Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

[Weloveflowerss]

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

She's under no obligation to help at all.

Her reason is very understandable.
It might be useful to know whether she is willing to help in the case of chickenpox (assuming she's had it) - which is often the longest one, or on the tail-end of things when they're unlikely to be infectious.

Why not ask your Dad maybe he will do it ,if no Dad around then I don't blame her for not wanting two under two , toddlers are exhausting even for someone in their twenties or thirties .

I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day

Why shouldn't she do that, though? She's had her kids years ago, and done her share of looking after babies and kids and having them cough and puke on her, when it was her choice. Now it's not her choice and she wants to enjoy her life in middle-age. If I had my chance to chill all day, I would damn well take that chance as well.

Looking after a sick child is a pain in the arse and nobody wants a dose of a vomiting bug or a nasty cold, and she understandably doesn't want to do it. You made the choice to have a child, not your mum. Of course it would be nice if she wanted to help, but I don't blame her for not wanting to commit to it and for being clear with you from the start that this is how she feels.

My mum adores her grandchildren, and worked in nurseries and playgroups and/or was a registered childminder until she retired, and she has always happily babysat for them or had them for the day here and there, but she would a) not want to commit to regular, scheduled childcare for her grandkids because she finally has the chance to do her own thing and doesn't want to be tied to having to be around at specific times on and specific days and b) not have them when they were sick. She wouldn't look after sick children when she was a childminder and she wouldn't look after sick grandchildren either, unless it was a dire emergency.

thanks everyone I get it. They are going to childminder too, will they take on children with colds? Hopefully they won’t be too sick. Will look at the vaccine thanks!

This is the most entitled post I've read on MN for ages.

For starters you seem to resent paying for FT nursery because she won't look after them.
Alll sorts of excuses about mortgage rates etc.

Then you want her to have your kids sick... ? Your kids you need to care for them like the majority of parents have to. Christ there are two of you anyway it's not that bloody hard to tag team days off for sick kids.

Did you have kids expecting childcare for free ?

I couldn't get past this sentence....

as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them

So entitled!!

Ok thank you everyone, I am entitled I get it please stop saying it.

have you read the post before DH bashing
he would and is doing his share but but it would be unpaid and there mortgage has doubled
it not he can’t be arse it’s they can’t afford it

How much are your nursery costs for two? Would it pay for child care in your own home?

Otherwise you're both going to have to use all your paid leave to cover child sickness. Most employers surely only offer unpaid leave after annual leave entitlementt has been used up.

I get it OP. My mums always said she doesn't want to do regular child care, absolutely fine! I wouldn't expect it but she'll drop almost anything to help on odd unexpected days. It's only ever maybe two days per year but it's so helpful knowing you've got a back up person to help. My mums amazing!! I'd be a bit disappointed if I was you.

Welcome to being a parent!

my reply was to @Marblessolveeverything the post before you sorry @TomatoSandwiches

My mother has just recovered from a bout of gastro sickness that my family inadvertently gave her and I feel terrible about it. She has also caught countless other things in the past from us, and she is always very jovial about it and brushes it off, but I do feel bad. She looks after my DD one day a week, and when she was younger if I was really ill myself she would bob round to help out occasionally. So she had a lot of exposure to all the nursery bugs.

I am lucky in that my Mum has quite a relaxed attitude about it all and is of the view that "I'm helping my daughter out, this is just the inevitability of caring for young children, lets all pitch in". Me and DP both also work part time 3 - 4 days a week each, so we had a decent amount of flexibility; that is key. I think both parents working full-time is very difficult in the early years because flexibility is essential. It is hard to make firm plans in any area of life when you have young kids because so often illnesses throw spanners in the works: trips cancelled due to sickness, no sleep due to night-vomit episodes, the chaos of chickenpox etc etc....its just a hard stage of life.

I think if your Mum doesn't want to get ill all the time its fair enough. Her choice.

She doesn’t want to, do there’s very little you can do.

Would a nanny suit you better? Two tinies in nursery must cost about the same as hiring a nanny, and they would be available for sick leave.

Not sick leave, sick days

Im 50 and this is why i wouldnt even date someone with grown up children because of the expectation to look after the grown up childrens children should the relationship get serious. Parents expect far too much of their relatives these days.

My mum has boundaries like this and it turns out she gets anxious because she already gets regular chest infections, also she stresses out that if she got diahorrhea she wouldn't make it to the toilet etc. Getting ill would last my son 2 days and her a week so I understand her boundaries, maybe your mum feels a similar vulnerability?

I get it too. We had no grandparental help and it was so tough in those early years. I wouldn't say I felt "entitled" to it but we had so many friends whose parents helped out with childcare and I couldn't help feeling envious. Also it wasn't lost on either of us that we'd both spent huge chunks of the school holidays with our own grandparents so our mums could have a break but it was clear none of that good fortune would be "passed on". Again not entitled but I did feel a bit disappointed tbh. Anyway, it was OK, we got through it. The kids' immunity got better and better every year. Youngest did have the CP vaccine, definitely recommend!

To be honest, if they're sick enough to be off nursery, it's not fair to impose that on your mum.

They can still go with mild colds/coughs etc; it's the temperatures/sick bugs etc that they will need time off for and not something you can really subject anyone outside of your immediate family to!

Honestly, some of these responses...

OP, it's always the same on MN and you'll be vilified as the entitled one for remotely expecting the teeniest smidgen of help. Back in the real world, helping each other out is what families do and whilst I fully understand your DM not wanting to provide regular childcare (neither set of grandparents did that for ours either), when your mum doesn't work I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to help her own DD by providing ad hoc cover, when the alternative is your family income being significantly affected, or your training suffering to the point you'd have to give it up. It isn't entitled for you to feel hurt by this, even though she's fully entitled as an adult to make her own decision about how she spends her time.

You've made this all very black and white. If you'd asked if she could sometimes look after your kids if they were ill then she might have said yes. Your attitude to her having a nice life is weird as well - why shouldn't she? When is a woman and a mother allowed to take it a bit easier in your eyes? How did you ask her? I suspect if you went with a bunch of flowers and apologised for the way you'd asked and said you'd meant occasionally and if there were not other options you'd get a different answer. But you're coming across as really entitled here.

I think what frustrates me is that if they had a cough/cold she is quite happy to meet up for the weekend and see them, just doesn’t want to look after them.

It’s a completely different thing though meeting up with mum there to provide care and having to provide that care yourself. If she did agree that she’d cover days that the kids were sick, what would happen if she did have something planned and they were sick? I know I’d feel bad saying “no” but would also feel resentful at having to rearrange my plans to facilitate your work.

If you know she’s not in the mix you can plan accordingly and any support comes as a bonus. I do get it, I have no family support which means reducing working hours, a very flexible employee and juggling - but that was my choice when I decided I wanted kids.

If my daughter has children then I would help her in these circumstances if possible. I like the idea of being a grandmother and helping out to a reasonable extent (I don't think I would be offering full time childcare or anything like that - but a day or two a week and emergency care certainly). If my health remains good enough and I am not still working full time at that point, of course.

My own mom would help me in the circumstances you describe.

Ultimately, it is of course your mother's choice, as other's say. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice if she helped. There is a prevailing ethic on here (I often find) of "every woman for herself" - as if it's almost morally wrong to even HOPE for help from others in any given situation.

I don't agree with that personally. I think we should all help each other when we can, and it would be a better world if we did that more.

No problem.

Where did the OP say she'd be paying full emergency nanny rate to her mother?