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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

137 replies

Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:28

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 17/07/2023 16:30

It does seem a bit unkind of her but at least you know what to tell her when she’s old and wants help with something .

Original poster
Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:31

I should add that she has been happy to see them when they’ve been sick in the past if we are having a family day out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:31

Floralnomad · 17/07/2023 16:30

It does seem a bit unkind of her but at least you know what to tell her when she’s old and wants help with something .

🤣🤣🤣 this really made me chuckle and was just what I needed thanks

OP posts:
pineapple360 · 17/07/2023 16:32

I get where you're coming from but I think you are being unreasonable.

There is an assumption that grandparents will provide care for grandchildren, but your mum is entitled to spend her time how she wants. I don't blame her for not wanting to spend time with sick children and catching all the bugs. Is she generally unsupportive and this is part of a bigger picture?

The starting nursery/sickness phase is tough but it does pass and things get easier. You may have to use annual leave to cover, at least that will be paid.

blueberry23 · 17/07/2023 16:33

My mum is amazing, but today I'm at home with two under two and both poorly and she won't set foot in my house for fear of getting sick. She won't ever be near my kids if they are sick and I too find it infuriating but it is understandable.

It can't be helped if that's how she feels. Can she help out at weekends sometimes so you can have a night off perhaps?

MansfieldLark · 17/07/2023 16:33

I wouldn't ask my mum to have a sick child if it was contagious, I'd feel dreadful if she caught anything. If it wasn't a contagious sickness, I'd ask.

Marblessolveeverything · 17/07/2023 16:35

The children have two parents - I am sorry but I really do not understand this expectation of child care from Grandparents.

I have no intention of engaging in childcare if I am a grandparent in the future. Visits are fine but my days of being responsible for little ones is not in my list of things to do when I retire!

When are women ever really able to actually be free after procreating? never?

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2023 16:35

I wouldn't ask my mum to look after my children if they were sick, maybe if I myself were sick but I think it's quite rude and selfish to expect anyone but yourself and your husband to look after sick children.

hiredandsqueak · 17/07/2023 16:36

Well I'm a Granny who does childcare for dgs when he isn't in pre school. I will have him with a cold, sore throat, earache etc and I have caught more bugs from him in the last few years than I've had in the twenty years previously but I won't have him with sickness bugs because that is a step too far for me. Dd knows this and doesn't even ask she either has annual leave or unpaid leave.

Jelly0naplate · 17/07/2023 16:37

YABU and entitled

It's not her child so she has no obligation to look after said child, sick or not.

Sickness at this stage is normal and to be expected. Maybe you and DH would be better with a nanny who looks after them regardless rather than nursery?

You'll have to split the sick days between you and DH using annual leave, at least at this stage you don't have school holidays to cover as well.

WhatHaveIDone21 · 17/07/2023 16:38

I can't understand attitudes like this but maybe that's because my mum is so good. My parents have my DC once a week overnight and have done since I stopped breastfeeding. They also used to have time off work to look after them when they were sick as I'm a teacher and it's trickier for me to take time off last minute.

Now they are both retired and they would always have them if I needed them to. So I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling annoyed.

I will do the same for my DC if they have children of their own as I know how much I have appreciated all the help. Yes your mum has no obligation to help out but why wouldn't she want to especially as it seems like she has plenty of free time to herself?

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 17/07/2023 16:40

A sympathetic employer will likely let you or DH take that time off as annual leave rather than unpaid

Why not that?

ForeverFriendsAndPierrot · 17/07/2023 16:41

Instead of blaming your mother!

user1471556818 · 17/07/2023 16:41

At least your mum has made it very clear which is easier than being let down at the last moment

Gerrataere · 17/07/2023 16:42

Floralnomad · 17/07/2023 16:30

It does seem a bit unkind of her but at least you know what to tell her when she’s old and wants help with something .

This is crass, and I say that as someone who went NC with her parents, one of whom did end alone when needing ends of life care.

It’s bloody tough managing life and kids, especially when they get sick. But I really don’t think that grandparents should be the first port of call as childcare when illness happens. It’s something that simply has to be factored in to both parents work/life balance. If there was an absolute emergency and she still said no, I would think she was being unfair. But still her choice and a valid one despite being unfair.

JenniferBarkley · 17/07/2023 16:44

YABU, it's not fair to expect someone else to expose themselves to the deluge of germs that next winter will be in your house (sorry...).

It's shit, and if they're both having their first winter in childcare at the same time it will be extra tough as they'll both catch everything, but not at the same time. But the second year should be a bit easier.

Unfortunately it's just life with little kids.

Look into the chickenpox vaccine.

Original poster
Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:46

I tried to book my annual leave a day a week as I had no choice but to do back full time so didn’t want to use that unless I have to as wanted to spend time with them both.

yes absolutely, no way would I want her to look after them if they we are very sick with temp, just if they had a cold/cough.

thank you all

OP posts:
freetheunicorn1 · 17/07/2023 16:48

It's a shame she won't help but ultimately she doesn't have to.

Original poster
Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:48

I think what frustrates me is that if they had a cough/cold she is quite happy to meet up for the weekend and see them, just doesn’t want to look after them.

OP posts:
Annfr · 17/07/2023 16:49

Weloveflowerss · 17/07/2023 16:46

I tried to book my annual leave a day a week as I had no choice but to do back full time so didn’t want to use that unless I have to as wanted to spend time with them both.

yes absolutely, no way would I want her to look after them if they we are very sick with temp, just if they had a cold/cough.

thank you all

If they just have a cold, they can go to nursery...

Yonderway · 17/07/2023 16:49

I'm sorry but there may be lots if reasons why your mum doesn't want to look after your children, you can't blame her for not wanting to catch something from them, It takes longer to get over bugs when you are older.
Also maybe she just doesn't feel confident enough to look after them, small children are very hard work and even harder when they are ill and all they want are their parents

StellaJohanna · 17/07/2023 16:50

Your poor mother - she has already brought up her family - YOU - why would you expect her to have any involvement in looking after your infants? It doesn't matter what she does with her time - that's her business.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 17/07/2023 16:50

I don't want to be near any sick kids either tbh 🤢

LegendsBeyond · 17/07/2023 16:51

Your children, your responsibility. No way would I be looking after sick grandchildren, especially if they’re vomiting.

Mariposista · 17/07/2023 16:52

‘I don’t want to get sick’
Disgusting, precious attitude.
I totally agree with them being in nursery rather than using GP as a full time free childminder but not helping out as a one off to protect YOURSELF????? Yuck