Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

[Weloveflowerss]

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

Why is it all on your DM? Why not your MIL, FIL, your dad? Or are they all working?

Its hard because on the face of it I guess YABU.

However my Mum will move heaven and earth for me and my kids and it wouldnt even occur to her not to help. I hope that I'll be the same in the future.

So in my family this situation just wouldn't happen.

Long winded way of saying YANBU to feel a bit hurt.

Yes, don't forget this - if they're just snotty but well enough in themselves they'll be ok for nursery. It's just if they have temps, need Calpol, tummy bugs etc that they won't be able to go.

If you have a day a week booked anyway, I'd ask your employer if they would be open to you being flexible with that day in the event of illness (obviously depends on the type of work you do). If it's possible in your workplace it would be in their interests to do so as otherwise you'll just miss more time.

Personally I think she's being a bit unreasonable.
I'm 55, dropped to part time so I could care for my grandson..usually 2 or 3 days a week, and if he's ill, we just snuggle up and have a chilled day. But I'm not vulnerable to anything in particular and having worked with kids for the last 20 years I'm pretty much immune to most germs
I'm only slightly concerned about getting shingles when he inevitable gets chicken pox.

But, we are all different, and looking after babies and toddlers is knackering (mine runs me ragged!) and if she won't she won't. It's just something you have to suck up as a parent if there is no child care available or willing!

Yeah thats not the same thing at all. Your mum raised you didn't she? She's done her job. Your children are your responsibility.

OP I get you and you say yourself that you are being unreasonable. Putting aside the other issues here is a story of sickness for you.

My DC got an awful bug from nursery. She was sick all night and had the runs. She was better the next day but very lethargic from it all. Her nana who had had her the previous day got the bug. She had it even worse. She also lived somewhere at the time where she didn't have access to her own bathroom. This resulted in her using two buckets. Squatting over one and being sick in the other. She was really ill and also had an even worse time of it due to bathroom issues.

DH also got sick. He was in the shower a lot and let's just say we went through a lot of bleach. I have no idea how I didn't get ill. Your kids could pick up some really unpleasant bugs which could cause them 12 hours of upset but like in my family the grown ups 48 hours of miserly.

Also as parents are immune systems may be stronger to the bugs as we have the kids all the time. Your mum immune system could be more vulnerable due to not having the same exposure.

Also as you know they are not your mum kids. Am sure you didn't ask her permission to have children. So you can't expect her to adapt her life to your choices.

Well OP, I think she's being a bit mean and selfish, considering she has an easy life. Of course she can dictate what she does with her own time but it's not kind when it's your child asking for a bit if help. If my parents said that I'd be miffed and I really can't imagine saying that to one of my own children when they have kids. We help each other out when needed.

Not her kids, not her problem. YABU

"Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them"

No they are going to nursey full-time because your husband and yourself are working fulltime.

Perhaps seems a little unfair to you but i wouldn't wish my sick children on my parents.

I'm in my sixties and I wouldn't be looking after sick children either.

I never understand this one. The party line on MN seems to be to complain that there’s no “village” but have a go at women suggesting that grandparents could help more than they do. A village is there on the bad days as well as the good, that’s the point.

Yes, OP, I think it’s unreasonable of your mum not to occasionally have your child with the sniffles given she is young, well, and doesn’t work. D/V a different situation, as would be elderly or vulnerable parents. And yes, I do think it would influence my view of caring for elderly parents if they didn’t help with childcare.

Do the children have any grandfathers and if so whats their position?

Thank you all. We live 2 hours away from my in laws and grandfather works full time.

Your kids are going to nursery because you're both working ft, not because your mum doesn't want to provide childcare. She's raised her family. They're your responsibility. Prepare yourself for lots of unpaid leave because they get sick loads when they start nursery. It doesn't last forever and it's definitely not your mum's job to look after your sick babies.

OP your mum doesn’t want to help with childcare and that is her decision. She isn’t BU to decide that. Yes it would be nice if she helped but she doesn’t have to. Really this is something to consider when deciding to have children and deciding on types of jobs. Your DC will get sick and you and DH will have to share the time looking after them, whether that’s annual leave or unpaid. We have no family help for illness either (family are all too far away), and so we keep a proportion of both our annual leave back to cover sickness, then use unpaid leave if we need more. Our employers expect us to share the time between us.

She doesn’t have to help you in times of need but, again, you also don’t need to help her when she is old and needs help with things either so at least there’s that!

I’m with your mum. We’ve been lucky with parents and childcare but it’s always been the case that if they’re sick with something contagious then we arrange one of us to be at home. If it isn’t contagious particularly then we’ll draft in help if we need it, but vomiting bugs, Covid etc we’ve always kept in our immediate household!

YABVU. I wouldn't want to look after sick grandkids all day either.

I guess she doesn’t want to commit herself at this time to cover all sickness. She may be happy when it comes to it for a minor illness, but anything more serious or catching she may be less willing.

You can book unpaid leave to look after children.

Oh I wish I knew you and could help. I'm retired but only 52 (health issues not wealth lead to early retirement), I was a single parent and my wonderful fabulous parents were such a help, my son is 30 and lives with his grandfather now, just the two of them and they've a great relationship. When my sil returned to work my parents were retired and they looked after my niece and nephew from when they were very young, when my dp's got older and had health issues I was able to take over minding my niece and nephew, I travelled and stayed with them 4 days a week during covid so my db and sil could work, I loved it and even enjoyed homeschooling, its just something that our family seemed to do naturally, my grandaunt looked after me when I was a child and my much younger brother was minded by an aunt, no money ever involved. I miss spending time with my niece and nephew now that they are older and it always tears at my heartstrings when I read of parents struggling with costly childminding, I wish there was a way of setting up a system of helping each other out, a bit like the old 'it takes a village' method.

I fully understand and agree with the they are your children you chose to have them but as a mother I do things that help my children , just like my mum did for me .

If you weren’t prepared to look after sick children you probably shouldn’t have had any. It is up to you and your husband to deal with this not your mother.

It sounds like she actually will look after them but she does want the commitment of being the default childcare provider

I get it. I'm a similar age to your mum of course I would help my children out but I definitely do not want a massive regular commitment. I've done all that. Now is my time to meet friends for coffee and go out for the day

It sounds like she's just letting you know that it can't be every week

If it helps people talk about the stress of the start of nursery but not everyone gets hit so hard, dd started last august and we've had 3 early finishes and 2 full days off between us. Can you start them at nursery a few weeks/a month ahead of starting the training

YABU. I wouldn't want to look after someone else's sick kids either! You just have to suck it up and take it in turns to have a day off. Being in nursery doesn't automatically mean the kids will get too sick to go to nursery that frequently anyway. I've had two kids go through nursery (both full time from 6 months old) and they've had fewer than 10 days off between them over 7 years!

Definitely get the chicken pox vaccine though.