress sense, they'll just look dreadful.

It may also be that now you're older and know yourself better your idea of what a good man looks like to you is more niche, so whereas years ago you had a wider pool to consider now it's smaller anyway as lots will be settled down but you also know who you are and what type of person would add fulfillment to your life.

The man in your example who moved to Asia probably wouldn't come under your definition of a good man anyway given he's succumbed quickly to attention and flattery from younger women. I also disagree that men age better than women and that we're just socially conditioned to feel that way, I know plenty of older women who look far younger and fresher than their married counterparts.

It does become more difficult as you get older but it's not impossible at all. In your 20s you're (typically) bright eyed and bushy tailed enthusiasm. Then after a relationship or two and over the years...

Stay positive and engaging.

I'm 40s and currently have a man in his 30s who likes me. I keep thinking "don't you want someone younger?"

I met my husband when i was 50 and he was 45. There are good one's out there.