Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

[Weloveflowerss]

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

Cant help noticing its always expected of female relatives. You hardly ever see male relatives mentioned.

That’s only because she’s the only one who doesn’t work that I thought could provide emergency cover. Nothing to do with being male or female.

I have never asked my parents or in laws to look after a sick child. It has been hard but on principle why should I ask them to look after a child who in turn may make them sick? This is completely opposite to my SIL who has always asked her parents (my ILS) to mind sick children. They then regularly get ill. Makes my blood boil in their defence but then their daft enough to do it. Even more annoyingly they then blame all the kids universally when they are ill 😡

As a GM who’s willingly done some regular childcare, I can understand anyone not wanting to do that, since a) it’s restrictive as regards e.g. holidays, and b) it’s often knackering, especially if you’re an older GP, as I was.

I do think it’s mean to refuse to cover the odd emergency, though. I still do those now and then.

YANBU but sadly you can't change her.
My mum did this for me a few times and it really was super helpful.

Your mother sounds quite self centred and selfish. Definitely bear this in mind when she asks for favours from you and don't feel obliged if inconvenient.

Wow Its self centered to not want to get ill. Quite a change from three years ago!

OP i was speaking generally Whenever these threads come up its always expected of the female relatives Never the male ones.

I do think it's unkind and unsupportive. It's certainly not how I would treat one of my children when I become a grandparent.

That said, dh and I have never had any family help, and we managed just fine between us through two dc in nursery and working. Most people do and you will find a way, thankfully with less strings attached.

I always come on these threads to say that you can't expect childcare from relatives.

But in your situation I would be resentful too. You are asking for emergency first day childcare from your own mother, who doesn't work and hasn't got any significant barrier to doing so. I think that's pretty appalling and I'd be uninviting her from the nice days out. Family is supposed to help. Unless there's a big back story of you expecting her to do things for you, or treating her badly after asking a favour, or being very critical of her childcare skills, YANBU.

While I don't think it's her responsibility to make your lives easier ... being that she's 55 and not working then I'm a little surprised at her unwillingness

And quite often when we read about grandparents refusing to help, and posters saying that's absolutely their right, they've done their child rearing - we find out that those same grandparents had a lot of help from their families.

Also although it may be said quite lightheartedly, I do think that the talk of helping her or not later in life is not entirely unwarranted. Some PP's have said that the OP's mother wants to enjoy her freedom in middle age. Well if she's only 55 now there's a good chance that the OP will be in her middle age when her mother needs help and caring for. What if she wants to enjoy her middle age too?

@rwalker yes, he would have to take unpaid, and ? . I am sorry but in my mind you sort yourself out work wise to suit being a parent. I certainly did, I took lower paid with more flexibility and better cover for children.

I don't think it is unreasonable for parents to actually consider how they will navigate children and work.

So, I am going against the grain here as my parents have been the best grandparents my kids could wish for they have always helped with all of their grandchildren (six GDs). My dad even used his early retirement to look after my youngest daughter on her non nursery afternoons. He now has dementia and I am so grateful of the precious time he spent with my daughter when she way younger (they actually have a beautiful bond).

I hope that I will 100% help my DDs with their children if I am lucky enough to be a Granny. I hope I still have a few years to wait but it would be my honour.

in saying that, each to their own and the way I feel, and my family dynamics seem to be a rarity.

*That is six GDs across all of their grandchildren, I don’t have six Children.

To be honest if the children are too ill for nursery, they will probably only want to be at home with either mum or dad.

If they have a cold without a temp, you can send them to nursery. When mine were in nursery, they seemed to have a consistent runny nose from November to March, with coughing a lot of the time too; they were never sent home.

For your 2yo get them started on sambucol liquid asap - it'll help them fight the germs. The baby will be too young. Hope you manage to get it sorted and it goes smoothly for you.

Good to hear from all sides on this one thanks! The resentment started when I strained myself whilst heavily pregnant and couldn’t move to look after my toddler and she wouldn’t come round to help, (DH was away on work) suppose that is entitlement again 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ but on a serious note, thanks everyone, amazing how everyone’s opinions differ!

You are BU to expect her to look after sick children. Catching a cold or flu or whatever can be much more serious for older people, and then there's COVID. On the other hand, it seems odd that she is not prepared to help out at all at other times, when she has free time and you and partner are working so hard, but I suppose in the end that's her choice.

Who would you expect to look after your sick children if you didn’t have any grandparents? I had three children under 3 1/2 and not a single grandparent/aunt/uncle to help. My husband worked away a lot, sometimes abroad for weeks at a time. Was difficult juggling part time job, single parenting and household chores. Be grateful your children have grandparents, and don’t resent your mum, you’re lucky to have her.

I would just get on with it but like any other person I asked for help if possible. I now understand I’m being unreasonable. With all due respect you dont know anything about our relationship so please don’t tell me I’m lucky to have her 🤦‍♀️

Sorry, I just assumed that if you’re willing to leave your children with your mother then she must be a nice person.

Nice to children, not to adults.

This is it in a nutshell.

Im 50, DH is 60 and we have custody of 2 grandchildren aged 2 and 4.

our 6 kids are all adults now. We’ve done the ‘kids start school let’s get all the bugs’ already and now have to do it again.

it’s much much harder at our ages! We seem to have one bug after another since last September.

Yes I agree. My eldest was poorly after her jabs so would be lovely to have help as she would not be contagious. Sadly was not the case.

We are very lucky as my DM and DMIL have had our children one day a week each. We had ours 3yrs apart so not paying for nursery x 2 and also both parents won't look after 2 at the same time.

However I absolutely wouldn't even think about sending them there if they were sick, so inconsiderate. I wouldn't want our parents catching viruses and becoming unwell.