Mum won’t look after my (theoretically) sick child

[Weloveflowerss]

Hi, I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. They are both due to start nursery soon and I know they will be sick to start with. Me and my DH work full time and they will be going to nursery full time as my mother doesn’t want to look after either of them fair enough. She doesn’t work but just likes to spend time on her own all week. I am going back to a training programme and can’t take too many days off otherwise it will be very difficult for me to carry on training. My DH will take some unpaid leave if we need to so will do as best we can. Unfortunately our mortgage rate is over soon and will paying double what we are paying now so taking unpaid leave is not great but something we will have to do. I asked my mum if she would help out a day if one of them is sick just so we can spread it all out but she categorically doesn’t want to help out because she doesn’t want to get sick. What are your thoughts? I just find it hard to not be resentful when she is 55, doesn’t work and just chills all day and she doesn’t want to help, I know I’m probably being unreasonable but I just need people to tell me I am to snap me out of it.

Yes it’s impossible to look after them both on your own! Too much of an ask for sure.

Well my mother is in a wheelchair so yes, managing a small baby and boisterous toddler was difficult.
Now the children are older they will both have them both on occasion but still prefer them separately. They like to concentrate and give them 1-1 attention.
They do us a huge favour so I'm grateful and take what is offered.

Totally with your mum here. I’m having chemo and sickness could kill me. However you wouldn’t know it.

I wouldn’t take on sick kids either…

Oh my goodness, so sorry to hear that, it must be such a worry whenever you get any illness.

Don’t think you’re BU to think she’s being a bit tight at all! Unless she has health problems 55 is very young to be scared of coughs and colds (most of which she’ll have already had).

Surely what you’re talking about is emergency no-alternative childcare, not a massive imposition demonstrating your ‘entitlement’. Most people would do it for a friend let alone a daughter.

I can't imagine a mum saying no like this.
Do you think there is something going on she hasn't told you about?
why not take her out for some mum and daughter time and chat,don't mention the babysitting,but see if she confide s in you.

This is like Motherland! She has no obligation to look after your kids sick or not. Some grandparents are helpful, others quite rightly decide they’ve done their time raising young kids and don’t fancy it anymore.

Plus our immune systems get worse with age so no it’s unfair to inflict a sick child on her.

You’ll have to do what many parents have to do - juggle nursery and sickness with young kids and yes it’s bloody hard. Just make sure you share the sick days with your DH. I couldn’t as mine worked abroad. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me trying to do full time with 2 young kids in nursery and the constant sickness!

My mum helped out when she could without ever thinking about getting cold germs from a toddler. I hope to do the same one day. But my mum is from a culture where families automatically pitch in and help. It’s not the same here.

I can’t imagine not volunteering to help my kids if they needed me. Whatever age they are. I am not a martyr. Just a kind loving mum.

I always wonder what happens in this country when kids become 18. They are suddenly meant to be totally independent adults, never needing parental support again. I don’t find it a healthy caring attitude at all.

The posts on this topic are always largely cold and unfeeling. No family kindness or loyalty anywhere. It’s all, ‘your mum has done her duty, why should she ever help you? You chose to have kids so get on with it’. I am glad this is not my world.

But my mum is from a culture where families automatically pitch in and help. It’s not the same here

Do you mean families or do you actually mean women

I'm (almost) the same age as your mum and would love to look after grandchildren! Unfortunately none of my DC look to be in imminent danger of reproducing.

I don't think you're asking much at all. It's fine to ask family for help. Especially as it's only for sick days not full time childcare. Families pitching in to help and support each other used to be the norm; sadly things seem to have changed.

@YogiBearAndBooboo

ikr?

but I don’t think these threads are representative of this country. In real life I can’t think of one grandparent I know who wouldn’t help in these circumstances!

I agree @YogiBearAndBooboo

FYI you can't 'catch' shingles www.nhs.uk/conditions/shingles/

In fact, being exposed to chicken pox acts like a booster vaccine so reduces your risk of shingles!

Sometimes people have children and end up realising they probably shouldn't have or end up not enjoying being a parent at all but make the best of it until their own grow up.
I imagine these people, especially women would try to avoid looking after children even grandchildren unless it's visits with family so the pressure is not on them to do the drudgery of childcare.

You're coming across as so entitled.

There are 2 of you. What do you imagine single parents with no family do?

My parents! They have never looked after my kids whilst I work. In fact I asked my Dad if he would babysit my kids for 2 nights (15, 13, 11 and 7 so not babies) so myself and my husband didn't have to cancel our little trip because my mum's husband is poorly, and he said no because he was looking after his step grandson!! His wife is more than capable of looking after him for 2 days, she's very fit and well!!

She’s always been like this, she has a set routine each day of walking the dog and napping etc so I think any disruption she doesn’t like. Thank you for your suggestion though x

Ah you sound like such a sweet caring parent, good for you, I agree, now I have children it seems even more strange to me. I can’t imagine not wanting to help them out when they’re older and need me. I brought them into this world, they are my responsibility and if I can make their lives easier why wouldn’t I?

But we do have family that’s the point? Surely it’s not a bad thing to ask for help ffs. If my mum wants me to look after her in older life does that make her entitled then? Because she has mentioned it to me many times.

Yes I agree! Nice to see there are people out there still that are willing to help their family!

No of course not, you are lucky to have that.

But it's too much. It's too big an ask for far too little money. It reads like you are taking advantage.

Apologies OP. Ignore me. I think I have you mixed up with another childcare thread sorry.

I need a coffee lol

It’s also exhausting. I don’t want to deal with a whiny sick child who really just wants their Mum,

YABU. Your mums life sounds lovely, and good on her for being honest.