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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

366 replies

grassverge · 18/07/2023 00:06

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatWriterInTheCorner · 18/07/2023 09:00

Well, at least he's mentioned this on the right side of the altar. It's a horrible, horrible situation, but going through with the wedding will absolutely make everything more difficult when (not if) their relationship comes to an end.

Step one is to cancel the wedding. They will both then have some breathing space to disentangle their finances. It will be hard, and possibly expensive. But getting divorced would cost all of that, plus the costs of getting divorced on top.

Batalax · 18/07/2023 09:00

Poor woman.
Basically does she want to gamble £150k on the fact he will maybe start loving her again. He’s actually done her a favour telling her now- not that she’ll see it that way at the moment.

Laiste · 18/07/2023 09:01

I had cold feet before my first wedding. I was 18 though, and didn't feel i could pull out.

The marriage limped through 15 strange years - 3 beautiful kids out of it, so some good came. But in the end i got to an age when i was old enough to be brave enough to walk away. (kids came with me).

I've been with DH2 longer than H1 now. When it's right you know it's right. When it's wrong ... don't go through with it Flowers

Unicorn34 · 18/07/2023 09:01

Please try to talk her out of marrying him. If they are already in the house (sorry I didn't have time to read the whole thread) then maybe she needs to move out with her daughter and rent out the bigger house, hopefully this would give her enough money for the mortgage and she can also rent something for herself much smaller (but much happier for both of them).

Laiste · 18/07/2023 09:02

Blossomtoes · 18/07/2023 08:59

He’s done her a favour.

Yep.
She won't see it yet. But she will.

user1471538283 · 18/07/2023 09:10

She is heartbroken and this isn't the future she thought she would have but even if he changes his mind about the wedding more grief is just waiting in the wings and it will be worse next time around.

She needs to cancel the wedding as soon as possible. People who care will understand.

He and his children need to leave and she will probably have to sell the house if she cannot afford it.

But she is in a much better position that a lot of people - she has a huge deposit!

Badger1970 · 18/07/2023 09:12

Claire needs to scoop her self respect up off the floor and kick him into the ether with his 3 kids.

Are people really this much of a doormat that they'll marry someone that doesn't love them?!

Channellingsophistication · 18/07/2023 09:15

well of course she shouldnt marry him.

if she marries him, she is taking 150 K away from her children perhaps she should look at it that way if she is struggling to be persuaded? Keeping her pride would be very costly.

MidgeMainCourse · 18/07/2023 09:16

Claire doesn't want Alfie. Claire wants who she thought Alfie was, and the life she thought they would have.

Glamrockgoddess · 18/07/2023 09:17

MidgeMainCourse · 18/07/2023 09:16

Claire doesn't want Alfie. Claire wants who she thought Alfie was, and the life she thought they would have.

This.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/07/2023 09:19

I could see why he might want to get married so he can get his hands on that £300,000. I can't think of one reason why she should want to marry him.

I think he's being very truthful, and it wouldn't surprise me if there was another woman lurking around. Clare would be crazy to marry him.

Pansypotter123 · 18/07/2023 09:22

I called off my wedding. The embarrassment was short lived, a lot shorter than the stress, anxiety and unhappiness that a marriage would have brought. And a heck of a lot shorter and cheaper than sorting out financial issues would have been.

Ofcourseshecan · 18/07/2023 09:26

IveHadItUpToHere · 18/07/2023 00:52

Everyone invited would rather the wedding was cancelled than she went through with it in those circumstances. My friend's wedding was cancelled with less than a week's notice. No-one cared about the outfit or present costs. We just cared that they were ok.

This. No reasonable person cares more about the cost of their wedding outfit etc than the well-being and safety of the friend or relative who invited them.

ManateeFair · 18/07/2023 09:28

She is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree

Why would he agree? He's already told her he doesn't want to get married and he loses nothing financially by pulling out.

alittleadvicepls · 18/07/2023 09:28

Wait so why does Alfie want to marry Claire?
And does Claire know how expensive a divorce is?
If shame is the only thing keeping her from cancelling the wedding could she maybe postpone? (So mentally she’s still clinging onto hope but without the legal commitment bit)

rainbowstardrops · 18/07/2023 09:30

So Alfie didn't pay a penny towards the house and he hasn't paid a penny towards the wedding?
Why the fuck does Chloe want to marry the deadbeat anyway? She's got a Get Out Of Jail Free Card!

Beautiful3 · 18/07/2023 09:31

My bil lost half the money but got some back from most places minus the deposits. If he doesn't love her then they will spilt up. Better not to be tied to each other legally. Tell her not to feel embarrassed about cancelling. But to do it ASAP so.people can cancel rooms and annual leave. People won't mind but prefer notice.

Oioicaptain · 18/07/2023 09:31

I thought that this was going to be a GCSE Maths question!

Mirabai · 18/07/2023 09:43

grassverge · 18/07/2023 08:37

I should have mentioned her deposit is ring-fenced in a trust? Or something of that nature. However she will have to sell the house as she cannot afford it on her salary alone also the penalties of getting out of the new mortgage will be huge.

Afaik you can’t ring fence money on the family home in a marriage.

The real ring fence is not to marry him. Forget about the 20k, think about the house deposit and your future Claire.

Sugarfree23 · 18/07/2023 09:43

She may or may not get something back from the venue, but if she doesn't then she can always donate it to the local homeless unit or womans aid I'm sure somewhere could make use of it.
If she doesn't want to host a family party.

However the important thing is she doesn't join their finances together.

The house is what it is, it might cost her to get out of the mortgage but that's going to happen anyway if they split.

For her and one child she doesn't need the same size of house as they need as a couples with 4 kids.

Claire - wake up, it's no more embarrassing to call of now, than it is to be announcing divorce in 6 months.

Please don't have guests placing bets on how long your marriage will last. Been there I won, the other gambler said less than 6 months, I said less than 12, they lasted 7!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 18/07/2023 09:44

This happened to a friend of mine. They got married, marriage collapsed within 6 weeks. That's embarrassing.

Also 'I don't love you' is usually code for 'I'm already shagging someone else'. He was.

HappiDaze · 18/07/2023 09:48

It'll cost £££ her dearly

Do not marry

Catspyjamas17 · 18/07/2023 09:51

300k deposit? What does the house cost?

MachinesOfGod · 18/07/2023 09:56

summerisontheway · 18/07/2023 00:24

So she has taken on his 3 kids from his previous marriage and he doesn't want to marry her despite this and the fact they have a 2 year old together.
Call me old-fashioned but it really is best to not have kids until the relationship is legally formalised.

Well she’d be in an even worse situation now if she’d actually done that, so that’s terrible advice.

purpletrees16 · 18/07/2023 09:57

Weird thing but since she’s paid for the wedding there’s nothing stopping them having the party - perhaps focused at someone else in the family or just a big party to celebrate moving on or an unbirthday or aim it at the 2 year old. Don’t do wedding things at it like speeches. Just eat the food, drink, dance.

cancel what you can get back, sell the dress & uninvite Alfie’s friends and family. Cancel the ceremony part obviously.

After that you’ve just got a party - make it an unbirthday party. Knock the cake topper off for a supermarket happy birthday sign.

if Claire was my friend and she wanted it, I’d
Still come. Let friends know it’s optional so if they can get their money back or wish to spend their leave differently they are welcome. Adjust the number of guests if you can with the venue.

depends on Claire’s tolerance for being sad in public but nothing is more cathartic than having fun without an ex.