Where have all the good men gone?

[MardiMoo]

I know, I know. I am looking in the wrong places or not giving this enough time. I am getting divorced at the moment and would like to explore finding a nice, responsible, chap. But. It seems like a lot of us are chasing the same smallish group of ‘good-catches’.

When I was a younger woman, it seemed easy to find so many potential partners but now the men are very picky and seem able to exercise many, many ‘options’ (other women).

And so many successful men my age (50) seem to chase younger women in their 30s - and do so very successfully it seems. Where are the men of my age range looking for something serious that are at least semi ‘put together’ in their lives. I am a career woman btw.

AIBU in my assessment of the dating scene now or is it really that much harder now?

And where are all the gods?? 😆

Oh sorry, posted without reading first 😬 I'll turn my Bonnie Tyler down a bit ...

Porn's fault

I have noticed that as I lose weight the quality of men interested in me improves. I refuse to do online dating and met a variety of men who express an interest. Just this weekend I was in ikea and a guy chatted me up. We had lunch together. He asked me why I was divorced which put me off so I’m not following up.

If the men aren’t good enough think of your environment and change it. Let’s face it, I have zero interest in dating meatball man. He went out of his way to stop into ikea to have meatballs for lunch. That’s not for me. The guy working at Costco yesterday paid me a compliment about my dress opening up the potential for dialogue but again, I have zero interest in dating someone like that.

Where I am likely to find someone that’s right for me is through alumni events, industry dinners and museum events. Nothing wrong with meatball man or Mr Costco but know what’s going to work for you relationship wise and put yourself in the path of those men.

Oh yuck. In what context did he send that?
@wineschmine he's on holiday and asked if I wanted to see his tan - a full frontal flasher photo, spreadeagled on a bed was definitely not what I was expecting - or wanted!

@coxesorangepippin - do you think porn is really playing a role? My ex used it increasingly and I did wonder…not that this was on the surface the issue for us.

😂

I think a lot of the good looking ones have settled down.

However I know 2 single men both good careers one is a single dad and other is single no kids, late 40s, both good looking. The latter has moved back to his home country (Sardinia) but says everyone’s settled down! He’s made his fortune and is building a house there but has a brother in London. The other is an interior designer living in London. Message me if any of you are interested. The Italian has no baggage at all and lived and worked in London for many years.

I think many women have their eyes wider open than they used to.

They're living with the fairies in the land of unicorns at the end of a rainbow. They come out on february 29, the rest of the time they walk around incognito...

From my observations as a woman in my 30's - this just isn't true. Most men in their 50's and beyond have bad teeth, a beer belly and not much hair. Plus they dress terribly. I certainly wouldn't be going for any of them. The elusive 'attractive man in his 50's - AKA Silver Fox' is only something I ever see on tv.

I would honestly say that women my age who date much older do so because these men are more likely to be financially able to support a family, and mature enough to want to settle down and be committed, whereas that's more difficult to get from guys in their 20's and 30's these days. They basically make a calculated choice about who would be a better father and provider based on the availably options.

It's not that these men in their 50's are somehow magically irresistible, despite what they might think.

A confluence of several things, I think.

1. The definition of 'good man' has risen far beyond 'doesn't spend all his money on booze or hit me'. As it should have, of course. But men have been slow to catch up, especially in your age range and above.

2. Properly decent men tend to marry the right woman and stay married. This limits your pool to widowers and men who picked the wrong woman - both of whom will have some ishoos remaining, however decent they are.

3. Wanting a younger woman is weirdly ingrained in a majority of men. It does indicate a shallow and/or misogynist mindset: you're not missing out on much there, but it takes a big chunk out of your potential pool.

4. Some men want to start another family, often because they realise they did a shoddy job first time round. Such a man wants a young woman with the equanimity to handle his disappointed earlier family.

5. Porn gives men absolutely horrible expectations of sex and women. Your properly decent man doesn't use it, but general pornification is inescapable. It rubs off, feeding the horrible expectations & younger woman fixation.

So, yeah, the numbers are against us! They're still out there, you just need more patience and luck - and to maintain your standards ruthlessly.

I'm among the growing cohort of women who've decided it's too much bloody effort for a very uncertain reward. I'd rather put that effort into myself! But if you know this is what you want, go for it May the odds be ever in your favour!

The good ones are married and settled down quite young.
Unfortunately a lot of men are selfish dickheads with emperor complexes. I'm including my partner, dad and brother in that!

The men I know who are my age (38) and single are painfully shy/ very inexperienced or compulsive players. I can think of one man who I went to uni with, he's attractive and a nice person but his last partner cheated on him so I think he's given up for now.

If I ever found myself single again (and I hope I do!) I would never want to have a relationship again. I'd settle for a gentleman caller or a powerful vibrator 😆

As a 51M my observation is that there is simply a larger gap between people who have it together and those who don't later in life.

25 years ago nearly everyone was just into their first job, hadn't had any major health issues, had 0-1 kids, nobody owned their house outright or had any real assets.

At 51 people can run marathons, or be twice the weight they should be. They can be independently wealthy millionaires or living month to month working at Tesco. They might rent or own their house outright, have 4 kids at home or have an empty nest.

Whilst one might have dated someone with "potential" 25 years ago, the result of life choices is now apparent, and depending on your preferences can leave a much smaller selection of suitable people.

I met DH when he was 41. I was 42 with 2 young kids. Got married last year after 10 years together. At 52 he is slim and athletic and still has hair, doesn't look like a potato at all. There is hope...

I’m 51 and dating a man a year older than me. Have had interest and dates with 2-3 other men over the past year all similar ages to me or slightly older.

Met them on Happn, think men prefer this as less chance of waffle and more chat and meet. Met a nice Argentinian man 10 years younger through bumble but he just wasn’t my type!

A man I met through friends on a night out who though was a sort of catch turned out to be a bit “wild” and liked as most men do fast nice cars etc still wanted to meet a woman to date and have kids with at his age, he’s prob my age. I kept thinking unless you do a mail order bride there’s zero to a low chance of that happening now!

Then he is the exception rather than the rule...

Dime I’m in my 40s dating a man in his 20s. I dropped him twice because I thought he “should” be dating someone younger. But now I get it and he’s a great support to me as well as everything else. It might last 5 minutes, it might last five years but that’s okay with me as I enjoyed years of being single and I expect I will do again. We’re a good fit atm.

30, very soon to be 31.

Recently been asked out by a 63 year old.

He is a surgeon and probably has a god complex.

the sad thing is I am actually considering it as my experience with men my age has been downright distressing.

a few friends have encouraged it also….

Goodness me, I don't ahve a problem with age gaps but he's close to retirement and the best is yet to come at your age. You're TOO young to settle like that. If he had Elon Musk's bank account, looked like Brad Pitt or was a smooth talker I'd say go and have fun, see what it's like, but you're not even that excited. Just no, I don't know you but honestly find somebody else, don't even go on a date with this guy. As for the friends saying go for it, I wonder whether they would go for it.

@Oceanus - Brad Pitt I would date in a heartbeat haha....

I'm not so sure if the best is yet to come at my age....like many pp's have said, I think the good ones are gone by now. The good ones I know seemed to have settled down by their mid 20's.

I don't know if it even would be settling tbh. He is wealthy (deffo not Elon musk wealthy 😂)

And I think the friends who are encouraging me would deffo go by the sounds of things 😂

@WitheringTights000 Honestly, you sound as excited about him as I was the last time I went to a super fancy restaurant that serves nothing but fish when I wanted to eat bloody meat. I asked for a burger and the "burger" was literally three shrimps stuck together. I was disappointed when I looked at the menu, disappointed with the food, the bill gave me a heart attack and I'm still recovering.
If your gut's telling you no, then listen to it. Where do you live? I lived in London when I was 30 and I had quite a bit of fun then. Bigger places are easier to meet people I think. You sound like you're in a small place where everybody knows everybody else. Expand your life because honestly, at 63, sooner or later the sex will be over and unless he's fab in other ways (and again, you don't sound that excited) it'll be over and your best years will be gone. You're too young to settle and you have a lot more to live. I wouldn't want to invest in a 63 y.o. at that age. The money thing was a joke really, it's great for a while but it's not the glue that holds a relationship together. He could be dipped in the gold and still not be attractive.

This is very very true. I’m mid 40s and you know what you're getting now. You also have a track record to use that you didn’t have when you were 25.

I won’t touch a man who isn’t divorced (separated doesn’t count) and who isn’t willingly paying and supporting his children. It’s extremely attractive to me to have a man who supports their children both with their time and money.

My reply was to @MrLbz