He is not in love with her 2 weeks before wedding

[grassverge]

Alfie has decided 2 weeks before their wedding that he does not want to get married and doesn’t love Claire. They have a new 10 year mortgage together, a two year old and his 3 kids from a previous marriage. She has paid 300k deposit on house and 20k on wedding. He paid 0 deposit but needs his salary for the mortgage. She is in shock and is willing to go ahead with the marriage if he will agree. Claire has only told me, a friend and is too embarrassed to tell anyone else. She is hoping he will change his mind. I want to say end it no matter if he changes his mind AIBU?

His first marriage ended when his wife cheated on him a lot. Claire was not the OW. I have been thinking about contacting Alfie and asking him to cancel things. I hope he will at least do that but I am not hopeful.

@KimberleyClark kudos to her - although not sure I would have the balls.

Surely not so? A contract is still a contract?

And yes these are fake names. It would be cruel to put their real names. No Claire is not me.

If she marries him she puts her 300K at risk.

I think she'd be mad to marry him.
He needs to cancel it and tell everyone if he's decided he doesn't want to get married anymore.

She won't be the first or last to be in this situation, awful though it must be. I can't fathom why she would consider marrying someone that doesn't love her and doesn't want to marry her. He hasn't 'just' realised he doesn't love her 2 weeks ago he's more likely to have known for some time and now the panic has set in as the actual date for the wedding has approached.

If he is named on the mortgage he will still be obliged to contribute to it until the house is sold, ultimately if there's been a 300k deposit available to put into this then she is in a much better financial position than most and the penalties can be paid from the equity. In certain parts of the country a house can be bought outright for 300k so it is hardly as though she is destitute off the back of a split. To entirely protect herself financially it is much better she isn't marrying, and I hope she knows that.

It is what it is unfortunately. If she ploughs ahead then the situation is much more difficult legally, she absolutely will end up costing herself even more money and all that will be achieved is the death knell for any self esteem she has left where she will have begged to stay with someone who has openly said they don't love her and don't want to do it - he will leave later on if he stays now. She needs to take control for her own sake.

If this were my friend I'd be urging her to face reality, and get going practically with cancellations, getting the house ready for sale, finding a suitable home for her and their son until other arrangements are made and so on. The wedding is moot - he doesn't want to go ahead, shouldn't have to if he doesn't want to and that's that. You don't go ahead in those circumstances just because it would be embarrassing not to. I can think of several people we know who've been there, and I really don't think people are as interested or care as much about it as it's perceived that they might. It's very quickly forgotten.

Alfie sounds like an a-hole

Why, though? You're allowed to stop loving someone, and he's done so before he had a legal share of their assets.

This is exactly right. He has shown her who he is.
£20k is cheap to get out of this shit show.
The poor woman. How awful.

This seems like you didn’t read the OP.

As major contributor to the mortgage unless Clare ring fenced her deposit the money may still be lost whether she marries him or not.

It all depends whether she wants the marriage or the wedding.

Read the agreement she signed with the venue. It will cover cancellation, and it should have a cancellation clause that will vary based on how much notice is given.

You think they've not ordered food for a wedding just 2 weeks away?! Why?

They won't have bought fresh food two weeks in advance! It may have been ordered, but will not have been acquired.

Yeah, I'd give him credit for that.

Needs his salary for the mortgage?

Bugger that!

She should get him out - now, before he's paid a penny towards it (which might give him some claim), and sue him for the cost of the wedding. And for maintenance for their child.

This hasn't happened in a heartbeat - he's known for a while but has either

a) got cold feet and been too cowardly to tell her, or

b) just got the go-ahead form some other woman he's had his eye on for a while.

"Needs his money for the mortgage" suggests that he intends to stop there as some sort of a lodger (or continue the way they were before, with sex on tap, so to speak) so that Claire can continue to do all of the hard work around HIS children, and look after him. She wants her head looking at if she accepts this.

TBH, I would suggest that she chucks him out - it's effectively her house (though she may have to sell it straight away she can claim her deposit before any "sharing out" takes place), cancels the wedding, gets any deposit money she can back from the venue, and if not braves it out. Tells the relatives to come and celebrate her lucky escape.

If that money can't be reclaimed, they might as well have a good night of it, even if she can't bring herself to join them. Explain what has happened, let them all see what a shit he is.

She is still in shock at the moment, poor woman, but if this is the sort of bloke he is then she is better off out of it sooner rather than later.

She is upset and humiliated. Turn that distress into rageful vengeance and get rid of him. Even if they stop together for the next 20 years (they won't) she will never be able to be sure of him. She shouldn't be prepared to be second-best in her marriage.

Why? Only if they’ve already exchanged contracts.

Well she can't marry him, that's that. She'd be an idiot to.

Write off the 20k on the wedding and make sure he has no claim on that 300k. Better to be a bit embarassed calling off a wedding, than embarassed and financially ruined in 12 months time.

I have seen both marriages cancelled a few weeks before the wedding and marriages that ended shortly after. It really is much better to end them before the wedding. It causes so much extra pain and difficultly to go through with a wedding you don't want and end if afterwards.

It is very sad for Claire, but if Alfie doesn't love her, then he is right to tell her before the wedding.

If they have already bought the house together as joint tenants, will he have a claim on the £300k?

He's basically told her they aren't getting married because he doesn't want to marry her. If he hasn't said "I will marry you but I don't want to", it's not really up to her any more. The marriage is off.

Sorry but he IS an arsehole.

You don't just fall out of love with someone in one day

He must have known for a while

To get a 10 year mortgage and then leave it till 2 weeks before the wedding that he happened not to have paid a penny for is a dick move.

I do agree it's better he said something than nothing, but still.

Unless she protected that 300k he will have a claim on it.

He's played a blinder here.

No he'd be an arsehole if he married her letting her think he loved her and then dropping a bombshell in a few weeks/months time when an annulment isnt possible. As awful as it is, he's being honest, she has this information. Granted it should be him who calls it off and tells everyone etc.

Bloody hell poor woman. What a weapons grade bellend.

Even if he does change his mind the trust is lost and the wedding and the marriage will not be happy.

Friends and family can help with the cancellations. Does Claire have wedding insurance? Even without she may get some monies back. Short term pain now better than prolonging it IMO.

Why is he a bell-end? If a bride-to-be came on here saying she didn't love her partner and had massive doubts, the wedding was two weeks time, we'd say postpone it or cancel it. He's done that.

She's a sucker but that's a whole other story.

Poor poor Claire.

She must not marry him, she has far more to lose by going through with it than she does by not.

Can she talk to the lender or broker and see if she can do something to move the mortgage to somewhere smaller with just her on it? Not sure that would be 'porting' but there might be a way out of or to reduce massive penalty fees.

Does she have wedding insurance that covers the groom being a twunt? Not sure if any cover that but🤞

If she can't get her wedding money back, would she consider going ahead with the reception and just having a fucking massive 'fuck you' party? All her friends and family around her etc. Like that poor lady that was in the news recently after she was left at the altar 😥