Page 4 | Where have all the good men gone?

MardiMoo · 2023-07-18T11:25:56+00:00

I know, I know. I am looking in the wrong places or not giving this enough time. I am getting divorced at the moment and would like to explore finding a nice, responsible, chap. But. It seems like a lot of us are chasing the same smallish group of ‘good-catches’. When I was a younger woman, it seemed easy to find so many potential partners but now the men are very picky and seem able to exercise many, many ‘options’ (other women). And so many successful men my age (50) seem to chase younger women in their 30s - and do so very successfully it seems. Where are the men of my age range looking for something serious that are at least semi ‘put together’ in their lives. I am a career woman btw. AIBU in my assessment of the dating scene now or is it really that much harder now?

WitheringTights000 · 18/07/2023 21:23

@Oceanus - thank you! I am hoping it works out. It's tough being single in a small place definitely....I am actually considering a Toronto to go and work in as it's one of my favourite cities and I can get a visa...but it's rather chilly in the winter and I do really hate the cold 🙃🙃

@EmmaEmerald -yea maybe this guy is nice and I am being a bit harsh with the god complex comment. And sounds like there are lots of physical things your boyfriend likes about you 😀

@Movingalonghopingforup - you have just given me a bad image in my head haha it may give me a nightmare tonight 😝

@Livinghappy - older than my dad actually. I would be lying if I said his wealth didn't interest me slightly. It ain't easy being single and not making a lot of money, sounds maybe a little shallow but I'm just being honest!

5128gap · 18/07/2023 21:26

onefinemess · 18/07/2023 14:10

Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.

Just be persistent OP, you'll find someone eventually.

Gracious. If Dave from sales, Alan who fitted my bathroom, and the 'lads' from my school year are actually better looking than me I think I'm over due an appointment with my optician.
Standing on the balcony looking down at our recent school reunion all I could think of was Ooh...tuna mayo...or cheese and beans?

Amispringy · 18/07/2023 21:28

onefinemess · 18/07/2023 14:10

Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.

Just be persistent OP, you'll find someone eventually.

I wonder what men you know!

And it is never helpful to say that "you'll meet someone eventually"

The odds are that she won't. And how does that make us feel when we don't actually meet someone.

Goldencup · 18/07/2023 21:30

MrLbz · 18/07/2023 15:30

As a 51M my observation is that there is simply a larger gap between people who have it together and those who don't later in life.

25 years ago nearly everyone was just into their first job, hadn't had any major health issues, had 0-1 kids, nobody owned their house outright or had any real assets.

At 51 people can run marathons, or be twice the weight they should be. They can be independently wealthy millionaires or living month to month working at Tesco. They might rent or own their house outright, have 4 kids at home or have an empty nest.

Whilst one might have dated someone with "potential" 25 years ago, the result of life choices is now apparent, and depending on your preferences can leave a much smaller selection of suitable people.

Wise words.

CopperSeahorses · 18/07/2023 21:45

I met (via online dating, we would never have met in real life) and married a good man when we were in our 50s, sadly I am approaching my 60th in a few weeks time as his widow.

5128gap · 18/07/2023 21:48

onefinemess · 18/07/2023 17:53

Sorry, why are you all adamant that older women look better than men of the same age?

I've passed plenty of schools at kicking out time and the vast majority of women waiting outside were pretty grim in terms of their appearance.

Fake up, hair extensions and a posh frock don't count!

Well those of us who think it are speaking from our experience. You can tell us all day long that older men look better than older women and it won't change what we see with our own eyes, or make a single mediocre looking man more attractive to us, so what's the point?
I'm not going to be suddenly persuaded I need to get to the back of a queue of 30 year olds for a chance at 50 year old Brian, just because I'm told on MN he's aged better than I have, particularly when I can see for myself it's untrue.

CuriouslyDifferent · 18/07/2023 22:01

saltinesandcoffeecups · 18/07/2023 13:27

Oof no advice OP, but all the luck in the world to you.

DH and I joke (sort of) that if something goes wrong and we find ourselves single again, I’m going to look for a nunnery and he says he’ll become a recluse.

We sound about the same age and my dating/single years were spent in bars and clubs like god intended. I think I would fail miserably at the current dating scene.

Love your plan for if you both end up single.

im 54, if I end up a single man again, I wont ever get in a relationship again, and I will just travel the world, til I find somewhere quiet, remote, beautiful, with an amazing vineyard on the doorstep, and plenty of logs for my fire. I’ll get myself a dog and he can take me for walks all the time…. Not quite a recluse, but I’m pretty much done with people, politics and group think.

memoriesofamiga · 18/07/2023 22:02

I have several single male friends in my circle (all single dads, either widowed or divorced) who are around the age 50 mark. They all want younger women as partners, for different reasons. The only successful ones are either still good looking, or have money. In the case of those with money, they spend their time demonstrating their worth by spending lots of it to 'keep' a younger girlfriend with them. It doesn't always work of course.

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/07/2023 22:11

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 18/07/2023 21:16

I love the general narrative on this thread that older women in the dating pool are by default inherently 'good', have their shit together, look after themselves, have no baggage and are a bit of a catch and that the similarly aged men are the polar opposite. Any casual observation walking down the average UK high street demonstrates that most over 50s, men and women, clearly don't look after themselves!

But it's pretty much true! Women aged 50+ are usually attractive and stylish and confident - and DO have their shit together, and are more successful and have their life in order, good organisational skills, plenty of friends, and a good relationship with their adult DC (if they have any.)

Men aged 50+ who are single/divorced etc, are often a hot mess. It's normally wifey who dumped them as men rarely leave as they know they have got it made being married. They've usually got a pot belly, are balding, have bad posture, and hardly any style and are absolutely desperate for a woman and a shag. They have no idea how to treat women properly though, as they have got used to treating women/their wife like shit for several decades ... The desperation from some men is laughable ... women of the same age are nowhere near as desperate and are a lot more fussy.

Pissing myself laughing at @onefinemess who actually suggested that men in their 50s are much better looking than women in their 50s. Absolute crock of shit. 😆 I reckon I know one in five men 50+ who actually look OK/good, but four out of five women 50+ who look good.

This absolute garbage that men age better than women is just farcical and laughable ... It's not been true for about 60 years now. Women are just generally more attractive and appealing than men anyway to be honest with you, and men getting worse as they get older - not better.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 22:21

Lifechangesalot · 18/07/2023 13:10

Everyone's standards are different.

Someone actually thinks my ex is a catch!

So did you once though he's probably using the same chat all over again

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/07/2023 22:23

Aintnosupermum · 18/07/2023 15:10

I have noticed that as I lose weight the quality of men interested in me improves. I refuse to do online dating and met a variety of men who express an interest. Just this weekend I was in ikea and a guy chatted me up. We had lunch together. He asked me why I was divorced which put me off so I’m not following up.

If the men aren’t good enough think of your environment and change it. Let’s face it, I have zero interest in dating meatball man. He went out of his way to stop into ikea to have meatballs for lunch. That’s not for me. The guy working at Costco yesterday paid me a compliment about my dress opening up the potential for dialogue but again, I have zero interest in dating someone like that.

Where I am likely to find someone that’s right for me is through alumni events, industry dinners and museum events. Nothing wrong with meatball man or Mr Costco but know what’s going to work for you relationship wise and put yourself in the path of those men.

I think why are you divorced is a reasonable question you can tell a lot about a person by the way they speak about exes and former relationships

EmmaEmerald · 18/07/2023 22:46

The "meatballs in Ikea" thing interested me, because if I had been looking for a boyfriend over the years, it's not something that would put me off. But I've never been to Ikea, never mind eaten there.

my best friend was once seriously put off by a guy saying he didn't eat seafood.

WitheringTights000 · 18/07/2023 22:54

@EmmaEmerald - I have only been once or twice, but never eaten in it. I know people who go just for the meatballs, maybe we are missing out?! 😂😅

Oceanus · 18/07/2023 23:00

@EmmaEmerald I think the difference is it sounds like your boyfriend looks at you and sees a hot woman he wants to f*ck. This 63 y.o. surgeon doesn't come across as even particularly "shaggable" from what was said. You sound a bit defensive tbh. You should own your relationship otherwise what's the point?

bluebeardswife7 · 18/07/2023 23:02

I have this theory that a 50 year old man who only showers once a week, and lives in his mothers house, some woman will look at him and think "I can do something with that" while he is thinking "where is my nuts model??"

WisherWood · 18/07/2023 23:06

He asked me why I was divorced which put me off so I’m not following up.

Did he ask rudely or abruptly or something? Or was it because you'd only just met that it seemed intrusive? I just find it can be quite handy to find out why someone's previous relationships haven't worked out. How people talk about exes can be quite revealing.

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 18/07/2023 23:07

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/07/2023 22:11

But it's pretty much true! Women aged 50+ are usually attractive and stylish and confident - and DO have their shit together, and are more successful and have their life in order, good organisational skills, plenty of friends, and a good relationship with their adult DC (if they have any.)

Men aged 50+ who are single/divorced etc, are often a hot mess. It's normally wifey who dumped them as men rarely leave as they know they have got it made being married. They've usually got a pot belly, are balding, have bad posture, and hardly any style and are absolutely desperate for a woman and a shag. They have no idea how to treat women properly though, as they have got used to treating women/their wife like shit for several decades ... The desperation from some men is laughable ... women of the same age are nowhere near as desperate and are a lot more fussy.

Pissing myself laughing at @onefinemess who actually suggested that men in their 50s are much better looking than women in their 50s. Absolute crock of shit. 😆 I reckon I know one in five men 50+ who actually look OK/good, but four out of five women 50+ who look good.

This absolute garbage that men age better than women is just farcical and laughable ... It's not been true for about 60 years now. Women are just generally more attractive and appealing than men anyway to be honest with you, and men getting worse as they get older - not better.

Show quote history

There is an awful lot of projection and bias in your first two paragraphs. You just want this to be true. Maybe if you are walking down Bond Street or people watching down Harvey Nicks all these 50+ women you see are as fabulas as you describe. Try watching people down Tescos or Asda, not quite the stylish successful people parade you allude to is it? For every badly dressed out of shape bloke shuffling about there is a similar looking woman not far away.

EmmaEmerald · 18/07/2023 23:12

Oceanus · 18/07/2023 23:00

@EmmaEmerald I think the difference is it sounds like your boyfriend looks at you and sees a hot woman he wants to f*ck. This 63 y.o. surgeon doesn't come across as even particularly "shaggable" from what was said. You sound a bit defensive tbh. You should own your relationship otherwise what's the point?

Not sure what I said that caused this reply?

I am not hot in any way 😂 I think our relationship has happened much more naturally from being acquaintances. "Own your relationship" - not sure what that means, but it is hard for me to get my head around being in one. I think that's fair enough after years of being single.

in terms of the 63 year old, I don't recall if his shaggability was mentioned tbh.

Foxblue · 18/07/2023 23:16

Agree with the 'eyes wide open' comments.

Women just arent willing to be housekeepers any more - we aren't desperate to find ANY man because we need providing for - talking about red flags and bad behaviour is much more acceptable so we are learning in advance - and perhaps the slowest moving but most significant aspect, societally its more acceptable to leave a relationship when you are simply unhappy, as opposed to having a 'reason' like infidelity.

AzureBlue99 · 18/07/2023 23:19

There are equal numbers of good looking 50 + women and men. There are equal numbers of people who have let themselves go 50 plus

MsCactus · 18/07/2023 23:31

onefinemess · 18/07/2023 14:10

Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.

Just be persistent OP, you'll find someone eventually.

I have to disagree with this. My mum and her sisters look amazing in their 50s/60s (and look at celebs like JLo!!!) their DP all look old/out of shape/balding.

I would say some women age well, some men age well... It's not dependent on sex

WildestDreamsSunset · 18/07/2023 23:33

onefinemess · Today 14:10
*Men in their 50s (I'm generalising here) look a lot better for their age than we do in our 50s. So it's not just possible for them to date women 20 years younger, it's actually very common.

Just be persistent OP, you'll find someone eventually.*

You’re kidding right? I’m currently online dating and most men in their fifties age very badly - they don’t seem to care about their appearance and have faces like a bag of spanners. Let’s not forget they can’t take a decent selfie if their life depended on it, which really doesn’t help….

NoNonsensePotato · 18/07/2023 23:33

Isn't there actual scientific basis in men aging better? Like they have less thin skin or more collagen or something?

Obv plenty drink too much beer and get fat which is a different scenario. A man dating a woman ten years younger doesn't look too odd, but in the reverse situation the woman will usually look much older. People get annoyed about it as they think it's sexist but it's just biology.

If I'm wrong why aren't there loads of 30yo men dating women in their 50s?

ladydimitrescu · 18/07/2023 23:34

morejumpingfrogs · 18/07/2023 14:59

And where are all the gods?? 😆

Beat me to it!

cloudsandream · 18/07/2023 23:48

Newgolddream70 · 18/07/2023 14:22

Well, I'm still looking! I'm 52. Having said that I just ended a two year relationship with a 'nice' bloke but I didn't agree with a lot of things that came out of his mouth and I got the ick.

I think we are much less tolerant. Personally, I don't want to get married again, share finances with someone or put up with any crap. And I also agree with whoever it was that said women in their 50s (in the majority) look better than men of the same age. Or at least, that's what I found when doing OLD.

The pool is small and it's getting smaller 😫

Getting the ‘ick’ when you’re 52 oh please.